movieguy1378
February 22nd, 2013, 06:17 AM
Hey guys, my name is AJ, 20 years old.
I`ve always had a rough time making friends due to what I suspect to be Asperger`s syndrome or something similar. (Currently working that out with a shrink, trying to nail that down exactly, diagnosis wise). Never been good at social cues or subtle facial expressions, obsessive interests, the works, can say sometimes rude things without picking up that I shouldn`t have said it, even though I don`t mean to hurt anyone)
I`ve been having a rough last 18 months battling depression/suicide thoughts, since relationship with my girlfriend, Miranda, ended, taking most of my social life with it. I broke up with her, in July 2011, as I found out that she was still extremely hung up on some old crush of hers and had been using me as her 2nd choice as a way to "get over him", making me feel pretty worthless, as she only agreed to go out with me as her backup because she couldn`t have him. Really stung as I had a crush on her for 2 + years at that point and thought we really connected once we were dating.. Made worse as she admitted she hadn`t been 100% attracted to me at first... My personality won her over, which really sucks when I think about it.... Seeming as if I was the guy she settled for, and that was never really good enough physically or something to be her #1 guy.
Have been battling severe depression since breakup. Have been having alot more dark suicide type thoughts. (Wanting to burn myself with coffee/on stove, cutting thoughts, self harm, etc). I even carry a list of local hospital addresses with me, just in case.
Most of these depression thoughts are not solely due to the break up, more that my support system started to disapear because of it, as I found that alot of my "friends" didn`t really have my back anymore. Only one of them bothered to contact me to see if I was alright after the end of the relationship, and most mutual friends I had with Miranda, seemed to passive aggressively start to ignore me. I`d usually talk to my best friend about all this, who I`ve known since the 1st grade, but he`s off at college now and really doesn`t care about me anymore. Haven`t heard from him in months, never returns calls. Even though his school is only a 20 min drive from where I live.
I have one friend who gets a hold of me sometimes, but it`s only when he wants something, never just to hang out.
I had spent most of summer 2012 out in New York on some freelance video work (I currently live in Massachusetts) which helped a bit to take my mind off things, met some cool people, chatted up girls at parties, but ever since I`ve came back home in fall 2012, depression has been coming back up again. Most the people I met in New York are too busy to talk online and the distance, being 3 + hour train ride to NY proves to be a problem, so they can`t really be any kind of social outlet either.
Alot of these depression feelings have been especially popping up, now that we are in February 2013, as back in February 2012 was the time I last ran into Miranda and the new BF (her old crush, Paul) at a rave type party.
Things got really bad there as Paul started to harass me at the party about being there, telling me I should leave/stay away from her. While he was harassing me I didn`t know who he was exactly, or that he was now dating Miranda, as I hadn`t seen her there yet, so I calmly tried to exit the situation, telling him he must have me confused with someone else, me just trying to get away from him, as I don`t appreciate some tall guy looming over me.... After that he said his last words to leave, and he punched me in the lower chest as he walked past me, leaving me to fall to the ground, as he had knocked the wind right out of me. No one really noticed all this as there heavy beat party music going and flashing lights and was very dark....
I stumbled outside to get my breath back, puked my guts out, and when I finally went back in inside, I saw Paul dancing with Miranda and I put 2 and 2 together that that was why he was harassing me. I didn`t confront him on things as I didn`t want to escalate things, and I doubted she would have believed me anyway, would have written me off as some whiny ex trying to make trouble. So after taking another 20 minutes to cool down, I mostly just went back in and acted like everything was fine till the party ended, and then I left and drove back home, bruise developing on my chest. Then I parked my car and finally screamed my head off and smashed my hands on the steering wheel for 5-10 minutes.
Basically lied to my parents about most of that night, giving them a minimal cliff notes version, leaving the main stuff out. Didn`t mention stuff with Paul. My mind kinda shut down a bit after he hit me, so I didn`t remember all the details anyway. They popped back about a few months later, think I kind of repressed the whole night. Just wore a shirt whenever I`d get out of the shower usually, so parents wouldn`t see the bruise. Healed after a few days.
