JustinPCGamer
February 15th, 2013, 12:14 AM
Well, hello everyone. I feel like I am psychologically bleeding out and will lose it one day. I've been dealing with this mental state for the past three years. It started to get really bad two years ago. I am in 10th grade now, but I will start my story from 7th grade. That's when all the shit started and I became mentally in stable.
First, 7th grade probably the second worst year of my life so far. It was the new transition to middle school. I had a bad 6th grade year so my attitude was shitty from the start of 7th grade. I was bullied by these big 8th grades for most of that year. They would put their hands on me. I remember the worst time was when it was a four on one. Three of the dick heads were holding me while the fourth one kept throwing punches at me. That was when I went to the dean. The outside camera caught them doing it, and they were suspended. They never bothered me again after that. I also was having a hard time with the adjustment to the new middle school. I went from having one teacher to eleven teachers in one year. Since then, I often have flashbacks of the dick heads beating me up. The punches don't hurt anymore, but the psychological damage is still there. Even after three years.
Now, 8th grade the worst year of my life so far. I was failing every single class then and was too lazy. The wounds from 7th grade were still fresh then and the teachers didn't seem to give much of a shit about me. I also began to notice how immature all my peers were. I didn't want to do shit back in 8th grade. In fact, I failed Pre-Algebra in 8th grade. I had to re-take it in 9th grade. I passed it in 9th grade. Now, I am in 9th grade Integrated Algebra. That bothers the shit out of me because I am supposed to be in Geometry, not Algebra. It makes me look retarded like I failed the regents and am taking the class again. That's really eating me away. Well, I fucked up 8th grade pretty badly.
Next, 9th grade my year of recovery. I still had wounds then and still have them now. I did really well in 9th grade. In fact, quite the opposite of 8th grade. I finished 9th grade with an 86.52% overall average. My 8th grade overall average was a 66.47%. 65% is passing. So, I pulled my shit together freshmen year and got my grades up. A huge turning point during 9th grade happened about 11 months ago.
Holy shit, it has been almost a year. That was the end of my friendship with my ex-best friend. He is the only person in the whole world I wish was dead. He is the only person I HATE in the whole world. Every single day of 9th grade he would make fun of Jewish people and Homosexuals. I am Jewish, my mother is Jewish, my grandmother is Jewish, my grandfather is Jewish, and it continues down the line. I'm not gay, I am straight my porn collection proves that. I do think Gay people deserve to have their rights. They are people, they are equal to us. My choice would not be to have a partner of the same sex. Someone else might like that, so who am I to judge. Constantly I would hear him crack his anti-semiotic jokes and homophobic jokes. I forgot to mention, he also is extremely racist. So I would hear the word n*****. I hit a breaking point one day. It was March 25, 2012. It has been almost a year. Eleven months whatever. I told him to stop being homophobic, anti-semiotic, and racist. He is a fucking Muslim, just figure I mention that. I told him his jokes aren't funny and if he doesn't cut the shit out, I want nothing to do with him. Extra note: I am of Jewish heritage. I technically am an atheist. Forgot to mention that.
He completely ignored my request, instead he started harassing me and got two of his dick head friends to follow him. He then went to the dean a few days later and said that I have been bullying him. He mad up a fake shit story in order to attempt to get me in trouble. I told the dean my side of the story which was the truth and muslim fucker was suspended. Then a meeting was arranged with our parents that next week. The dean said if there is anymore issues with us, both of us will be suspended. I had a lot of hostile feelings towards him since then. They have declined but, last school year there have been times where I would just want to attack him in the hall way. In fact, over the summer I had a whole plan written on paper to murder him. I had every detail planned out. The perfect way to get away with murder. Plus he is only 2 blocks away from me, so getting to his house wouldn't be a problem. The only thing that stopped me from murdering him was the law. If I did anything wrong, then the murder plan would not work. I would be jailed, and my life over. So, I decided to cancel the murder plan. I burned the paper as well so no one would find it.
My hostility towards him has gone really down that I don't even want to hurt him anymore. This major event though is a huge factor in my mental state.
