Confused and traumatized.

[shahrezsyed]

Hello everyone. Around september, 2012, I was on this UNICEF volunteering mission in Nigeria and developed Severe Acute Biliary Pancreatitis which worsened to a point where all of my internal organs were being digested and failing. I was evacuated to South Africa for treatment by UNICEF and spent the most traumatizing three months of my life there. In the ICU. A surgery every other day. No hope. No one to see me. No one I could talk to. Waiting for death by week 3 basically. And miraculously, I survived it. But the experience is still there. It's very confusing to me because I survived. I'm part of the 5% that survives this disease and should be happy. Instead, i've become socially awkward; have zero self-esteem now and am still haunted by the experience. I just cant shake it out of my head. I don't want to talk about this with my parents because I don't really connect with them like that and I don't talk to my friends about it because they don't understand what I went through. They don't really treat this as a problem. And they didn't understand the severity of it while I was in the hospital either. Thus, I don't have anyone to talk to about it.
I'm really lost here. I need help. I've tried anti-depression drugs, psychiatrists, psychologists. Nothing helps. I just don't open up I guess.
While typing this post here, I kind of feel like a social failure and a waste of your time but this was the only thing I haven't tried.

[candabear17]

You are no where near a social failure and if I thought your post was a waste of time I wouldn't have read or replied to it. Believe it or not, there are other people who have been traumatized by hospitalizations. They have special recovery programs in some hospitals where patients can interact with each other. I'm not sure what their policies are but you may be able to join in. I think you just need someone you can relate to. I felt the same way after I was diagnosed w PTSD. Unfortunately, you're experience is rare, but you can still find people who have been traumatized in a different way. Anyone who's come close to death like that knows the fear and the pain you went through. I actually have a couple questions for you if you don't mind:
Do you get nightmares and flashbacks?
Do you feel like you're different from everyone else?
Can you see a future for yourself?
Do you constantly feel the need to loon over you're shoulder like someone or something is watching you?
Do you see things out of the corner of you eye or even directly in front of you?
Do you get frequent migraines or headaches?

[shahrezsyed]

Thanks :)
Well...I do get a lot of nightmares and flashbacks
I definitely feel im different.
Well...the third question's a little hard to answer. I think I do. But I don't really believe my life will turn out the way I want it to...
The answer to the last three questions would be no.

[xarvon1412]

Hey, you're not a social failure, you do have friends. Whether you can talk to them about this or not, you have them. They're there for you, and they would help you if they could. I'm now one of them. If you ever need to talk, or just get your mind off of things, I'm here for you. I may not have been through what you've been through, and maybe I never will, but I can try my hardest to understand. Also, your post was far from a waste of time. I always enjoy trying to help people, even if sometimes I'm no good at it XP

[candabear17]

Thanks :)
Well...I do get a lot of nightmares and flashbacks
I definitely feel im different.
Well...the third question's a little hard to answer. I think I do. But I don't really believe my life will turn out the way I want it to...
The answer to the last three questions would be no.

You should look up info on PTSD. Maybe talk to a therapist and see what they think. I think it's very possible that you have a mental illness as a result of what you went through. If you find out what it is, maybe you can finally get some understanding and peace of mind :)

[Φρανκομβριτ]

Almost sounds like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. You really need to see a doctor and psycho therapist. They will be able to help you immensely.

I'm sorry to hear of your experience. This forum can be a good vent sometimes, however I believe you would benefit greatly from professional help.

A normal life is achievable, it's just a long hard road. It gets better eventually, at least that's what I'm told.