I don`t really know what to do... it`s becoming increasing apparent that I`m just some "good enough" 2nd choice with everyone in my life. Friends, and girls wise. Even people I meet through work in Boston, I can`t 100% connect with. They`re nice enough to me, but we never really hang out or grab food after work or anything. I know that Miranda wasn`t a very good person for using me as her backup guy and I`ve been trying my best to forget her and move on, but it still really hurts. I was in love with the girl... but I feel like an idiot. Especially when the guy she liked over me turned out to be some abusive idiot who punched me at a party.... When I didn`t do anything to him or to her.
I was just there, trying to get a date to go decently with a girl, Emma, I was there with (who I later found out only agreed to go with me to get a free ride, and came there to meet up with some other guy). And Emma was friends with Paul and thought he basically walked on water, so I couldn`t exactly say anything about him hitting me to her or anything either...
Pathetically, only in the last month or so, I`ve started to stop being physically attracted to Miranda. Making it almost 4 years, I`ve been into her. Though I am relieved I`m finally over her physically.
I feel like the only people who care if I was around or not are my parents (who I still live with, still saving money to move out) I`ve never felt super close to them really though. They`re good people and all, but we just have such vastly different views on almost everything that I don`t enjoy talking to them a ton.
Most days I will just go to work, end up eating lunch by myself, come home, eat dinner with parents, and then just watch movies/work on screenplays for a few hours, email people for work, then just go to bed, and repeat it all over again. And on the weekends, my parents are usually doing their own thing, so I usually just go to movies or out to dinner by myself and go to bed early. I don`t really have anyone outside of my family to talk to. My next door neighbor who I used to hang out with all the time, never makes any effort, so that`s not really an option.
I`ve been talking to my shrink, trying to get the depression/suicide thing under control, and to also figure out how I could have been attracted to a girl who could treat me so horribly... I noticed some red flags now looking back, but I guess I just wanted someone to like me, that maybe subconsciously I didn`t really care at the time if I was the runner up... but I dunno, I keep thinking there must be something wrong with me or something. I guess it is probably for the best that it ended though, as she was never very helpful when it came to any depression/anxiety stuff.
In June 2011, I had to go over to go over to my aunt and uncle`s house to stay overnight as my parents were out of town and I was feeling extremely suicidal, and I didn`t trust myself to be alone. But when I tried to explain to Miranda what was going on with me that night and try to get her to understand, she just gave me crap about going MIA and shutting off my phone and didn`t listen to what I was saying and made the whole thing about her. Even when I broke up with her, she made the whole thing my fault for not "trying to work things out"..
Back in the present day, I`ve been on a date here and there, but with Aspergers/social stuff, I end up not picking up on cues when the girl actually likes me, or i don`t know exactly how/when to make a move, and end up tanking the thing and it fizzles out after a date or two. Even if I could get a solid girl, I`m honestly kind of embarrassed to still be at parent`s home, so I can`t really hang out with her here, and I don`t really have a ton of money for gas or to take her out anywhere, so it becomes a bit of a catch 22, as she`d probably be bored as I don`t really have anything going on with me, as I mostly just work and I`m not in college currently.
And I`m also worried to get too involved with anyone as I really don`t want to have another Miranda type in my life.
I`m sorry for the long story, but felt a need to get it all out... dunno if anyone on here has gone through anything similar or could give me advice how they got out of this rut.... :confused:
I`ve been starting to work out, trying to build more muscle and such, had been told can help with depression stuff. Staying active and all that...
Kinda feel like I need to know I`m not completely alone here... I just feel like I`m standing in the middle of minefield and any direction I go in I`m screwed in some way. I`m not 100% sure of where I`m going to end up career wise, or with friends or girls... I don`t even know where in the US I want to live when I do move out....