This year, 10th grade, I am 16 years old. I am keeping my grades up. My current average is an 85%. Everything that has happened since I was 13 in 7th grade has been eating me away. I have problems relating to my peers and I only have two friends in real life. I see how immature they are in my classes. My mother and father raised me well. I don't come from a broken family. My parents are together, I have a younger brother 13 in 7th grade and a younger sister 10 in 5th grade. Both of my grandparents are still alive, I am close with them. I see them 2-3 times a week, I am going to their house tomorrow for dinner. I also am close with my relatives on both of my parents' side. Deprived of love or anything like that is not the problem here. Something else has to be. It makes me upset that I only have two friends. My peers intimidate me and are extremely immature. Today in English class one kid threw his pen across the room. Amazingly, the teachers did not even notice. Others call out every single god damn day, and others are just rude talking back to the teachers. I am the only person who is respectful and is focused on my studies. Getting my school work done is always priority, as well as studying for tests/quizzes, and keeping my grades up. It really fucks me up when I see my peers fucking around. They often talk about going out and going to parties. I'm pretty anti-social but that is because of my peers. I really have no enemies. Other than my ex-best friend I say hello to everyone. Everyone in all my classes is an acquantice. Due to their immature behavior I cannot maintain a friendship with any of them.
I stay home all day. Once I finish all my school work and finish studying, I play my computer games all day. I PC Game. PC Gaming is like a drug to me. 61.3 hours in the past two weeks. That's with going to school for 6 hours 5 out of the 7 days in the week. I feel that PC Gaming makes me feel so much better about my immature peers. I also love PC Gaming. What's dangerous though is I feel the only reason I live is to play computer games. Say; if tomorrow Valve filed for bankruptcy and Steam was no longer existent I wouldn't have a reason to live anymore. I would probably wind up killing someone my age and then myself. I also imagine that it is unhealthy to play computer games all day long. Whatever, its fun as fuck and I love it. It's a drug to me.
This problem I have had for a year. My drinking problem, to feel better once a week I would drink beer or wine. Right now, I am on my third glass of wine as I type this thread up. Alcoholic beverage help me deal with all this shit I am going through.
So, things are fucked up because of me. So, what to do now? Sorry this is long, really long. I appreciate you reading it. Thanks so much.
First, 7th grade probably the second worst year of my life so far. It was the new transition to middle school. I had a bad 6th grade year so my attitude was shitty from the start of 7th grade. I was bullied by these big 8th grades for most of that year. They would put their hands on me. I remember the worst time was when it was a four on one. Three of the dick heads were holding me while the fourth one kept throwing punches at me. That was when I went to the dean. The outside camera caught them doing it, and they were suspended. They never bothered me again after that. I also was having a hard time with the adjustment to the new middle school. I went from having one teacher to eleven teachers in one year. Since then, I often have flashbacks of the dick heads beating me up. The punches don't hurt anymore, but the psychological damage is still there. Even after three years.
Now, 8th grade the worst year of my life so far. I was failing every single class then and was too lazy. The wounds from 7th grade were still fresh then and the teachers didn't seem to give much of a shit about me. I also began to notice how immature all my peers were. I didn't want to do shit back in 8th grade. In fact, I failed Pre-Algebra in 8th grade. I had to re-take it in 9th grade. I passed it in 9th grade. Now, I am in 9th grade Integrated Algebra. That bothers the shit out of me because I am supposed to be in Geometry, not Algebra. It makes me look retarded like I failed the regents and am taking the class again. That's really eating me away. Well, I fucked up 8th grade pretty badly.
Next, 9th grade my year of recovery. I still had wounds then and still have them now. I did really well in 9th grade. In fact, quite the opposite of 8th grade. I finished 9th grade with an 86.52% overall average. My 8th grade overall average was a 66.47%. 65% is passing. So, I pulled my shit together freshmen year and got my grades up. A huge turning point during 9th grade happened about 11 months ago.
