Stressed and Depressed

[Jasey]

So let's start this out, All though life I have been slightly depressed, I suffer from insomnia, I am lonely, I find myself disgusting and I am struggling with sexuality - Those are just the basic contributing factors...

I have a lot of fears which often have a negative impact on my life every day, I have to admit the biggest one is the future, being a fresh graduate I really don't know what to do with my life... I was going to become an adolescent psychiatrist but I ruined my marks when I didn't attend school for awhile, this career path was the only viable option I saw for myself, because having struggled I want to be around for others when they are in need, I would do this job for free and if I don't pursue this career I wont have any value in a self point of view this is mostly stressing me out because I don't know how to fix my marks or where to even begin, what school to attend, medical schools, residency etc etc etc.... Another fear is of the anti-depressants my doctor wanted to put me on.... I have always been afraid if I took them instead of getting better after finding the right meds and the 5 weeks of starting them that I could lose who I already am, or my sanity in general.

Even the best part of my life depresses me, I am in love with my best friend, GO FIGURE right? He's straight and doesn't have any problem with the fact that I have the deepest attraction towards him emotionally, He's always been there for me and only has good intentions, sometimes I get upset over what he has and when he disregards them so easily, he has money, a car, happiness and good marks, even knowing he doesn't mean to I still get angry with him, Sometimes I try to push him away knowing that he'd probably be happier not having to baby sit the kid who constantly has suicidal thoughts or is never happy... I truly don't understand why he is still my friend when he knows how fucked up I am and that a great deal more of people would be better suited and actually happy. we have made all these life plans such as moving in together and such and supporting each other when need be emotionally, Which would be more me in need... but I seriously doubt I will be alive long enough to see these promises through. We hang out every day even if we work until 12 am, we grab tea, smoke cigarettes and talk for hours, those are the only moments where I even slightly feel happy

It seems my parents don't even understand or try to, I am told it's just a phase and that I need to grow up and get over myself, but it's really not that easy, every night I stay up till ungodly hours and mull over the fact that I am not good enough, I wont amount to anything, I only bring others down and that I am better off just killing myself.

Any sort of insight on this or even agreement that I am messed up would be welcome. :P I just needed to rant about how broken my brain is.

[TheTherapist]

Dear Jasey,

Since you stated that your doctor would like to put you on Anti-depressants, it’s safe to say you have gotten professional help? If so you’re already on a road to recovery. Jasey, most people are scared to go and open up to a professional in fear of exactly what you’re in fear of, the meds. But let me tell you, coming from someone who has seen the effects on people around me, it do not change the person or their views and values. The meds make the people see clearer. Depression is not a flaw in character it is a flaw in chemistry. And to fix that flaw the medication would only affect your chemical imbalance in your body and not your characteristics as a person. By taking these meds you would not be whipped clean of your problems nor will you like your self anymore then you do now (referring to your post “ I find myself disgusting”) The medication would only make you able to fight the dark feelings and have hope in yourself.
The insomnia can be caused by many things but since you didn’t mention any medical conditions to why you suffer from insomnia ive come up with a few causes.
 Are you under a lot of stress?
 Are you depressed or feel emotionally flat or hopeless?
 Do you struggle with chronic feelings of anxiety or worry?
 Have you recently gone through a traumatic experience?
 Are you taking any medications that might be affecting your sleep?
 Do you have any health problems that may be interfering with sleep?
 Is your sleep environment quiet and comfortable?
 Are you spending enough time in sunlight during the day and in darkness at night?
 Do you try to go to bed and get up around the same time every day?

I know from reading your post that a lot of theses you would answer yes to. I think that if you fought your depression you would be able to get over insomnia (Guessing that it is not caused by a medical condition- If so see a doctor and get the medical help). Some ways to help your insomnia on your own would be:
 Make sure your bedroom is quiet, dark, and cool. Noise, light, and heat can interfere with sleep..
 Stick to a regular sleep schedule. Support your biological clock by going to bed and getting up at the same time every day, including weekends. (since you have a job and a life you would have to work around that witch can be tough but its helpful and its 100% do-able)
 Avoid stimulating activity and stressful situations before sleeping. This means no vigorous exercise; big discussions or arguments; and TV, computer, or video game use before bed.
 Limit caffeine, alcohol, and nicotine. Stop drinking caffeinated beverages at least eight hours before bed. Avoid drinking alcohol in the evening; while alcohol can make you feel sleepy, it interferes with the quality of your sleep. Quit smoking or avoid it at night, as nicotine is a stimulant (since quitting is a very stressful project, leave that till last if your insomnia does not get slightly better from the above steps)

Anxiety towards the future is very common. Due to your grades I can see why you are stressing about not getting the job you've dreamed of. But there’s always ways to get over that hump. You mentioned you didn't know how to fix your marks, well step one would be taking control. You need to do the work to get the grades. Secondly see your school guidance counselor and tell her about your fear of the future. That’s exactly what they are there for, they will help you get the career your looking for and also help you get the grades you need for that job.

As for your love for your best friend my only advice would be to give it time, if he do not progress in the relationship you need to accept that and take time in your life to get over that. Since he has always been there for you and he helps you through a lot could mean that your mind is telling you to love him because he is the only one you can turn to. He is your safe spot. Since he makes you happy and helps you deal with your problems I would say keep him around. But also do not get overly attached. Do not put all your problems on him without his consent to do so. Doing this can really stress your friend out. And maybe push him away.

Your parent’s I’m sure mean well but they don’t understand everything you’re going through. Talking to them about how driven you are about your future and how stressing it is to maybe not get your dream job could show them that you are grown up.
I am not ruling suicide out as an option. But it is a permanent option. It’s something you will never be able to take back. You will never be able to walk down an isle or have kids or drive to get that damn job you want so badly. Just think when you fight through this you can share your story and help so many people around you. You could save lives man. You can be a hero.
No Jasey you are not messed up, you are a normal human being. Thousands of teens and young adults go through almost the same cases as you. You’re not broken. Your just missing a few parts, go find those parts.

I hope you get the chance to read this, and a reply on how you're doing would be great! I wish the best for you. Also if you ever feel like you need someone I'll be here to chat.

Xx TheTherapist

[Jasey]

Not gunna lie, after having a huge ass fight with said best friend tonight after spending all day togeather yesterday and reading this I burst out in tears, I know I need to change a lot in my life but its truly hard.... My brain just shuts my rational mind down when it comes to simple things like trusting a doctor or forcing myself to try to fix my problems, I was told it requires strength, Its not even a matter of strength, its a matter of decision, when someone is depressed, they're no longer battling depression, its the in between stages where one could consider it a "battle", once a person truly succumbs to depression, there is absolutely no will to fight, which is what makes it the hardest thing to beat, and by far one of the worst illnesses out there, I first contemplated suicide in grade 5/6, but back then it wasn't as in depth, it was just hoping I'd disappear and quit being an inconvenience to my family blah blah blahhhhhhh. Some people just aren't meant to overcome this, I made a doctor's appointment last week, but ultimately if I don't get even the slightest bit of clarity in my life sometime soon that can be put into action, I'll probably just quit being an inconvenience permanently.