Feeling Worthless

[schrei jess]

A few days ago, I did something that I now see was pretty stupid. I looked up the sister of the guy who molested me when I was seven on facebook. I found her, and sent her a message. We talked for a while, and I found out some things about what he did to her also, and I asked if he had a facebook account also, and he did, so I sent him a message asking if he remembered me, because they moved away eight or so years ago, and if he did that I needed to talk to him.

Well a a few days later he messaged me back saying he did remember me and asked what was up. And it was really hard to talk about, but I messaged him, asking if he remembered what he did to me and was he sorry, did he care, because I needed to know, I had to have some kind of closure, I needed to be able to get over it. I got a message back from him...and he didn't remember. And all he said was 'I'm sorry if I did anything wrong, I didn't mean to'. How does he not remember? He was fourteen, it happened more than once.

I can't help but feel worthless. Like I mean nothing and that what he did wasn't important enough to remember. After I got that message from him, I just lost it and started crying. I had gone to take a shower, and I could barely stand up I was crying so hard and almost hyperventilating. It made me feel like shit, and I don't know what to do now. How am I supposed to get over something like this? I should have left it alone, it would have been better not to know, just to wonder, but now that I know he doesn't remember it, what do I do now? How do I get past this?

[Bobby]

Well, are you sure it's him? Are you sure it was him who did it? Well if it was him, I bet he remembers. People don't like to admit what they did wrong, and I have a feeling he is just not telling you. I bet he does feel remorse.
And don't feel like you're worthless - your not. People care about you.

The best way to get past it...hmmm. Well I would just realize that your the bigger person in this by trying to confront your problems, while he is hiding behind lies. It's best to just realize how dumb he was for commiting such an act, and now denying it and lieing to you.

[schrei jess]

I know it's him, I talked to his sister and she told me he also had one, I saw comments from his facebook on her pictures and such, so it was him. I know that his excuse for what he did to his sister was that he didn't mean for it to be anything bad, he was just "playing house". But he didn't remember me. I just don't see why he can't say he did remember if he did, it's not like he'll ever see me again or have to face me personally. If he honestly doesn't remember...it just makes me feel like shit.

He ruined my life for the most part and he can't tell me that he's sorry or that he remembers. And before I messaged him, I knew he wouldn't remember.

Half the time, I think I'm making this all up, that I was young and I didn't know.

[R_master]

to do something so horrible to you, he must have some demons of his own. maybe hes just not ready to come to terms with his actions.

sadly he probably doesn't even realize how horribly he affected your life, so if your up for it maybe you should explain and let him know.

saying he didn't remember was probably a defense mechanism to get away from those memories, who knows :/

[Sapphire]

I am sorry you got the reaction you did. I have come across a response similar to this myself. Maybe they just don't have the guts to hold their hands up, admit it and apologise...

[schrei jess]

If he admitted what he did to his sister, I don't know why he couldn't with me, which is why I believe he doesn't remember. I would feel really dumb replying to that message telling him all my problems etc. if he really doesn't remember. What if he doesn't reply at all? His sister stopped replying to me after I listed how it affected me when she asked. I feel pretty bad about that.

It's just a bad situation that I wish I hadn't gotten myself into.

[Bobby]

Jess. I doubt you could imagine something that horrible. Especially as a young child. I am almost 75% sure he is just pretending to not know.

[thesphinx]

It does sound like he just doesn't want to face what he did to you.

[Hyper]

Dear god.. Jess

Why would you even look for him? What would it give you if he said ,,I remember doing it'' and perhaps a ''I am sorry'' or ''I enjoyed it!'' line on top of that..

I mean your a person of your own you just have to put the past behind you. Other people don't decide what you are and what will you become, it's what you do and what you really feel and think, that make you what you are, not what someone else does to you or did to you.

[Kiros]

It does sound like he just doesn't want to face what he did to you.

Exactly what I think. Though maybe it's deeper and he doesn't even want to face himself about it - as in, he'll even deny remembering it if he was to think about it.

[schrei jess]

I went away for a few days, so this reply is late.

I just wanted to know that I wasn't making it up. Ever since I suddenly remembered it happening two years ago, I've been so scared I made it up. I wanted to know that it did happen, that he remembered it too, and that he was sorry, so I wouldn't feel so fucking guilty anymore. I feel guilty for it, I let it happen, I knew it was wrong, I shouldn't have let it happen, but I did. I wanted him to take the guilt away from me.

And that's what people are telling me, that he doesn't want to face it and is denying it, but he admitted it and apologized to his sister even though he had a lame excuse, "I was just playing house, I didn't mean it like that", so why couldn't he say something like that to me?

[dem.re.cmd.exe]

Well, that ruined my day reading that. I'd say I feel bad for you, but I haven't the slightest clue of how bad it must be. You have to realize he knows he did it, but no one likes to admit things. Maybe ehe'll get guilty and confess, maybe not. You shouldn't feel worthless because people do care about you (which may be contrary to what you believe, or what I've believed at certain times.). I had to figure that out the hard way...

The easiest way of all to get passed anything is to talk to someone. I'm sure these VT counselors are very helpful (they ARE counselors...), but the best thiing in the world (for me atleast) was an actual therapist. I loved my therapist. I felt free of any cares talking to that person. I suggest it.

[schrei jess]

His sister stopped talking to me, and I didn't have it in me to reply to his message, so I think that's it for me, I don't have the guts to talk to him anymore and I don't want to upset his sister because it was so much worse for her.

I have a therapist, I used to see her every week but I was convinced I was better and didn't need to see her, so I see her every three months, I think. I know I'm not better, I am in a better place due to my constant medication, but it's always been hard to talk about things with anyone in person. I just can't do it, I can't even force myself to do it. I go in thinking 'Okay, this is the day, I'm going to spill everything' but then I get in there...and I can't. So I just say everything is fine, I'm doing great, give me more prescriptions for my pills and that's it. I've tried going to other therapists but it doesn't work out, I don't find anyone I like, I just go to this one because I've been seeing her since I was 12, and went to her with my family for family counselling when I was younger too. I tried going to a male counselor, thinking that might be different, but it wasn't, it was more awkward. I've had a therapist who thought I was crazy and dangerous and told my mom to lock up all the pills and sharp objects and take my door away so she could moniter me all the time, but my mom knew that was going too far and didn't listen to that. Long story short, really, therapy doesn't work for me.

[dem.re.cmd.exe]

I guess it doesn't work for everyone... Then I guess my only alternative idea would be to just pm a couselor here or something like that, or find an actual online therapists kind of thing. I'm sure they have one somehwhere.


IDEA: Instead of telling your therapist whatever you're too worried (or whatever word you'd use to describe it) to tell her, wirte it down on a piece of paper and hand it to her without saying a word. lol It seems like it should work. I wouldn't know though.

[melberic]

You will never totally get rid of the memorys of what he did to you, some time in your life there will be a moment that everything just gets you down, my advice is, find somthing you LOVE doing, go do it, have fun, loose yourself in the task you enjoy, and when its over, plan to do it again, or plan to do somthing else you like, so you always have somthing to look forward to, dont live in the past, you have a future, live there, live in and think about what good is going to come to you in the future. Plan, dont dwell. take five minutes of your day just to stop everything your doing and smile. Just remember, The sun is always shining behind the storm

=]