Please help me understand...?

[cinderellagirl732]

Sometimes, most times, I look in the mirror and think how disgustingly fat I am. I'll restrict my calories to under 900. I'm told how "tiny" I am almost every day now. But my mind always wonders back to being called fat, so I won't let myself eat. Other times, though, I'll eat just enough, not too little, not too much, and eat healthily. I've gotten a lot better since the time I went two months without eating more than one meal and mentally kicking myself because I was being a pig, even though the maximum I would let myself eat is 900 calories, and I'd try to throw it up if I went over, though I was never successful. Does this sound like an ED? I don't want to have one. I don't think I do, but I'm stubborn in the way that I won't try to get better unless I absolutely have to, and I just don't know what's going on in my brain. I feel the need to skip meals and hate myself when I eat somedays, but others I'm fine. I just don't understand. How do I get away from this feeling? I know I'm not fat, most of the time, but I see all of this unnecessary fat on me that I feel so compelled to get rid of...

[Synyster Shadows]

If you're skinny but you think you're fat, there's some disordered thinking. Then throwing up if you went over 900 calories? Red flag. Get checked out. I'm not sure, but better play it safe.

[PaintedWishes]

Hi there,

I think you are in the early stages of developing an eating disorder. Your thinking about food/self image is already quite disordered since you only restrict yourself to less than 900 calories a day AND try to purge if you go over.

I have been down the road of Anorexia before, and trust me, even though you are skinny, in the end you are not happy. I'm sure you know many of the horrible symptoms that come along with the ED but I'll list them anyway:

- Hair loss (thin, frail hair that loses it's sheen)
- Constantly cold from lack of fat
- Muscle loss (you have no more fat for your body to burn energy so it burns muscle instead. this is dangerous!)
- Weak bones
- Weak organs (potential for kidney/heart failure)
- A strong dark voice at the back of your head taking over your thoughts and enslaving you into hurting yourself further.

Do you want these things? I'm sure no one would. It's horrible. I felt like I was prisoner to a demon. That's anorexia/bulimia. It takes over your everyday thoughts and you can't think of anything else but calories/exercise/your body.

My advice is to train yourself. It won't be easy at first since you've already got the habit of restricting yourself and making yourself feel guilty. Instead of eating meals by yourself, go out with friends/family so that the eating atmosphere is a good, positive one! And be daring and order something other than a salad. Afterwards, DON'T restrict and try to eat 3 regular meals at least. After a while, you will be used to this and it will become normal for you. The voice that tells you you're a 'fat pig' will start to quieten down as you push yourself to get back into normal eating habits. Remember, that voice is just trying to bring you down. TRIUMPH over it. You're stronger than it!