Chaos_and_Disorder
November 20th, 2007, 05:20 AM
So, every eighteen minutes someone commits suicide. And every nineteen minutes, someone is left to make sense of it. How does one have enough courage to end their life, without questioning anything? Maybe, maybe they just do.
Well, I have a story to share with you. And when you're feeling depressed and or suicidal, I hope you look at this story. Because this experience has changed my life and my outlook on the words "suicidal" and "suicide."
At the age of eleven, I lost my dad. And no, not to death. He decided to leave the family because some other girl was more important. I grew up thinking that it was my fault, nevertheless. But that wasn't the problem. The problem was that I gained horrible traits because of his choice. Someone else's actions caused me to self destruct myself. For months, I would cut up my wrists and legs. I was just like any other teenager and self harmer, you must proclaim. I thought my father didn't love me, for he said so himself.
I continued to push through. My mum and brother had depression but I was extremely level headed. In the process, I was breaking down behind close doors. I pushed people away about three years after my father left. I stopped cutting but picked it back up because someone broke my heart. At first, I pictured cutting as seeking care. I did that. But later on, I did it because that's all that I had. And it loved me, just like I loved it.
I became scared of school. I would sneak off in the bathroom to hide and cut myself. That's what I had to do to get through the day without having a break down or panic attack in front of the whole school. So, days came and went. Today, I am sixteen and was saved by someone.
I met him through a friend on the internet. They were best friends, that lived with each other and known each other for a pretty long time. His name was Linkin. And he was strong even though he had his ups and downs. He found out he had cancer. He fought it off because he is so strong. Now, remember, he is like my older brother that lives far from me. I love him with all my heart. So, he fought off the cancer. And we all thought it was gone and it wouldn't come back. But it did, and it was stronger than before. So, his doctors told him he had so many months left to live.
My first reaction was to go punch a wall. But the only thing I could do was sit there, completely numb as tears broke from my eyes. That's all I do, cry and cry. Because it's unfair. It's unfair that someone or you is suicidal over stuff that you have control over. It's unfair that he has to die for something he has no control over. It's simply unfair because why him? Why not me? Because he is amazing, he doesn't give up. Because if he did, he would have killed himself a long time ago. But he knows, life is something given and taken. You see, I wanted to die plenty of times. I had a hard life, which, not all given out in this message. But from experiences, I had it rough. And I was suicidal for the longest time. And you know, he doesn't have a choice to live. But I do. So, I'm not going to take something away that was meant to stay.
And when it comes time for him to go, I will remember everything he has ever taught me. How he continued to tell me to keep pushing on. Because I was strong enough to face it. But what he doesn't know is that he made me strong. I watched him face a demon in disguise, cancer. He made me want to carry on. Because he taught me a lot. And if I just committed suicide then everything he ever taught me would be wasted. And it wasn't. I am who I am due to him, today.
So, when you feel like giving up, think of someone that has cancer. Think of someone that is fighting to stay alive. While you are willing to die over stuff you can control, stuff you can overcome. It's unfair. Unfair he has to die at a young age. It's unfair.
Well, I have a story to share with you. And when you're feeling depressed and or suicidal, I hope you look at this story. Because this experience has changed my life and my outlook on the words "suicidal" and "suicide."
At the age of eleven, I lost my dad. And no, not to death. He decided to leave the family because some other girl was more important. I grew up thinking that it was my fault, nevertheless. But that wasn't the problem. The problem was that I gained horrible traits because of his choice. Someone else's actions caused me to self destruct myself. For months, I would cut up my wrists and legs. I was just like any other teenager and self harmer, you must proclaim. I thought my father didn't love me, for he said so himself.
I continued to push through. My mum and brother had depression but I was extremely level headed. In the process, I was breaking down behind close doors. I pushed people away about three years after my father left. I stopped cutting but picked it back up because someone broke my heart. At first, I pictured cutting as seeking care. I did that. But later on, I did it because that's all that I had. And it loved me, just like I loved it.
I became scared of school. I would sneak off in the bathroom to hide and cut myself. That's what I had to do to get through the day without having a break down or panic attack in front of the whole school. So, days came and went. Today, I am sixteen and was saved by someone.
I met him through a friend on the internet. They were best friends, that lived with each other and known each other for a pretty long time. His name was Linkin. And he was strong even though he had his ups and downs. He found out he had cancer. He fought it off because he is so strong. Now, remember, he is like my older brother that lives far from me. I love him with all my heart. So, he fought off the cancer. And we all thought it was gone and it wouldn't come back. But it did, and it was stronger than before. So, his doctors told him he had so many months left to live.
My first reaction was to go punch a wall. But the only thing I could do was sit there, completely numb as tears broke from my eyes. That's all I do, cry and cry. Because it's unfair. It's unfair that someone or you is suicidal over stuff that you have control over. It's unfair that he has to die for something he has no control over. It's simply unfair because why him? Why not me? Because he is amazing, he doesn't give up. Because if he did, he would have killed himself a long time ago. But he knows, life is something given and taken. You see, I wanted to die plenty of times. I had a hard life, which, not all given out in this message. But from experiences, I had it rough. And I was suicidal for the longest time. And you know, he doesn't have a choice to live. But I do. So, I'm not going to take something away that was meant to stay.
And when it comes time for him to go, I will remember everything he has ever taught me. How he continued to tell me to keep pushing on. Because I was strong enough to face it. But what he doesn't know is that he made me strong. I watched him face a demon in disguise, cancer. He made me want to carry on. Because he taught me a lot. And if I just committed suicide then everything he ever taught me would be wasted. And it wasn't. I am who I am due to him, today.
So, when you feel like giving up, think of someone that has cancer. Think of someone that is fighting to stay alive. While you are willing to die over stuff you can control, stuff you can overcome. It's unfair. Unfair he has to die at a young age. It's unfair.