Depressed now, wasn't then

[WalkingOnDisaster]

So.. I gotta just get this off my chest...
When I was younger (around 8) I lost my best friend. He was a lot older than me, but was like the grandfather I always wished I had. My grandfather is a drunk drug-addict that only wants to have something to do with me because he knows he's gonna die. But my friend that I lost wasn't like that. He was kind of serious, but light-hearted and nice. He loved to be around my family, and my family loved to be around him. He was quiet, and loved to listen to me talk about stories I wanted to write. He treated me like his granddaughter, and I loved it.
Then, around 6 PM one Thursday in September, his wife called my mom and told us he was in an accident. He was on a motorcycle, and a truck accidentally T-boned him, killing him on the spot.
At the time, I didn't care. I went to his funeral, I went to the family condolence thing, but I didn't really care. I understood- he was gone. He wasn't coming back. I wasn't gonna see him again. But for some reason I didn't care.
Now, though, 8 years this September since he died (it's been 8 years... I can't believe it...) I am depressed. I'm mad at myself for not being good to his wife, I'm bitter at his bastard of a son (excuse my language) who was cheating on his wife and not attending the funeral, I'm angry that I wasn't upset. I don't get why I wasn't upset... He was my only friend, and he died. And I didn't get upset...
I just don't understand.
Thanks for reading. Feel free to post whatever. Caio!

[RCT109]

I went threw the same thing when my dad died. I laughed about it and it was my minds way of coping with it i guess

[xarvon1412]

I think that as a child you didn't quite fully understand how to cope with things so instead of coping your mind pretended like nothing was wrong. Now, you're old enough to understand and you're old enough to regret how you acted, or in this case didn't act. Don't worry though, it wasn't your fault. It was not your fault that you were so you when this happened. You shouldn't feel bad, so please don't feel bad anymore. Oh, and for future reference? Please don't write it in red color, it's really hard to read :P

[jayyy-lmao]

You were young. You didn't understand. You're only really coming to terms with it now.

[metallic_pink]

It's a good thing that you think or feel that way now about the things you did in the past. The mere fact that you're able to realize is something that you should be proud of. There's good in you so from there try to do something you feel that might compensate the wrong you've done. Apologize to his wife. Visit his grave. Do something to honor him. Go to a local church and offer a prayer or mass for his soul. You are not only doing this for him but for yourself as well. Lastly, forgive yourself.