autismtwin
February 16th, 2013, 10:17 PM
I guess this could go into cutting or suicide, but I'm posting it here because suicide is the main thing. But I do need to get what just happened off my chest.
So anyway, I tend to cut in the shower so there isn't much of a clean up. I have been cutting since I was ten, but for the past year or so I've been doing it every night. Therefore, I get an urge every night. Sometimes I'd just rather cut so I don't have to fight the urge. Tonight I cut a little deep. Not medical attention deep, but enough to lose quite a bit of blood. I was just about to get out of the shower when I lost balance and blacked out. I don't mean blacked out as in I didn't realize what I was doing, but as in pass out. I'm not sure what is was that made that happen. I had to sit for about ten minutes and even now I am very unsteady on my feet. I'm just shaken up because that gave me an instant panic attack.
There have been instances in the past where I have cut - and done other things without realizing or remembering. About two weeks ago I cut in my sleep.
I have been suicidal since I was a little kid, and I have attempted it before. I have been increasingly suicidal lately, making plans and that sort of thing. My therapist said she was concerned about my increased withdrawal but I can't bring myself to tell her how suicidal I am. It's confusing. I want to kill myself, but I don'. My dad asks how I am about every five minutes and I want to scream 'Oh, just lovely. I'm just planning my death' but instead I just tell him I'm fine. I don't know what got into me tonight but I sat down and typed a four page suicide note that isn't even done yet. I've even walked through cemetaries and looked at plots that could be mine. I'm obsessed with death.
I'm tired of everything. Depression, eating disorders, anxiety, cutting, all of it. I don't know how to explain to people who have never been through this what it's like. I wake up in a panic attack with tears down my face. I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of wondering how many pills it'll take, or seconds it'll take to drown. Or how to make a noose or how to go deep enough to die. Part of me just wants to find out.
But the other part knows that this is wrong and I should seek help. But how? I don't want to tell my therapist because she'll just tell my mom. And if I'm really honest, I'll end up in a hospital and I can't do that to everyone else. I just don't know anymore. Life just doesn't seem worth it. I feel trapped, I don't know what to tell my therapist.
So anyway, I tend to cut in the shower so there isn't much of a clean up. I have been cutting since I was ten, but for the past year or so I've been doing it every night. Therefore, I get an urge every night. Sometimes I'd just rather cut so I don't have to fight the urge. Tonight I cut a little deep. Not medical attention deep, but enough to lose quite a bit of blood. I was just about to get out of the shower when I lost balance and blacked out. I don't mean blacked out as in I didn't realize what I was doing, but as in pass out. I'm not sure what is was that made that happen. I had to sit for about ten minutes and even now I am very unsteady on my feet. I'm just shaken up because that gave me an instant panic attack.
There have been instances in the past where I have cut - and done other things without realizing or remembering. About two weeks ago I cut in my sleep.
I have been suicidal since I was a little kid, and I have attempted it before. I have been increasingly suicidal lately, making plans and that sort of thing. My therapist said she was concerned about my increased withdrawal but I can't bring myself to tell her how suicidal I am. It's confusing. I want to kill myself, but I don'. My dad asks how I am about every five minutes and I want to scream 'Oh, just lovely. I'm just planning my death' but instead I just tell him I'm fine. I don't know what got into me tonight but I sat down and typed a four page suicide note that isn't even done yet. I've even walked through cemetaries and looked at plots that could be mine. I'm obsessed with death.
I'm tired of everything. Depression, eating disorders, anxiety, cutting, all of it. I don't know how to explain to people who have never been through this what it's like. I wake up in a panic attack with tears down my face. I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of wondering how many pills it'll take, or seconds it'll take to drown. Or how to make a noose or how to go deep enough to die. Part of me just wants to find out.
But the other part knows that this is wrong and I should seek help. But how? I don't want to tell my therapist because she'll just tell my mom. And if I'm really honest, I'll end up in a hospital and I can't do that to everyone else. I just don't know anymore. Life just doesn't seem worth it. I feel trapped, I don't know what to tell my therapist.