Holy shit, it has been almost a year. That was the end of my friendship with my ex-best friend. He is the only person in the whole world I wish was dead. He is the only person I HATE in the whole world. Every single day of 9th grade he would make fun of Jewish people and Homosexuals. I am Jewish, my mother is Jewish, my grandmother is Jewish, my grandfather is Jewish, and it continues down the line. I'm not gay, I am straight my porn collection proves that. I do think Gay people deserve to have their rights. They are people, they are equal to us. My choice would not be to have a partner of the same sex. Someone else might like that, so who am I to judge. Constantly I would hear him crack his anti-semiotic jokes and homophobic jokes. I forgot to mention, he also is extremely racist. So I would hear the word n*****. I hit a breaking point one day. It was March 25, 2012. It has been almost a year. Eleven months whatever. I told him to stop being homophobic, anti-semiotic, and racist. He is a fucking Muslim, just figure I mention that. I told him his jokes aren't funny and if he doesn't cut the shit out, I want nothing to do with him. Extra note: I am of Jewish heritage. I technically am an atheist. Forgot to mention that.
He completely ignored my request, instead he started harassing me and got two of his dick head friends to follow him. He then went to the dean a few days later and said that I have been bullying him. He mad up a fake shit story in order to attempt to get me in trouble. I told the dean my side of the story which was the truth and muslim fucker was suspended. Then a meeting was arranged with our parents that next week. The dean said if there is anymore issues with us, both of us will be suspended. I had a lot of hostile feelings towards him since then. They have declined but, last school year there have been times where I would just want to attack him in the hall way. In fact, over the summer I had a whole plan written on paper to murder him. I had every detail planned out. The perfect way to get away with murder. Plus he is only 2 blocks away from me, so getting to his house wouldn't be a problem. The only thing that stopped me from murdering him was the law. If I did anything wrong, then the murder plan would not work. I would be jailed, and my life over. So, I decided to cancel the murder plan. I burned the paper as well so no one would find it.
My hostility towards him has gone really down that I don't even want to hurt him anymore. This major event though is a huge factor in my mental state.
This year, 10th grade, I am 16 years old. I am keeping my grades up. My current average is an 85%. Everything that has happened since I was 13 in 7th grade has been eating me away. I have problems relating to my peers and I only have two friends in real life. I see how immature they are in my classes. My mother and father raised me well. I don't come from a broken family. My parents are together, I have a younger brother 13 in 7th grade and a younger sister 10 in 5th grade. Both of my grandparents are still alive, I am close with them. I see them 2-3 times a week, I am going to their house tomorrow for dinner. I also am close with my relatives on both of my parents' side. Deprived of love or anything like that is not the problem here. Something else has to be. It makes me upset that I only have two friends. My peers intimidate me and are extremely immature. Today in English class one kid threw his pen across the room. Amazingly, the teachers did not even notice. Others call out every single god damn day, and others are just rude talking back to the teachers. I am the only person who is respectful and is focused on my studies. Getting my school work done is always priority, as well as studying for tests/quizzes, and keeping my grades up. It really fucks me up when I see my peers fucking around. They often talk about going out and going to parties. I'm pretty anti-social but that is because of my peers. I really have no enemies. Other than my ex-best friend I say hello to everyone. Everyone in all my classes is an acquantice. Due to their immature behavior I cannot maintain a friendship with any of them.
I stay home all day. Once I finish all my school work and finish studying, I play my computer games all day. I PC Game. PC Gaming is like a drug to me. 61.3 hours in the past two weeks. That's with going to school for 6 hours 5 out of the 7 days in the week. I feel that PC Gaming makes me feel so much better about my immature peers. I also love PC Gaming. What's dangerous though is I feel the only reason I live is to play computer games. Say; if tomorrow Valve filed for bankruptcy and Steam was no longer existent I wouldn't have a reason to live anymore. I would probably wind up killing someone my age and then myself. I also imagine that it is unhealthy to play computer games all day long. Whatever, its fun as fuck and I love it. It's a drug to me.
This problem I have had for a year. My drinking problem, to feel better once a week I would drink beer or wine. Right now, I am on my third glass of wine as I type this thread up. Alcoholic beverage help me deal with all this shit I am going through.
So, things are fucked up because of me. So, what to do now? Sorry this is long, really long. I appreciate you reading it. Thanks so much.