Valentine's Day

[xarvon1412]

Heh, today. I don't know, it's the holiday of love and joy right? Well why am I not happy? Today would have been my and my big ex's anniversary. It hurts knowing that...I spent most of my day with my girlfriend, and when I was with her I was really happy, but now I'm home, and thoughts of suicide and self harm return. My razor is so close...my leg's covered in bruises already, and I can't scratch myself anymore, it stings so much...how am I supposed to get through this? I want to end it...I want to end it all...there are pills, ready for me to end it with...I don't know if I can do it though. I can hear my mother scream "Aaron! Oh God Aaron! Call 911! Aaron!" I don't want to do that to her...but I just can't take this anymore...My heart hurts, and I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't know anymore. I don't get why I can't be happy. How does it feel to be normal? How does it feel to be happy more than 10% of the time? I wish I knew...I wish I knew...My heart hurts, I hurt, I can't do this anymore...I don't know if this is goodbye, I don't know, but if it is, thanks for everything.

[Perfect_Insanity]

Just try and get through this, if you can. I really don't want you to die, and I bet there are so many people in your life who would miss you so much, like your mother and your girlfriend. People care about you and love you. I'll be here if you need someone to talk to.

Please stay strong.

[JustinPCGamer]

Don't end your life. It's such a horrible thing to do. There are people that care about you. They would be permanently scarred for the rest of their life if you took your life. Like you said, you don't want to do that to your mother. Don't do it to her, it would be a horrible thing for her to go through. I think you need to seek a therapist right away. Don't end your life, too many people would be hurt.

[SkinnyBones]

I felt the same way. My boyfriend got me a very pretty ring and I was so happy until I had to go to bed. I just sat their thinking about all the stupid things I did during the day. I couldn't help but bite myself open. I felt so stupid since I had a good day, but it just ends at night. Does that happen to you a lot? Self harming/suicidal thoughts when it's late at night?

[xarvon1412]

I felt the same way. My boyfriend got me a very pretty ring and I was so happy until I had to go to bed. I just sat their thinking about all the stupid things I did during the day. I couldn't help but bite myself open. I felt so stupid since I had a good day, but it just ends at night. Does that happen to you a lot? Self harming/suicidal thoughts when it's late at night?

Yeah it happens to me a lot. I have good days, and then at night when I'm alone, thoughts come racing back to me.

[SkinnyBones]

Yeah it happens to me a lot. I have good days, and then at night when I'm alone, thoughts come racing back to me.

I hate that the most. No matter how good my day is, every smile and laugh get hidden behind me thinking of all the stupid things I did. Which makes everything.... stupid...

[xarvon1412]

I hate that the most. No matter how good my day is, every smile and laugh get hidden behind me thinking of all the stupid things I did. Which makes everything.... stupid...

No kidding, I'm glad I know somebody else that knows how it feels. Yeah it's hard. I mean, it's like I have all these reasons why I should be happy, and why I shouldn't cut, but I do, and I'm not happy. It seems like I'm happy when I'm doing things, but then I get in the shower, or in my bed, or wherever and suddenly my life is Hell again.

[SkinnyBones]

No kidding, I'm glad I know somebody else that knows how it feels. Yeah it's hard. I mean, it's like I have all these reasons why I should be happy, and why I shouldn't cut, but I do, and I'm not happy. It seems like I'm happy when I'm doing things, but then I get in the shower, or in my bed, or wherever and suddenly my life is Hell again.

Man this is crazy, I feel like 100% the same way. I have a great boyfriend, a few good friends, and my grades are turning around. But still I need to cut, and purge, and just.... ruin it. Like my brain wants me too feel bad. I just think I am not allowed to be happy really...

[xarvon1412]

Don't look here

[xarvon1412]

Man this is crazy, I feel like 100% the same way. I have a great boyfriend, a few good friends, and my grades are turning around. But still I need to cut, and purge, and just.... ruin it. Like my brain wants me too feel bad. I just think I am not allowed to be happy really...

You purge too? I'm losing weight, my grades look fine, and I love the friends that I have, but it seems like I'm not happy if I'm alone and thinking. I think that's what depression is, is your brain just doesn't want you to be happy...

[SkinnyBones]

You purge too? I'm losing weight, my grades look fine, and I love the friends that I have, but it seems like I'm not happy if I'm alone and thinking. I think that's what depression is, is your brain just doesn't want you to be happy...

I have never been diagnosed as depressed. So I am not, but I suppose that could be a sign of depression ^_^

[xarvon1412]

I have never been diagnosed as depressed. So I am not, but I suppose that could be a sign of depression ^_^

Oh, well I'm glad that you're not depressed. Or at least you haven't been diagnosed with depression that's good. I hope you don't have depression :)