it is said, it is done. no turning back.

[bbychop]

i have not really posted on here much since september/october but that was the last time i have had any time to get on the computer.
some of you knew that i was getting an abortion, just didn't know when. i just had it done yesterday, and i am doing fine... physically anyway.
when i got home last night, i started looking at the ultrasound pictures i got. i had made a copy for me, and a copy for my boyfriend and somehow i was just sitting there wondering why i did it. i feel like i should be punished, or something should go wrong. then i feel empty. every time i feel empty i cannot control myself and start crying. the twist, when i was in the waiting room, this guy that is like my brother told me he had acute liver failure. it was just too much and it still is.
part of me just wants to cry and another just makes me want to sit in a ball in a corner and wait for it to end.

[thesphinx]

I think your gonna have to give it time. an abortion is a big deal physically and emotionally.
It takes a lot of courage to go through what your going through. is there anyone you can talk to about this?

anyway we're all here for you if you need to talk :hug2:

[Sapphire]

*hugs*

I know this may sound harsh but you aren't going to feel better if you look at the ultrasound images. Throw them away or if that is (understandably) too hard to do then at least put them somewhere out of sight. This is just a step towards eliminating the things which trigger the feelings of guilt/emptiness.

You have to give yourself time to grieve too. I don't mean in a self punishing or guilt-ridden way. I mean in a slightly more healthy way. If you have anyone you can talk with about this then that will help you. If not then come on here and talk about it.

[bbychop]

there was only two people i have had to talk to about this, one my boyfriend and two my best friend. my best friend has been over here a couple times since i came back to make sure i was doing ok and my boyfriend thinks i am cheating on him again.
i just want my baby back... :cry2:

[Hauptmann Kauffman]

Now your boyfriend thinks you are cheating on him!?! You just gave up the baby because he wanted you too, and now he thinks you are cheating!?! *FURIOUS*:mad::mad::mad:

(Every woman who has an abortion feels regret, Its a normal thing. Put away the ultra-sounds, and try to move on best you can. Thats all you can do)

[byee]

You've made a very difficult decision here, and not surprisingly, you have some very strong feelings. There's not much to add to what's been said, but I thought I'd just drop by here and offer my support, and a hug, too.

Give it time, take care of yourself, surround yourself with things and people who make you feel good.

[bbychop]

my boyfriend accused me of cheating before, during, and after the pregnancy when i have barely talked to any other guys since august 11. :confused:
today has been a better day, though, but i am getting easily frustrated now. it may just be the hormones going away.

[byee]

Dearie, you need to ditch that guy, let's start referring to him as your EX boyfriend!

I'm glad today was a bit easier! You'll have good days and not so good days, but in the end, the better days will outnumber the yucky ones. This will take time, remember to take care of yourself here!

[bbychop]

everyone keeps telling me that. i even get calls from a friend of mine saying "dump him" every so often. lol.
hopefully the next few days won't be so bad. i have a lot planned out for the next week. i still have the baby in the back of my mind, he/she was so close to my heart although i only knew her/him for eleven and a half weeks.

[thesphinx]

Good I hope you have a good week! whats done is done. so try not to dwell on it too much Probably easier said than done though.

[bbychop]

that is the truth. lol.
i was on pills or antibotics as they called them (actually beta blockers) and last night i went into a rage. my whole right hand is swollen from hitting the wall and i thought i hit my boyfriend with a pillow but apparently my knuckles. it was frustrating...
this morning i woke up with extremely bad cramps. i went to the bathroom and all i could do is hold my stomach. i sneezed and it hurt the area. i started bleeding again badly in my sleep but it is calmer now.
i think the only time i think about the baby now is when i see my boyfriend and every time he tells me how much i fucked up some things and i realize i fucked up losing my child to protect him, not me. he did not even know that until last night. he does not help when he say it was unwanted and it would have hated me later on in life and then i get told i am on a drug when it is actually whatever the doctors gave me.
i need to relax...

[Aηdy]

Ash that guy isn't doing you any good. You need to get away from him hun :hug:

[bbychop]

at this point, i would agree. it is too stressful being near him. just too many memories, too many dwelling thoughts. it drives me crazy. or maybe i should still be taking my anxiety pills... who knows.
:hug:
i just feel like i am losing it all. i lost my baby and when he told me he wanted to marry me afterwards, four days later he tells me i ruined it because of the past. i want to curl up in a ball or something... just to let it all pass.

[Hyper]

I told you to dump him cuz he is an asshole..

I told you to make the right choice for you, but sometimes the right choice is in reality a bad choice over a very bad choice..

However I can't decide for you did you choose right or not, you just have to move on now since its done

[bbychop]

i know you have said it before and i actually thought he would be here for me afterwards and now, i am about to go on a trip to the e.r. to go get my hand checked out because it may be sprained or broken because i keep punching things.

[Hyper]

Yeah well obviously you should stop doing that..


You did it and now its over.. Anyone who is human would regret it NO MATTER WHAT..

Like I said it was a bad choice over a very bad choice, and I can't say if you chose right.

In the end its what you will do and how you will live that will show that..

One day you will problably have (a) kid/s, think about that.

That baby could have been your child but it won't be, and its wrong and so cruel but thats the way it just is now.. And nothing you can do will change it, and it hurts, hurts more than anything in the world I am sure of that....

But in the end you have to live your life to the fullest and be the person you want to be

It may seem like ideological BS but it's just one of those things that applies to so many aspects of life.. You will get a chance to somewhat un-do what you have done, but if you don't use the chance and try your best then it will haunt you forever and be even more horrible than it is right now in 10, 20, 30....... Years.

[bbychop]

i actually have been trying to do a lot to keep my mind off of these things. the only time i thought about what i did was earlier when i was listening to johnny cash. i know one day i will be prepared to be a mum or someone of that state but i guess i should just stop thinking about it constantly.
i even remember what i was doing a week ago today. in a hotel room, scared. the doctors told me i would not remember it but i remember it. i was on an i.v. with some kind of blocker to make me forget but i can't.
i am just going to try not to think about it... for now.

[Hyper]

Yeah well that is the best thing to do.. But don't border over to denying it..

In some time you problably won't remember much about this period in your life.. The mind tends to forget almost all very bad memories.. But yeah do what you gotta do and yeah remember VT's here for ya :P

[bbychop]

i appreciate it. :)
this morning i got woke up and yelled at because i sleep. get told that i am untrustworthy. and i had to bring it up. i am not able to be "counted on" to wake up when my dad was supposed to wake me up, but i am able to be "counted on" to get an abortion... makes no sense and mister perfect is a hypocrite. i am angry and yet, i am still thinking about this time last week.