Princess Ariel
March 23rd, 2013, 07:49 AM
I have to say, I was getting better. I didn't have to rely on anything and I found myself eating properly and being truly happy. But over the past few weeks, it's all turned to shit.
On the 10th, I got some very unfortunate news. It turns out my grandfather has prostate cancer and ever since then, my mental health has only been getting worse. He's the only person in my family who treats me like a human and realizes that i'm a teenager and i'm bound to fuck up and that it's okay. I see him every Sunday and I have been ever since my mum and I moved out of his house 6 years ago. But now, every week is harder that i'm never going to see him again. I understand that everyone dies and all. It's just.. why must cancer be such a significant part of my life. Everyone on my dad's side has had a cancer scare. My grandather... he's the only one left on my dad's side and I don't have that much memories with my dad's side when you think about it. My father passing in 2001, my grandmother passing in 2002, my aunt passing in 2012 and now this?
He went for radiation on the 20th and another doctors appointment on the 21st and I'm supposed to be seeing him tomorrow.. but what am I going to do if I call and get no answer or I go to the house, see his car in the driveway but he's not there or worse... find him dead. That'll just give me flashbacks since when I was 5.. I was the first one to see my dad dead and I remember everything I said and every little subtle thing I did. I don't need to relive this.
Although my father was adopted..i'm still scared for my own health.
After that, life has only been getting worse.
The motivation to go to school was already slim enough and most days my motivation was the fact that I had to pee. But yesterday, when I got out of bed.. I curled up on the couch to watch the news and when I got back in my room, curled back into bed. I was late, but no one even noticed my absence until I walked in. As a matter of fact, the student teacher marked me there before I was even in the school itself.
School.. ugh.. I brought back up my marks, but i've got an assignment to due on a mental illness. What does my group decide to do? Pick one that im diagnosed with. Of fucking course. Part of me just wants to do it alone and pick one that i'm not diagnosed with and something that interests me or something that not many people know about. But working alone won't work since you have to preform a stupid vignette.. School, is wasting my time. I'm spending the majority of my classes now, either in the hall talking with the teacher as to why i'm in hysterics, running to the washroom in hysterics, or silently crying in class.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I've gone 44 days without any method of self harm, but you know how they say it get's easier?! Yeah, well. That's a lie. It's only getting more difficult. I came close to it last night, but I had nothing in my room. I promised myself that if I went 2 years without it, i'd get a tattoo to represent it.. But i'm really starting to think it's impossible.
My family life is falling apart, but so is my friends.
I told this one particular friend of mine, who met my grandfather, but who is also depressed and taking anti-depressants. She noticed I was down and asked about it. So I told her about my grandfather and she said she was sorry and then immediately starting talking about her. So while i'm drowning in my own misery. I'm comforting her, who is crying on my shoulder. She wants to do a movie marathon/ sleepover but I can't even stand to be in the same room with her. She's apart of the anime north group who full on said to not invite me when everyone staying in the hotel are friends. I sure know how to pick them :p.
All my friends are making plans to do something together in front of my face, I ask if I can join and then this other chick says no. I swear.. I was replaced with my friends from middle school and now i've been replaced with these friends. They aren't the same person, but one person is apart of both groups and as much as I love that one friend. I feel like I was replaced from this journal that goes around the middle school friends even though it was MY 13th birthday present. So, I "quit" the journal, but still.. and now this in high school?
I'm always there for these friends, day or night. But whenever I need someone, like.. reaaaallyy need someone. It's an inconvenience to them because their problems are always so much worse when in reality. I'd love to have it that easy, when the only concern they have is whether or not they're going to find someone to have lunch with. Meanwhile with me, I worry that my grandfather is going to die any minute and I'll get the call, that this one kid that i'll explain later is going to harass me, whether or not someone will care. This one chick, who i've talked about before always says she always puts others first, but she's yet to do that for me or for anyone for that matter.
There is this one guy, who is constantly trying to get me to buy weed. No matter how many times I say no. He just comes up to me even more the next day. Because of that, i'm even more terrified of walking into the school. He walks straight up to you, as if he's going to punch you out. That only makes flashbacks arise from all the bullying shit I had my whole life.
My tutor is moving to London,Ontario sometime in July, but we were close and she helped me a lot. Bringing my math mark from a 50 to a 78, to a 92, to a 74 where it is now.. she also gave me advice and it was more helpful than everything I had. With her moving.. and taking the advice with her. I'll have no adult who I can talk to and get advice that actually works and HELPS.
I'm not that suicidal anymore, but that doesn't mean I don't think about it and realize how better everyone would be if i'd never been born. But everyday is getting worse. I have a few people I can talk to, but I don't want to share.. certain things because she's insensitive to some topics and then bitches that I don't share enough, then when I do share.. I end up in the office.
I was able to see a light at the end of this tunnel which felt as if i'd never be able to find. But I found it, but with the news. I'm only getting worse and the light was covered with plaster.
