I don't know what I am anymore

[betski]

Got to the stage where i'm just drifting. I relapsed badly tonight. Needed to get out of that environment so walked for a good 5 miles just to get away. Sat and watched the water for a while, felt like I was sleeping but just staring into nothing. I question when this will actually leave me. 10 years and only now does it hit me the hardest. I opened up last week after getting drunk and breaking my hand about what had made me so upset. Then they saw the scars and my hand that i'd picked and scratched whilst we were out. I don't know what to feel anymore. I don't want to be known as 'that' girl so right now it's easier to keep quiet and deal with issues how I may. But at the same time I know that the smallest thing is going to tip me over the edge to do this again. I need some advise of what to do now. Sorry for the essay!!

[xarvon1412]

Use things to get your mind off of it, such as friends, taking long walks, reading books, school, and stuff like that. Also, there's a thing called the butterfly project. Basically, you draw a butterfly wherever you cut and name it after somebody that you love. If you cut, the butterfly dies, if it washes away the it lives. I know that right now it's hard for you, but you can't continue to do this to yourself. I would suggest finding somebody to talk to, somebody that can and will be there for you anytime of the day. Also, if you ever need anybody to talk to, wall me and I'll get back to you as soon as possible :)

[Atonement]

I think one of the most important things people can do is surround themselves with a supportive environment. If you have friends you don't feel comfortable around or you feel like judge you or what be it, I'm not saying break the relationship but some distance would probably be healthy. Take care of yourself first and foremost. I wouldn't shy away from talking about it because that can make you accountable and if the people you open up to legitimately want to support you, that's a great resource to help you. Don't worry about being "that" girl. You're an important friend which makes you more than "that" girl.

Healthy activities of expression such as creative activities (art, dance, music, drawing, painting, photography, it doesn't have to be good), exercise (anything), or any hobby are good outlets to distract yourself and channel your focus and energy into a productive force.