I really don't know where to put this or what to do...

[Cognizant]

I really don't. I've been having thoughts related to suicide recently.
Whenever I get upset/depressed like I am right now, I wonder one of two things related to suicide.

I sometimes think how would people react after I kill myself. I often imagine stepping in front of a bus or train when I think about this, so usually it's first how the people at the train station, or on the bus, then my high school. It really upsets me because I know they care about me, and even though I never talk to the people on the 89, they're always the same people and it just destroys me that they would probably think "that kid that always has to run for the bus just killed himself..."

The other thing I think about is "the before". For example: Sitting at the station waiting for the express train or bus, then laying down on the trackbed. This part doesn't really disturb me as much, but still enough to keep me tossing and turning at night.

I just want it to stop. I know I would (most likely) *never* kill myself, I'm for the most part decently happy, I have friends who care about me, but for some reason, I guess it's songs that trigger it, I spiral down at night and get these thoughts. I don't want to tell anyone, I don't want medication, I don't want to leave, I don't want help, I just want it to go away but I don't know how...

[screamtobeheard]

Suicidal thoughts can be really scary because even though you think you know yourself, you never really know what you'd be willing to do to escape pain.

That being said, I think it's fairly normal to think about suicide now and again (though I may not be one to know much about normalcy), or at the very least, you're definitely not alone in this. I think if it continues, you should consider talking to someone professionally about this. Suicidal thoughts can be a sign of depression, and if you're suffering with depression, you should get help.

Even if you don't want to talk to a professional just yet, I think you should confide in someone you trust, or at least someone here, just to talk things through and maybe clear your mind a bit. Feel free to pm me if you need someone.

Best of luck.

[candabear17]

I had these same thoughts and feelings right before I attempted suicide. If it hadn't been for my grandma, I would have died. One thing you have to remember is that when you're dead, youre dead. You don't get to see the reactions of the people you care about. When you find yourself imagining these things, try to change your thoughts (I know it's horribly hard) to something bad that would happen if you weren't here. For me, it was my nephew. Find someone you love more than anything and wish only the best for them, then think of their reaction. Think about how alone they'll feel after you're gone. Sometimes, just losing someone you care deeply about to suicide, can push you to suicide yourself. Try different scenarios but think of them logically not emotionally. If it doesn't work, try something else. Keep trying everything you can think of till you find something.
No one wants to lose you. Keep pushing.

[Twilly F. Sniper]

I had pretty similar thoughts when I tried to kill myself. As well as thoughts much more disturbing. Like everybody at peace and absolutely no problems. World peace because I wasn't here. It's likely solvable somewhat by psychiatric analysis. Of course the psychiatrist. I don't know for a fact because I had to change my life to solve my problems, only worked because I actually had a bad life before then, Im sure it would make your case much worse.

LAC

[jayyy-lmao]

I'm actually feeling pretty much the same right now.

[Cognizant]

Oh look, they're coming back...

Maybe someone should kill me so I can stop this shit.