Recovered?

[screamtobeheard]

I like to consider myself recovered. Most days, I eat about twice. I can drink juice and milk about once a day now, instead of just water and diet soda all the time. My BMI is healthy, not underweight. I don't exercise a million times a day to burn off every calorie I consume. I don't throw up what I can't work off.

At least for the most part. I still hate myself. I look into a mirror and want to cut off the fat. I still cry because I hate being fat. Still, when people tell me I'm thin or attractive, I try to figure out why they're lying to me. Some days, I still count calories. Some days, I still don't eat.

I don't understand why getting better still feels like hell. If recovery feels the same as being sick, then what's the point in recovering? Before, at least I could find comfort in my self destruction.

[Triceratops]

There hasn't been a single day since I went into recovery where I haven't counted calories and still felt like I was really overweight regardless of what my BMI and measurements tell me. I'm afraid you've probably picked up a range of rigid habits that are going to be insanely difficult to break. It's the way it is unfortunately.

[screamtobeheard]

If I count them, I don't eat. So I guess it's good that I have enough control to keep myself from doing that...

Yeah, I think I'm going to feel overweight for the rest of my life. It's awful.