Completely fucked up life

[jayyy-lmao]

There are lots of things that are just crewing with my head right now.

1. My grandad died a little over a month ago. He had been in hospital since Christmas day. And I can't stand it. I didn't know him properly. I was his youngest grandchild, getting the back hand of him. And I wasn't allowed cry at his funeral. It's always that I have to do what's best for everyone else, not me.

2. My Dad is a total asshole. He is insulting. He works full time, 5 days a week, all day each day. When he gets home, and on the weekend, he never wants to spend time with me. He just wants to play videogames. He says he's "Too Tired".

3. My classmates are assholes. Specifically Jack McLoughlin. They pick on me, Jack pushes me around, and the girls just don't think I'm there.

4. I will never get over the other bullying I have suffered. It's just lingering. A better sense of what I mean can be found in this vid:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltun92DfnPY

5. I am apparently depressed.

6. I have no self esteem. I my own eyes, I am ugly, fat, a bitch, selfish, etc.

I'm sick of all pof this. I want it to just end. Years ago, I believed that there was a God. But when my prayers for the pain to end weren't answered, I gave up on God. I have no-one left to believe in, no-one left to live for.
No-one loves me, no-one will ever love me.
And it's my fault.

[WalkingOnDisaster]

Jenny, I want you to think about something.
How is it your fault that your grandfather died? Did you slit his throat? Did you poison his food? No. He was sick, and he died. It's not your fault that that happened.
Is it your fault your dad works all the time? Did you decide he had to work all day everyday besides the weekends? No. He does that himself. It has nothing to do with you.
Is it your fault that you're bullied? Did you say to everyone "HEY!!! I'M A TARGET! COME SCREW ME OVER!!!"? Is it your fault that they're so mean to you? No. You can't control their actions. Only your own.
Did you turn on the depression switch? Did you decide you just wanna be depressed and hurt all the time? No. No one wants to be depressed all the time.
Did you create your life to be bad? Is this all what you wanted, to be sad and angry and wanna end your life all the time? No. I know that for a fact.

Fact is- God didn't make those people hurt you. He doesn't snap his fingers, grant your wishes, make your life better when you demand of him. He just isn't going to do that. Trust me- I am an avid believer in a God. I have been sexually abused my whole life, I am verbally abused all the time, people have physically abused me in the past. My life has screwed me over. Life is crap. Life is terrible. Life makes everything just suck. But God doesn't do it. He wants everyone to be happy. Jenny, He wants you to know that he loves you. I am not a prophetess, I don't speak God's words. But from prior knowledge, I know for a fact that he doesn't want you to be upset all the time. Yeah, life is fucked up. Life is gonna bite you in the butt and make you suffer. But, in the end, if you really try to make things better and keep praying to God, I am sure it'll get better for you. Take it from me, someone with a similar situation to you, I know. It will get better. Even if life doesn't.

[Perfect_Insanity]

Just try to get through this. Even if it hurts like hell, it won't help if you kill yourself. You deserve to feel happy. I can't say with certainty that it will get better, but I think it will. You at least should try and change things, before you decide it's hopeless. Have you ever stood up to this kid who bullies you? Or told your dad how you feel? Have you ever tried to get help? Yes, I know lots of pysciatrists don't care and simply want a paycheck, but there are lots (I think) who legitimately care about you and want to help. If all else fails, i'll be here for you, if you need it.

[AlexanderTheGreat]

Here is my advice:
Go outside and find some people who look fun and friendly who have no connection to the school you are at or join some clubs!! That way you are going to make friends no doubt. From personal experience i'd say that drama or singing groups have the nicest people with the most interesting and weird personalities.
I hope you get through this, i know exactly what it is like for you and if you want to talk or ask for advice, just remember I am here for you. :)