I will never be good enough at anything!!!

[Avenida105]

I always had a problem of competition, since I was very young, I always wanted to be better, which I, until this point, thought it wasn't bad at all. I mean competition is good because you strive to be better and slowly slowly you move up in whatever "pyramid" you are in. Slowly it has become stronger, probably specially since I moved, I set my goals to become as good as this person, and then move on to the next one, and like that after a while I have started feeling like a parasite. Now things are starting to get really shitty, because I can't stand people being better than me, and I have the constant urge to judge and be an insolent douche to those who are "less" than me. To top everything those who are better than me, I can't stand them, I hate them, and believe me it isn't a hate like dislike, it's a pure dark hate. Just this year I have passed 6 people in my team and every time is not to satisfy now I have come to a person who is really good at running, he is smart, good looking, tall, and fortunate many things that I want and he his also one of my closest friend, and as stupid as it sounds I hate him, and when ever we run I try to stay as close as possible because I must be better than him at summers end to be in varsity, and its a drive that is so strong I swear I imagine him dying or something, and I just can't stand it because I'm also loosing it, I'm barely the person who I truly am. It feels like I'm not me and I hate it, but I just can't stand him being better than me.

[Gandalf]

I highly doubt the title as accurate, I know what it feels like to feel less than successful or second rate, you try your best and thats all you can do.

I'd try and work out why you dont feel good enough, is it jealousy towards your friend or does it come from a constant expectation from your parents? Something else? Whatever it is if you can identify what is feeding this cycle then perhaps you can start to identify ways of improving things.

Jealousy is a natural emotion, you know it isnt right so dont treat yourself too harshly for feeling it.

If you cant think of anything in particular wih regard to my previous question, I would then think: "Do I set my own expectations too high?" --Sometimes we do and when we do we often dont live upto it. Try and enjoy the little victories and the positive things wherever you can find them and attempt to regain the fun in what you do, there isnt any point not at least having fun, which can be just as fulfilling.

Ben