I just don't know what to do anymore. With school, with my grandfather and my life that crumbling beneath my feet.
On the 10th, I got some very unfortunate news. It turns out my grandfather has prostate cancer and ever since then, my mental health has only been getting worse. He's the only person in my family who treats me like a human and realizes that i'm a teenager and i'm bound to fuck up and that it's okay. I see him every Sunday and I have been ever since my mum and I moved out of his house 6 years ago. But now, every week is harder that i'm never going to see him again. I understand that everyone dies and all. It's just.. why must cancer be such a significant part of my life. Everyone on my dad's side has had a cancer scare. My grandather... he's the only one left on my dad's side and I don't have that much memories with my dad's side when you think about it. My father passing in 2001, my grandmother passing in 2002, my aunt passing in 2012 and now this?
He went for radiation on the 20th and another doctors appointment on the 21st and I'm supposed to be seeing him tomorrow.. but what am I going to do if I call and get no answer or I go to the house, see his car in the driveway but he's not there or worse... find him dead. That'll just give me flashbacks since when I was 5.. I was the first one to see my dad dead and I remember everything I said and every little subtle thing I did. I don't need to relive this.
Although my father was adopted..i'm still scared for my own health.
After that, life has only been getting worse.
The motivation to go to school was already slim enough and most days my motivation was the fact that I had to pee. But yesterday, when I got out of bed.. I curled up on the couch to watch the news and when I got back in my room, curled back into bed. I was late, but no one even noticed my absence until I walked in. As a matter of fact, the student teacher marked me there before I was even in the school itself.
School.. ugh.. I brought back up my marks, but i've got an assignment to due on a mental illness. What does my group decide to do? Pick one that im diagnosed with. Of fucking course. Part of me just wants to do it alone and pick one that i'm not diagnosed with and something that interests me or something that not many people know about. But working alone won't work since you have to preform a stupid vignette.. School, is wasting my time. I'm spending the majority of my classes now, either in the hall talking with the teacher as to why i'm in hysterics, running to the washroom in hysterics, or silently crying in class.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I've gone 44 days without any method of self harm, but you know how they say it get's easier?! Yeah, well. That's a lie. It's only getting more difficult. I came close to it last night, but I had nothing in my room. I promised myself that if I went 2 years without it, i'd get a tattoo to represent it.. But i'm really starting to think it's impossible.
My family life is falling apart, but so is my friends.
I told this one particular friend of mine, who met my grandfather, but who is also depressed and taking anti-depressants. She noticed I was down and asked about it. So I told her about my grandfather and she said she was sorry and then immediately starting talking about her. So while i'm drowning in my own misery. I'm comforting her, who is crying on my shoulder. She wants to do a movie marathon/ sleepover but I can't even stand to be in the same room with her. She's apart of the anime north group who full on said to not invite me when everyone staying in the hotel are friends. I sure know how to pick them :p.
All my friends are making plans to do something together in front of my face, I ask if I can join and then this other chick says no. I swear.. I was replaced with my friends from middle school and now i've been replaced with these friends. They aren't the same person, but one person is apart of both groups and as much as I love that one friend. I feel like I was replaced from this journal that goes around the middle school friends even though it was MY 13th birthday present. So, I "quit" the journal, but still.. and now this in high school?
I'm always there for these friends, day or night. But whenever I need someone, like.. reaaaallyy need someone. It's an inconvenience to them because their problems are always so much worse when in reality. I'd love to have it that easy, when the only concern they have is whether or not they're going to find someone to have lunch with. Meanwhile with me, I worry that my grandfather is going to die any minute and I'll get the call, that this one kid that i'll explain later is going to harass me, whether or not someone will care. This one chick, who i've talked about before always says she always puts others first, but she's yet to do that for me or for anyone for that matter.
There is this one guy, who is constantly trying to get me to buy weed. No matter how many times I say no. He just comes up to me even more the next day. Because of that, i'm even more terrified of walking into the school. He walks straight up to you, as if he's going to punch you out. That only makes flashbacks arise from all the bullying shit I had my whole life.
My tutor is moving to London,Ontario sometime in July, but we were close and she helped me a lot. Bringing my math mark from a 50 to a 78, to a 92, to a 74 where it is now.. she also gave me advice and it was more helpful than everything I had. With her moving.. and taking the advice with her. I'll have no adult who I can talk to and get advice that actually works and HELPS.
I'm not that suicidal anymore, but that doesn't mean I don't think about it and realize how better everyone would be if i'd never been born. But everyday is getting worse. I have a few people I can talk to, but I don't want to share.. certain things because she's insensitive to some topics and then bitches that I don't share enough, then when I do share.. I end up in the office.
I was able to see a light at the end of this tunnel which felt as if i'd never be able to find. But I found it, but with the news. I'm only getting worse and the light was covered with plaster.
I just don't know what to do anymore. With school, with my grandfather and my life that crumbling beneath my feet.