Disconnected from Everything

[unusedaccount]

Well, here goes nothing. When I was 11, my parents got divorced, my mother moved half way across the world and re-married, she doesn't want anything to do with me, except for an occasional email. I lived with my father, until I was 13, but he never went beyond providing a roof over my head, and food, he was never a father to me, even when they were married. He did what the law required him to do as a parent, the bare minimum, but that was it. Things got bad between us, and often ended with him physically hurting me after an argument, because of that, I had to move into foster care. To this day he can't be bothered to even email me, let alone come see me or do anything with me. Foster Care wasn't so bad the couple I was placed with were nice, but I was bullied at my new school a lot, hell, I was bullied at every school I went to, so I guess it wasn't a surprise to me. After a year, when I was 14, I moved in with my grandparents, who were ok I guess, but I was disconnected from them, and they always said that they would only take me on for two years, and then I was on my own, as if I was some sort of burden. I guess that's all I really am, and ever was, a burden to members of my family. When I was 16, they threw me out, and put me in a flat on my own. Which is where I am now, 8 months later. Ever since my parents divorced, I've always felt disconnected from everyone, as if I'm the odd one out, I'm permanently sedated, and have no drive to move forward, I'm emotionally numb, people can throw insults my way and they won't bother me. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm fedup of being treated like I'm some sort of burden. I have literally zero friends, not because I'm hated, but because I won't allow people to get close to me. I can't be bothered getting hurt anymore. I'm in College at the moment, but failing, my mind is constantly pre-occupied with other thoughts, I don't do badly as such, and I am intelligent, but I don't do well in exams, and consequently end up with bad grades. Oh, and on top of all that, I'm Gay, and closeted. I don't have any friends to come out to, and I don't think the broken mess that people with my surname call a family would take it too well either. I'm a nice guy, I'm intelligent, I've a good citizen, I'm not a bad kid, but I don't know what to do from here on-wards. My mind is screaming Military, maybe that would give my life some structure or purpose, but idk... Time stops for no one, the world stops for no one. I'm not suicidal, and would never do something like that, but speaking from my own experience, and after having to grow up a lot faster that a lot of other kids have, I can honestly say that life seems like a curse... If any of you have seen the film American Beauty, I guess in a way I'm kinda like Lester, I've lost my spark, I don't have a reason for living, and I have no purpose, I'm just a burden to everyone. Any ideas on what I can do to fix myself guys? =/

[Harry Smith]

hey mate, sounds like you've had a rought time with life so far. Now the best thing that I would say you could do would be to post on this forum, but hey you have already done that which is a good thing :)

And the thing about college/ school is that as my uncle put ' school is shit, it always will be.' Just literally try and deal with it day to day, make yourself targets each day when you wake up. This could be anything from talking to person who sits next to, working extra hard in your favourite subject or just promising yourself something nice to eat after college. And exam wise just as shit as it is try and do a bit work to work towards, every bit works. I know that exams themself are crap just make sure you learn all the loopholes to do with exams. There are lots of good websites which help you structure your learning.

I went to Air cadets hoping that it would give me some military taste, it was really bad. Even though I'm an armchair general and historian in regards to warfare I absoutlely hated it, but that was just because I didn't like taking orders from my Flight sergeant. But hey it was a interesting three months, thats my reccomendation join your local army cadets squadron, meet some people, you don't even have to talk to them just experience the whole environment,

And lastly make a plan for the next 10 years, make yourself a pipe dream. Something that you would want more than anything. It really does get better as it goes on.

[xarvon1412]

I'm going to say, blatantly, screw your father. Your mother at least has helped you a little bit and even a small e-mail is nice, but screw your father. Anyway, you're alone so get out and do stuff. That is one of the only things that I can tell you to do at this moment, get out. You're in college? Then there are lots of people there that you probably have similar interests with. Go out, have fun, live life. You don't have to let people into your inner circle, trust me. I have like eight walls that come with me telling somebody something, and nobody has ever made it past wall five. You don't have to let people know your darkest secrets, but sometimes it's nice to have somebody there that you can relate to and laugh with. I know that's pretty much all that my friends are. They are people that I can come to when I'm feeling down, and I can laugh, hang out, and have fun with. They know that I'm the exact same way with them. I've been told about cutting, being gay, suicide attempts, beatings, bullying, and all of that "fun" stuff. However, only one of my friends know that I cut. Cutting's wall four, there are so many more bad things when it comes to me. I've been in a mental hospital, I'm anorexic and bulimic, I have suicide attempts, etc. Although I still have friends. Also, you now have a friend, it's me :) I'm Aaron, nice to meet you. If you need to talk or whatever, just post on my wall. I'll get back to you as soon as I can.