raptor13
March 2nd, 2013, 12:41 AM
Well I'll be honest here. I have only partially opened up to one person ever. I have dropped hints and small pieces to a small handful of others but never the whole story. Unfortunately I really feel like I have to say something, and since I really don't think I can trust anyone right now, I decided to go here, a website I seem as typically supportive.
I've been studying psychology since I was 14, and I hav been trying to fix myself for a long time. I am incredibly depressed and have been since the sixth grade, starting with a general isolation from classmates and a feeling of inadequacy about my body. My brothers hated me and would exclude or physically/emotionally attacked me (even stripping me and throwing me outside, we've recently all made up on all of this however it just paints a picture of what I felt like socially and why even now I refuse to willingly show skin and feel incredibly uncomfortable around people in pools even though I love to swim and why I feel like if in not under 10% body fat I'm a failure and need to start eliminating food again), my dad preferred my brothers until they moved away, my mom had cancer and every time (without fail) until junior high when I would get close to someone, they would move away at the end of the year. Around the middle of seventh grade I actually became somewhat popular, but with that I also became somewhat of a jerk.
Actually that's underselling it. I knew how tot be a monster. I could get into people's heads and rip their insecurities in front of the world. It's just what the cool kids did in a small town- you stayed cool as long as you kept others down. I'm not trying to excuse it, just explain it. At one point I watched the girl I ha fallen deeply for rip open one of my best friends, and I stood by and watched. What's worse is at one point I laughed. That's when I realized I couldn't do that anymore, being cool simply wasn't worth it.
Before that happened though I had met my best friend. I was depressed already, and attempted suicide by overdose. This friend, ill call him Dallas, he actually stopped me. He didn't know it, but he stopped me when out of the blue he invited me to go with him to a hockey game, hearing that I'd shared his affinity for the sport. We spent the entire weekend together, and despite what happened later, I still consider that one of the best weekends of my life. Eventually I told him I had attempted suicide, but to this day he doesn't know he stopped me. At this point he probably wouldn't believe me anyways.
After I decided to stop 'being cool', another kid moved about a block away from Dallas, and he was just like him. Except tht he (the new kid) was raised in a catholic school. Being a Christian myself, I was hoping our combined influence would be enough to get Dallas back into a Christian mindset, as the both of us had gotten into trouble. Unfortunately, it went the other way around.
Dallas and the new kid got into drugs and promiscuity. They started hanging out with eachother an excluding me because I had become 'too good' for them. I felt really excluded, but I knew I couldn't be selfish, and besides- I didn't even want to be friends with me, so it was only a matter of time.
We started growing apart, but I didn't want to give up. However, that's when the bomb dropped.
I trusted Dallas more than a brother. We had spent nights sleeping over at eachothers house talking all night, we hung out all the time, we even had more than one person mistake us as a gay couple. That's why I still can't get over this.
He did something illegal, and I caught him in it. I told him that I wouldn't turn him in or anything, but that I wouldn't have anything to do with it. I had been trying to turn over a new leaf, so I just couldn't support what he'd done but I would never willingly get him in trouble.
He had been (and still was) a part of the 'cool group' and he was even better than I was. After my confrontation, the next day he broke me up with my girlfriend, spread rumors that I was gay and had made a move on him, convinced every one of our mutual friends to completely ignore me for over a year. The big hit came when he was talking to the new kid, who brought up suicide. At one point, knowing I was listening from part of the room away, he looked right at me and said 'some people should finish the job'
I swore I would never trust again right there. I swore never to get close to anyone ever. I cry (still) thinking about him and how close we used to be. That's how things were for three years. No one knew (and still only a few even are hinted) that I was/am depressed. Like I said, had studied psychology for a long time and acting for even longer (I got lead parts in plays since I was in first grade), so I used these skills to put on a false face everyday for three years. I made the right excuses, but except for band practices I never left the house after that. The big thing I did was act as psychologist for everyone in the school, always being an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on because I couldn't stand the thought of anyone being like me.
Immediately after (I think) I tried suicide again. I say I think because I've blocked and lost the details of that attempt. I simply know I tried and failed, I know nothing more than that I am absolutely sure I tried it and woke up after it didn't work. I spent freshmen-junior year like this.
This year I moved across the country for my senior year of high school. I grew even more devastated to the point that I was thinking about trying again. I had every detail planned out and was getting starte when I realized how much of a jerk I'd been at school that day to the people at this new school. I texted the only one who could make me laugh to apologize before I left, just to try and ease my conscience a little.
He, lets call him Seth, could tell something was wrong. In a moment of desperate weakness, I told him how sad I was, but not the full reason why. He stayed up all night texting me and convincing me not to do it. Again I never explicitly said that's why I wa doing, so he didn't know for sure until later. After that I decided I might be able I trust him. Seth and I became fast friends and he tries to be helpful an has multiple times gone out of his way to try and talk me out of depression. I've somewhat opened up to him and he's the only one in the world I truly trust
Recently, however, he's been not so much ignoring me as just forgetting about me. He's very active in clubs and such, and I realize I can be incredibly needy for him being as he's the only one I trust, and I have a lot of depression issues. I know it's being selfish, but especially since I just got rejected by another girl and broke a different ones heart because I was trying for the girl who rejected me, I feel so lonely without him that I'm back to depressing suicidal thoughts multiple times an hour all day every day. I can't stop thinking about it.