Thanks for reading
I`ve always had a rough time making friends due to what I suspect to be Asperger`s syndrome or something similar. (Currently working that out with a shrink, trying to nail that down exactly, diagnosis wise). Never been good at social cues or subtle facial expressions, obsessive interests, the works, can say sometimes rude things without picking up that I shouldn`t have said it, even though I don`t mean to hurt anyone)
I`ve been having a rough last 18 months battling depression/suicide thoughts, since relationship with my girlfriend, Miranda, ended, taking most of my social life with it. I broke up with her, in July 2011, as I found out that she was still extremely hung up on some old crush of hers and had been using me as her 2nd choice as a way to "get over him", making me feel pretty worthless, as she only agreed to go out with me as her backup because she couldn`t have him. Really stung as I had a crush on her for 2 + years at that point and thought we really connected once we were dating.. Made worse as she admitted she hadn`t been 100% attracted to me at first... My personality won her over, which really sucks when I think about it.... Seeming as if I was the guy she settled for, and that was never really good enough physically or something to be her #1 guy.
Have been battling severe depression since breakup. Have been having alot more dark suicide type thoughts. (Wanting to burn myself with coffee/on stove, cutting thoughts, self harm, etc). I even carry a list of local hospital addresses with me, just in case.
Most of these depression thoughts are not solely due to the break up, more that my support system started to disapear because of it, as I found that alot of my "friends" didn`t really have my back anymore. Only one of them bothered to contact me to see if I was alright after the end of the relationship, and most mutual friends I had with Miranda, seemed to passive aggressively start to ignore me. I`d usually talk to my best friend about all this, who I`ve known since the 1st grade, but he`s off at college now and really doesn`t care about me anymore. Haven`t heard from him in months, never returns calls. Even though his school is only a 20 min drive from where I live.
I have one friend who gets a hold of me sometimes, but it`s only when he wants something, never just to hang out.
I had spent most of summer 2012 out in New York on some freelance video work (I currently live in Massachusetts) which helped a bit to take my mind off things, met some cool people, chatted up girls at parties, but ever since I`ve came back home in fall 2012, depression has been coming back up again. Most the people I met in New York are too busy to talk online and the distance, being 3 + hour train ride to NY proves to be a problem, so they can`t really be any kind of social outlet either.
Alot of these depression feelings have been especially popping up, now that we are in February 2013, as back in February 2012 was the time I last ran into Miranda and the new BF (her old crush, Paul) at a rave type party.
Things got really bad there as Paul started to harass me at the party about being there, telling me I should leave/stay away from her. While he was harassing me I didn`t know who he was exactly, or that he was now dating Miranda, as I hadn`t seen her there yet, so I calmly tried to exit the situation, telling him he must have me confused with someone else, me just trying to get away from him, as I don`t appreciate some tall guy looming over me.... After that he said his last words to leave, and he punched me in the lower chest as he walked past me, leaving me to fall to the ground, as he had knocked the wind right out of me. No one really noticed all this as there heavy beat party music going and flashing lights and was very dark....
I stumbled outside to get my breath back, puked my guts out, and when I finally went back in inside, I saw Paul dancing with Miranda and I put 2 and 2 together that that was why he was harassing me. I didn`t confront him on things as I didn`t want to escalate things, and I doubted she would have believed me anyway, would have written me off as some whiny ex trying to make trouble. So after taking another 20 minutes to cool down, I mostly just went back in and acted like everything was fine till the party ended, and then I left and drove back home, bruise developing on my chest. Then I parked my car and finally screamed my head off and smashed my hands on the steering wheel for 5-10 minutes.
Basically lied to my parents about most of that night, giving them a minimal cliff notes version, leaving the main stuff out. Didn`t mention stuff with Paul. My mind kinda shut down a bit after he hit me, so I didn`t remember all the details anyway. They popped back about a few months later, think I kind of repressed the whole night. Just wore a shirt whenever I`d get out of the shower usually, so parents wouldn`t see the bruise. Healed after a few days.
