I don't know who I am anymore

[jayyy-lmao]

I just don't know.
I am so used to just being bullied and hurt and sad that no-one notices.
I just feel that behind my wall of fake happiness, I am just lost in a sea of sadness and depression.
And I just don't know how I am suposed to just do everything anymore.
I feel dirty, bad, wrong somehow.
I always feel fat and ugly and worthless and stupid.
And no-one notices.
I just can't stand that no-one can see that I am literally dying on the inside.
And I feel dirty cos I've been thinking about cutting.
It's like a memory, but I've never cut. And I just don't know.
I go to the counsellor, and I try to talk to my friends.
I write about how I feel, but it just doesn't cut it anymore.

[hectorandbella]

Bless you, even though you probably don't feel it you are a thousand times stronger than the bullies were ever be and good for to build a wall of happiness because it makes them think that you don't care about their opinion, almost all bullying stems from a bully being jealous or having a weakness which really does show that even though you are the victim you are so so much stronger them. Don't cut yourself because the scars will always remind you of a dark time and even when you will gradually begin to heal inside the scars never will but it is in no way dirty to consider self harm, you are so much more talented than they ever will be so look forward to what will be a bright future

[jayyy-lmao]

Thanks.
It's just that I am so sick of being pushed into my desk everyday.
Pushed into walls, into piles of bags, into bins, into classroooms.
It is so degrading.
My only consolation is that when I get to perform in music class, I get a look of sheer happiness from my peers.
Last year, all I had was music, now it is so important.
But I just don't fit in. Anywhere. I just drift.
And I just don't want to suffer anymore.
Right know I'm listening to My Dark Side Glee version, and it just cheers me up, about being worth it, loving you with your dark side.
I have a very dark side, because I am so used to having to fend for myself, both with insults and punches.
I just get so sick of being pushed that I push back.

[hectorandbella]

I too am a musician and simply love singing, playing the piano and flute, I have had problems with stress and had a mental breakdown but I found comfort in listen and playing music also, things will get better, I used to feel pushed out and the odd one out until I moved to high school and now they love me for what I am, don't worry things will get so much better I promise

[anyone50]

I'm not going to pretend i know what it's like to be in your place but I do see the injustice that goes on in my school and how cruel people can be to others. One thing I can tell you is becuse i'm dating a much older guy most of my friends have been out of High School for nearly 10 yrs and what I learned from them is what happens during those High School years don't define who we are for the rest of our lives. I have a couple friends that have told me they went thru pretty much the same thing you describe in your post and one actually did the cutting thing but now that she's older and out of the Pariah pit as she calls it she has found her place. She in a band that plays localy and sings back up vocals. I guess what Im saying is Don't let your years in HS define the rest of your life. I have seen it does get better.

[xarvon1412]

I'm sorry, but please don't cut. I know that right now you feel as if it's hopeless and right now you feel as if there's nothing that can be done for you, but please don't cut. It's not worth it, take it from someone who's trying day after day of trying to stop, and I can't. You get addicted, and it hurts. It hurts, but it will get better. Nothing, remember this, nothing can be terrible forever. Listen, if you ever need a friend, or need somebody to talk to about anything at all, then you can post on my wall, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.