Just Simply Confused

[Dymond]

So I'm 20 years old and ever since I can remeber I've always like women. I liked their body, how they felt in my arms, just simply everything. Well two weeks after my birthday me and my girlfriend got into this huge aregument. It really hurt because we dont see eye to eye on a lot of things. Well the next day I felt just different. Ever since the fight I've felt like I was no longer gay. Tghis has been going on for about 3 months now. I wake up with this worried feeling almost as if I feel guilty about something. I stare at guys all day just to see if i can find an attraction to them. I find that some guys are cute and are attractive. Then as I look at a woman I don't really feel anything. (when I look at a guy I dont exactly fall in love either). Sometimes when I look at my girlfriend I do feel like shes really pretty and then other days I feel nothing. I also find myself almost afraid to look at men because I'm afraid I might have a sexua; attraction to them. I'm no longer trying to fight whatever is going on with me, but I do wish whatever is going on settles soon. I can picture a life with a guy, but at the same time I don't really want to, but then again I do sometimes view it as a nice thing. When I picture a life with a women I sometimes feel warm inside. Also, when my ex bf wrote me on facebook I had these weird butterflies. It felt like an Oh no! its a guy. Its like all day I have these butterflies in my stomach and all I want to do is sleep the rest of the day just so it will go away. I cant even have sex with my girlfriend because I simply just can't get in the mood sometimes. Yet, I dont exactly want to knock boots with a guy either. When I look at a guy this feeling runs through me like almost as if I got caught doing something wrong. It's like I'm really scared of liking them. I miss when I just thought women were attractive my life was so simple. Please help.

[Syvelocin]

I think I really understand where you're coming from. I don't know what that argument changed in you, but the rest of it I can relate to completely.

I'm somewhere between 90% and 100% gay. Even when I thought I was straight, my guy crushes were few and far between. When the idea of girls finally entered my head, everything made sense. My lack of interest in boys as a teenager, my entire freaking childhood. It just felt right.

That being said, there's definitely a part of me, however small it is, that likes guys. Even though I'm only in my first relationship with a woman, a part of me is very scared to like a guy again. It's like... I don't like myself when I was straight. I like who I am now. I know orientation shouldn't have a part in that. Though I feel like the reason I don't like who I was is that wasn't me. If it ends up you are interested in guys again, you shouldn't feel like you're doing something wrong. Sexuality is fluid, intricate. It isn't gay, bi, straight. There aren't any laws. If you want to date a guy, great. If you want to date a girl, great.

But, what I would hold onto is that warm feeling. This is what really keeps me sure about who I want to be with for the rest of my life. I get really worried and confused, but it's this bit right here that reassures me, what you've been doing about picturing your life. I want you to do that, but in real detail, and do it every day. Imagine your life ten, twenty years from now. Imagine marrying a guy, having sex with a guy, having a baby with a guy, waking up next to him every day for the rest of your life. The arguments, retirement, and never being with the member of the other sex again. Then imagine the same with a girl.

The future I see with a girl is the one I want for myself. The one I see with a guy (the little that I can actually imagine of it) is really unhappy. You may not be able to see a difference as drastic as that, but I would keep that thought fresh in your mind. Every day, imagine it. Because crushes and petty feelings come and go, it's that lifelong companionship through the ups and downs that really matters, married or not.

[Dymond]

Thank you so much