I don`t really know what to do... it`s becoming increasing apparent that I`m just some "good enough" 2nd choice with everyone in my life. Friends, and girls wise. Even people I meet through work in Boston, I can`t 100% connect with. They`re nice enough to me, but we never really hang out or grab food after work or anything. I know that Miranda wasn`t a very good person for using me as her backup guy and I`ve been trying my best to forget her and move on, but it still really hurts. I was in love with the girl... but I feel like an idiot. Especially when the guy she liked over me turned out to be some abusive idiot who punched me at a party.... When I didn`t do anything to him or to her.
I was just there, trying to get a date to go decently with a girl, Emma, I was there with (who I later found out only agreed to go with me to get a free ride, and came there to meet up with some other guy). And Emma was friends with Paul and thought he basically walked on water, so I couldn`t exactly say anything about him hitting me to her or anything either...
Pathetically, only in the last month or so, I`ve started to stop being physically attracted to Miranda. Making it almost 4 years, I`ve been into her. Though I am relieved I`m finally over her physically.
I feel like the only people who care if I was around or not are my parents (who I still live with, still saving money to move out) I`ve never felt super close to them really though. They`re good people and all, but we just have such vastly different views on almost everything that I don`t enjoy talking to them a ton.
Most days I will just go to work, end up eating lunch by myself, come home, eat dinner with parents, and then just watch movies/work on screenplays for a few hours, email people for work, then just go to bed, and repeat it all over again. And on the weekends, my parents are usually doing their own thing, so I usually just go to movies or out to dinner by myself and go to bed early. I don`t really have anyone outside of my family to talk to. My next door neighbor who I used to hang out with all the time, never makes any effort, so that`s not really an option.
I`ve been talking to my shrink, trying to get the depression/suicide thing under control, and to also figure out how I could have been attracted to a girl who could treat me so horribly... I noticed some red flags now looking back, but I guess I just wanted someone to like me, that maybe subconsciously I didn`t really care at the time if I was the runner up... but I dunno, I keep thinking there must be something wrong with me or something. I guess it is probably for the best that it ended though, as she was never very helpful when it came to any depression/anxiety stuff.
In June 2011, I had to go over to go over to my aunt and uncle`s house to stay overnight as my parents were out of town and I was feeling extremely suicidal, and I didn`t trust myself to be alone. But when I tried to explain to Miranda what was going on with me that night and try to get her to understand, she just gave me crap about going MIA and shutting off my phone and didn`t listen to what I was saying and made the whole thing about her. Even when I broke up with her, she made the whole thing my fault for not "trying to work things out"..
Back in the present day, I`ve been on a date here and there, but with Aspergers/social stuff, I end up not picking up on cues when the girl actually likes me, or i don`t know exactly how/when to make a move, and end up tanking the thing and it fizzles out after a date or two. Even if I could get a solid girl, I`m honestly kind of embarrassed to still be at parent`s home, so I can`t really hang out with her here, and I don`t really have a ton of money for gas or to take her out anywhere, so it becomes a bit of a catch 22, as she`d probably be bored as I don`t really have anything going on with me, as I mostly just work and I`m not in college currently.
And I`m also worried to get too involved with anyone as I really don`t want to have another Miranda type in my life.
I`m sorry for the long story, but felt a need to get it all out... dunno if anyone on here has gone through anything similar or could give me advice how they got out of this rut.... :confused:
I`ve been starting to work out, trying to build more muscle and such, had been told can help with depression stuff. Staying active and all that...
Kinda feel like I need to know I`m not completely alone here... I just feel like I`m standing in the middle of minefield and any direction I go in I`m screwed in some way. I`m not 100% sure of where I`m going to end up career wise, or with friends or girls... I don`t even know where in the US I want to live when I do move out....
Thanks for reading