MontanaFazi
February 21st, 2013, 11:43 PM
Okay,
so I haven't posted on here for awhile. My last post had to do with something about how my second "family" cut me out of their lives over the summer. Well nows about time for an update.
So after about 4 months of not talking to me they started talking to me again in september. September 13th actually.So yes it's been a little over 5 months. The first month of talking to them again I really pondered things. Then I started questioning things. Lets call my bestfriend "M" and well then theres her dad. So pretty much everday was a constant fight between me and her dad. At first it was just me asking questions and finding out why exactly he stopped talking the way he did by shutting me out and ignoring me. I found out a lot of things I didn't expect, like how it wasnt only me and my stubborness but other stress and he had to get ahold of himself before he broke, he thought about it at least once everyday, had problems like me with confronting, thought about actually talking to me again for a month, oh and calling the police on me was the hardest thing he had to do. I'm sure the list goes on but you get the point. So along with all this questioning, and trusting him not to do this again came a lot of stupid fights.I also took things way to personally, and over thought everything. This causing even more problems.
So then christmas time rolled around. I spent most of my christmas break at their house. After this I ended up in the hospital due to some personal issues. Then second semester of college rolled around. With her dad starting college too...and going to my school. Yes I know, wierd. This is when things started to change, my mom didn't want me there as often and wanted me to spend more time with my real family and not be so attached to them, and M's parents didn't want to upset my parents more. With her dad starting school was deffinetely an adjustment and hard on everyone. Even myself. This meant they had less time for me. Of course me being me took this all way to personally again and over thought it and created a problem out of it. This they see as bullshit drama.
So one night I ask her dad if they could at least try to see where I'm coming from and help me to see things cleared. Instead I get a slap in the face and told that him and his family are done with my bullshit drama. That night things were blown way out of porportion, M blocked me on facebook and of course they stopped talking to me again. After everything, after letting them back in again, trusting them to not cut me out again and they do this, can't even talk to me like a human being, treat me like I was nothing, like I dont exist. It's been about 3 weeks since this all happend. I tried and tried and tried for some time. I sent a countless number of texts to get them back and to talk to me, until they told me mom. Instead of telling me, oh no my mom. There's also M's little sister and little brothers, I miss them so much surprising her older sister is still talking to me. I plan on keeping it that way. She's my only source to them and knowing and keeping in touch.
So as you can imagine this has been anything but easy losing them again, the most important people in my life, the people I thought would always be there. I just don't get it should I let go or wait around for something that may or may not happen again? This is killing me, so much as to I started seeing a counsellor. I have supportive friends. But they all seem to think I'm doing so much better. To be honest, it's killing me. I just want it to end. I want my family back. I want my friends back. There's absolutely nothing anybody can do, nobody that can fill this void. Is it wrong to feel this way? Is it my fault? Is it their fault? In some way I think it's my fault, this could have been prevented. In some way I think its their fault for letting my stupid self back into their lifes.
As for the school part. I wish I could go to school just one day and not have to worry about bumping into him and it all come crashing back. The anxiety is an everyday battle. I JUST CANT WIN! I feel so worthless in their eyes. In my own eyes. Lets face it I'm a fuckup...
Where did things go so wrong?
What do I do? Help anyone?
so I haven't posted on here for awhile. My last post had to do with something about how my second "family" cut me out of their lives over the summer. Well nows about time for an update.
So after about 4 months of not talking to me they started talking to me again in september. September 13th actually.So yes it's been a little over 5 months. The first month of talking to them again I really pondered things. Then I started questioning things. Lets call my bestfriend "M" and well then theres her dad. So pretty much everday was a constant fight between me and her dad. At first it was just me asking questions and finding out why exactly he stopped talking the way he did by shutting me out and ignoring me. I found out a lot of things I didn't expect, like how it wasnt only me and my stubborness but other stress and he had to get ahold of himself before he broke, he thought about it at least once everyday, had problems like me with confronting, thought about actually talking to me again for a month, oh and calling the police on me was the hardest thing he had to do. I'm sure the list goes on but you get the point. So along with all this questioning, and trusting him not to do this again came a lot of stupid fights.I also took things way to personally, and over thought everything. This causing even more problems.
So then christmas time rolled around. I spent most of my christmas break at their house. After this I ended up in the hospital due to some personal issues. Then second semester of college rolled around. With her dad starting college too...and going to my school. Yes I know, wierd. This is when things started to change, my mom didn't want me there as often and wanted me to spend more time with my real family and not be so attached to them, and M's parents didn't want to upset my parents more. With her dad starting school was deffinetely an adjustment and hard on everyone. Even myself. This meant they had less time for me. Of course me being me took this all way to personally again and over thought it and created a problem out of it. This they see as bullshit drama.
So one night I ask her dad if they could at least try to see where I'm coming from and help me to see things cleared. Instead I get a slap in the face and told that him and his family are done with my bullshit drama. That night things were blown way out of porportion, M blocked me on facebook and of course they stopped talking to me again. After everything, after letting them back in again, trusting them to not cut me out again and they do this, can't even talk to me like a human being, treat me like I was nothing, like I dont exist. It's been about 3 weeks since this all happend. I tried and tried and tried for some time. I sent a countless number of texts to get them back and to talk to me, until they told me mom. Instead of telling me, oh no my mom. There's also M's little sister and little brothers, I miss them so much surprising her older sister is still talking to me. I plan on keeping it that way. She's my only source to them and knowing and keeping in touch.
So as you can imagine this has been anything but easy losing them again, the most important people in my life, the people I thought would always be there. I just don't get it should I let go or wait around for something that may or may not happen again? This is killing me, so much as to I started seeing a counsellor. I have supportive friends. But they all seem to think I'm doing so much better. To be honest, it's killing me. I just want it to end. I want my family back. I want my friends back. There's absolutely nothing anybody can do, nobody that can fill this void. Is it wrong to feel this way? Is it my fault? Is it their fault? In some way I think it's my fault, this could have been prevented. In some way I think its their fault for letting my stupid self back into their lifes.
As for the school part. I wish I could go to school just one day and not have to worry about bumping into him and it all come crashing back. The anxiety is an everyday battle. I JUST CANT WIN! I feel so worthless in their eyes. In my own eyes. Lets face it I'm a fuckup...
Where did things go so wrong?
What do I do? Help anyone?