hey look its been awhile but guess what i need help

[Magenta]

now i'm not even going to bother typing properly because i'm just crying and shaking too hard and i literally have no other place to write anything anymore and the only people i want to talk to i can't get in contact with because of a couple reasons, one of them being a fifteen hour time difference

but i don't even know why but suddenly i'm just flipping out and nothing has been this bad in a really long time but now i'm living on my own 95% of the time and i realised stuff about some of the medications i'm taking and the things i've been doing to my body just to look normal let along actually pretty and i've just been so stressed and unhappy that i don't even know what to do anymore

i don't want to do anything or finish school or even attend it anymore. i have no motivation i couldn't even get up and make it to the bedroom door to go do something before just turning around and lying down again. i don't want to kill myself but i also don't want to be here and i'm just stuck. drugs and self harm and drinking do nothing for me or make me feel worse and there's just no relief anywhere. i freaked out and deleted skype off my computer in some random fit of panic because i just couldn't talk to anyone anymore, i just couldn't do it because they all hate me. i just don't even feel like a real person anymore

i can't do anything with my psychiatrist because i'll be moving in a couple months and turning 18 so i'll need to find a new one that doesn't work with adolescents anyway. they keep refusing to make a diagnosis 'official' because i'm under eighteen even though a doctor who knew me when i was five thought it might be a future diagnosis and now everyone thinks it but they can't because apparently i'm not old enough to be sick according to their fucking manual. i'm just so tired of this and inevitably always returning to this sobbing mess of a person that isn't even really worth anything

[GoneForGood]

I am just really sorry for everything you have to go through. Whenever I feel like giving up and I have no motivation I try to think about my future and I think if I don't try now, my future will show it. When all you have to look forward to is your future, you need to try and make it bright. Please don't drop out of school. If your 17 you don't have that long, right? I'm sorry that no one will give you a proper diagnosis. This is the reason I'm not going to seek any of the help l need until I am at least 18. And since your almost eighteen maybe you will finally get that diagnosis and the proper medication. I hope I helped :) I wish you luck.