Daily Monotamous Life

[VaughnVoyage]

This is my first real post, and I suppose I just want to release some tension by sharing about my life issues. Essentially my life just seems to move on past me for the most part while I'm barely participating. I'm the one preforming the actions, but I don't feel like I'm living my life. I get no joy from anything that I do, even things that I should enjoy. I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of neglecting my obligations, loved ones, and myself followed by feeling anxious and guilty about doing so. All I want to do is sleep where I can dream about the life I hope to have someday.While I'm awake I just feel like I'm a failure and that I'll never get anywhere, or anything I desire. Often taking my life seems like a reasonable solution. It scares me how logical it seems on the bad days. Thinking about it makes me happy, and I imagine relief from the depression and anxiety I struggle with on a daily basis. I don't even think I usually feel sad, just numb.

I don't really expect responses, I fully understand that I'm just one of thousands of people who struggle with the same (and more). I mean nothing more than they do, I'm not a special case. I just felt like writing down how I feel someplace where people could see.

[Hyper]

Well you probably aren't special. But you are special to someone, wether friends/family or just yourself and already that matters.

What's the life you dream about like?

[VaughnVoyage]

I just imagine a generically happy life honestly. I envision myself going to a good college, doing well in my classwork, meeting new people, and possibly even having a healthy romantic relationship. On certain days these basic things that I'm aware are perfectly obtainable seem unreachable. Basically I imagine escaping the unhappy life here and moving away to start over with a new positive attitude.

[Hyper]

So you just want to be happy and on the days you feel, perhaps, thinking back on the ''good days'' unreasonably unhappy you feel even worse over that; i.e why am I unhappy? Or the simple abbrevation of ''why can't I be normal'' it usually boils down to that...

I don't obviously know you or what your life is like but when you said it like you did you sound clinically depressed and based on my own experiences it doesn't go away without professional help wether it's just seeing a psychologist (counselling) or a psychiatrist (treatment with drugs)... So I suggest you seek out help if you can't make sense of it as you are now it wont be any different further on down the road - usually just gets worse though sometimes we learn to cope better, hide it from the people around us and so on but that ultimately makes us feel more miserable on the inside, it did for me at least. But the way I see it you still want to be happy, you want to live your life and that's a good thing and you shouldn't let depression get in your way, especially not feel guilty about.

[VaughnVoyage]

Thank you for your response. I'm aware that I need professional help. I've talked about it with my mom, but she's not been able to find someone decent that is affordable in our small town. Though I'm honestly not sure how hard she's tried. I don't want to bring it up again because we're already financially stressed and I feel guilty about needing the extra attention.

[Hyper]

School counsellors? Non profit orgs? They usually have something like that around, though it takes a bit of searching.

Feeling guilty and all is normal, we don't want to be a burden wether that's true or not, sometimes being seemingly selfish in the present is better for everyone in the long run.

For me depression ended my ''path'' of education and all of that made people around me worry and perhaps feel burdened far more when I was trying to get help when I was younger...

Just try to think about the things you could be do in your daily life for your mother & others you care about if you have that extra energy and don't constantly feel burdened by depression.

And take note that any kind of recovery takes time so the sooner you start the better for you... It's important you get started while you are still in your earlier teens. The longer depression goes on the more it sort of eats into our life and the way we view things - correcting that later on will be even more difficult and letting depression ''run its course'' when it is severe can often lead to even more mental problems.

So even though you feel like you shouldn't be a burden to your mom I think you should bring it up again and try to find some way of helping yourself. Mothers tend to worry by default if your mother is someone you thought you could trust with this before I am 99% sure she notices when you are in a depressive period and that going on for a long period of time probably burdens her many times more than financial difficulties.