I'm not telling this story just to get 'aww's out of anyone, it's just like I said, I feel so alone right now and am asking for advice, because I don't know where else to turn. Nobody in my family even knows I'm depressed, and I don't trust anyone in real life but Seth. Without him I feel lost, and I really just don't know what to do. Even just typing this really feels like a relief. I don't intend to commit/attempt suicide again, mainly because I think that's too good for me, so don't worry about me never posting again or something like that, I'm just depressed and an asking for a little help when I feel so... lost
I've been studying psychology since I was 14, and I hav been trying to fix myself for a long time. I am incredibly depressed and have been since the sixth grade, starting with a general isolation from classmates and a feeling of inadequacy about my body. My brothers hated me and would exclude or physically/emotionally attacked me (even stripping me and throwing me outside, we've recently all made up on all of this however it just paints a picture of what I felt like socially and why even now I refuse to willingly show skin and feel incredibly uncomfortable around people in pools even though I love to swim and why I feel like if in not under 10% body fat I'm a failure and need to start eliminating food again), my dad preferred my brothers until they moved away, my mom had cancer and every time (without fail) until junior high when I would get close to someone, they would move away at the end of the year. Around the middle of seventh grade I actually became somewhat popular, but with that I also became somewhat of a jerk.
Actually that's underselling it. I knew how tot be a monster. I could get into people's heads and rip their insecurities in front of the world. It's just what the cool kids did in a small town- you stayed cool as long as you kept others down. I'm not trying to excuse it, just explain it. At one point I watched the girl I ha fallen deeply for rip open one of my best friends, and I stood by and watched. What's worse is at one point I laughed. That's when I realized I couldn't do that anymore, being cool simply wasn't worth it.
Before that happened though I had met my best friend. I was depressed already, and attempted suicide by overdose. This friend, ill call him Dallas, he actually stopped me. He didn't know it, but he stopped me when out of the blue he invited me to go with him to a hockey game, hearing that I'd shared his affinity for the sport. We spent the entire weekend together, and despite what happened later, I still consider that one of the best weekends of my life. Eventually I told him I had attempted suicide, but to this day he doesn't know he stopped me. At this point he probably wouldn't believe me anyways.
After I decided to stop 'being cool', another kid moved about a block away from Dallas, and he was just like him. Except tht he (the new kid) was raised in a catholic school. Being a Christian myself, I was hoping our combined influence would be enough to get Dallas back into a Christian mindset, as the both of us had gotten into trouble. Unfortunately, it went the other way around.
Dallas and the new kid got into drugs and promiscuity. They started hanging out with eachother an excluding me because I had become 'too good' for them. I felt really excluded, but I knew I couldn't be selfish, and besides- I didn't even want to be friends with me, so it was only a matter of time.
We started growing apart, but I didn't want to give up. However, that's when the bomb dropped.
I trusted Dallas more than a brother. We had spent nights sleeping over at eachothers house talking all night, we hung out all the time, we even had more than one person mistake us as a gay couple. That's why I still can't get over this.
He did something illegal, and I caught him in it. I told him that I wouldn't turn him in or anything, but that I wouldn't have anything to do with it. I had been trying to turn over a new leaf, so I just couldn't support what he'd done but I would never willingly get him in trouble.
He had been (and still was) a part of the 'cool group' and he was even better than I was. After my confrontation, the next day he broke me up with my girlfriend, spread rumors that I was gay and had made a move on him, convinced every one of our mutual friends to completely ignore me for over a year. The big hit came when he was talking to the new kid, who brought up suicide. At one point, knowing I was listening from part of the room away, he looked right at me and said 'some people should finish the job'
I swore I would never trust again right there. I swore never to get close to anyone ever. I cry (still) thinking about him and how close we used to be. That's how things were for three years. No one knew (and still only a few even are hinted) that I was/am depressed. Like I said, had studied psychology for a long time and acting for even longer (I got lead parts in plays since I was in first grade), so I used these skills to put on a false face everyday for three years. I made the right excuses, but except for band practices I never left the house after that. The big thing I did was act as psychologist for everyone in the school, always being an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on because I couldn't stand the thought of anyone being like me.
Immediately after (I think) I tried suicide again. I say I think because I've blocked and lost the details of that attempt. I simply know I tried and failed, I know nothing more than that I am absolutely sure I tried it and woke up after it didn't work. I spent freshmen-junior year like this.
This year I moved across the country for my senior year of high school. I grew even more devastated to the point that I was thinking about trying again. I had every detail planned out and was getting starte when I realized how much of a jerk I'd been at school that day to the people at this new school. I texted the only one who could make me laugh to apologize before I left, just to try and ease my conscience a little.
He, lets call him Seth, could tell something was wrong. In a moment of desperate weakness, I told him how sad I was, but not the full reason why. He stayed up all night texting me and convincing me not to do it. Again I never explicitly said that's why I wa doing, so he didn't know for sure until later. After that I decided I might be able I trust him. Seth and I became fast friends and he tries to be helpful an has multiple times gone out of his way to try and talk me out of depression. I've somewhat opened up to him and he's the only one in the world I truly trust
Recently, however, he's been not so much ignoring me as just forgetting about me. He's very active in clubs and such, and I realize I can be incredibly needy for him being as he's the only one I trust, and I have a lot of depression issues. I know it's being selfish, but especially since I just got rejected by another girl and broke a different ones heart because I was trying for the girl who rejected me, I feel so lonely without him that I'm back to depressing suicidal thoughts multiple times an hour all day every day. I can't stop thinking about it.
I'm not telling this story just to get 'aww's out of anyone, it's just like I said, I feel so alone right now and am asking for advice, because I don't know where else to turn. Nobody in my family even knows I'm depressed, and I don't trust anyone in real life but Seth. Without him I feel lost, and I really just don't know what to do. Even just typing this really feels like a relief. I don't intend to commit/attempt suicide again, mainly because I think that's too good for me, so don't worry about me never posting again or something like that, I'm just depressed and an asking for a little help when I feel so... lost