Hopeless Wanderer
March 5th, 2013, 11:16 AM
I want to kill myself again. What even is this. All I can think about is killing myself. I even made a list in my diary of reasons to live vs. reasons to die. Who does that?! I swore it wouldn't come to that.
I feel so lost. I'm just trudging through the sixth form, going to class, studying and coming home again, doing homework (or not) and working in between. I literally don't get free time. I'm either at work, doing school work or at school. It'll be worth the grades at the end if I get them, but it's SO hard.
It's all so hard. I want to be able to wake up in the morning not hinking about ODing.
I haven't told anyone that I'm suicidal and I don't know how to either. My mum thiniks that if she asks me how I am and to 'try to cheer up' for a couple of days it'll change everything and I'll be happy.
It so doesn't work like that though. I want to be OK. I want someone to cuddle me, to be here 24-7, to be here with me to protect me from the world, from myself. I want the medication to all be hidden again. I'm scared. I want the knives to be taken away. And the scissors, the razors, everything, I want it to go, I want to be completely safe. I want to have no means of killing myself.
And I can't even tell anyone. I feel too guilty to tell anybody. All it'll achieve is worrying people.
I feel like the world will be better off without me, that all I do is this, just get fucked over by my own head and demand everyone's attention left, right and centre because I'm an attention-seeking whore or something.
I wish I was normal, I wish I could be like everyone else.
I just want out.
I don't know how to be honest with people, I could just do it now, I have the means, why don't I just do it...
I feel so lost. I'm just trudging through the sixth form, going to class, studying and coming home again, doing homework (or not) and working in between. I literally don't get free time. I'm either at work, doing school work or at school. It'll be worth the grades at the end if I get them, but it's SO hard.
It's all so hard. I want to be able to wake up in the morning not hinking about ODing.
I haven't told anyone that I'm suicidal and I don't know how to either. My mum thiniks that if she asks me how I am and to 'try to cheer up' for a couple of days it'll change everything and I'll be happy.
It so doesn't work like that though. I want to be OK. I want someone to cuddle me, to be here 24-7, to be here with me to protect me from the world, from myself. I want the medication to all be hidden again. I'm scared. I want the knives to be taken away. And the scissors, the razors, everything, I want it to go, I want to be completely safe. I want to have no means of killing myself.
And I can't even tell anyone. I feel too guilty to tell anybody. All it'll achieve is worrying people.
I feel like the world will be better off without me, that all I do is this, just get fucked over by my own head and demand everyone's attention left, right and centre because I'm an attention-seeking whore or something.
I wish I was normal, I wish I could be like everyone else.
I just want out.
I don't know how to be honest with people, I could just do it now, I have the means, why don't I just do it...