I think this might be it...

[iCookie Jar]

I don't know what to feel. I've been battling with myself for so long that I don't even know what it's for anymore. I'm so numb to everything, the things in life that I know I should enjoy like friendships and family and all the other crap. It means nothing to me. I feel trapped in this world, knowing that, no matter where I go or what I do, I will just be another forgotten face. My whole life had been a lie to everyone. I'm gay, and the only people who knew left for another college, so once again I'm secluded. And moreover, I feel ashamed to admit it, because I know people will judge me for it. I find myself craving my innocence again, I miss being young and being happy and not giving a shit about anything but being happy - the feelings for a beautiful boy, feelings I was too young to understand. But now that I'm 18, and even before now, I feel like everywhere people judge me and each other because that's what our society has come to. Endlessly sizing one another up to become top-dog. But of what? Money? Power? Our whole fucking existence has become this petty scramble for approval and I think it's all so pointless.
Even now, writing this; people don't give a fuck what I have to say. It doesn't benefit them, so they pass it by. I feel so trapped. So alone. I don't even know why I'm writing this... I just had to tell someone, anyone who would listen. I can feel it coming. My day, where I just get too sick of being scared and miserable to continue. Fuck fighting through it, because in fifty years, no one will remember my name. I guess it's sad that I feel more comfort knowing that I have the power to take my life whenever I like, than knowing I have the rest of my life ahead of me. I'm just so sick of it all. I'm sick of myself.
I've stopped going to college because it makes be feel sick, but I don't know why. I'm in a cycle where one moment I want to do well in life; I'm capable of getting good grades; I want a family, kids. But then I think that it won't matter because in the end, we all fade away. Like I said, I don't know how to feel.
I have a friend, if I can call him that. A boy I met whilst volunteering at a local school. Something I took true joy in, reminiscing about my carefree days, a happiness that I don't ever remembering feeling - I wanted to go to bed so I could wake up the next day and see them. Whenever I talk to him, and hear all the things that are important to him, like the car shaped stone he found in the playground, all the hate, and worry and fear that is so deeply tied in me seems to dissolve away, and whilst I talking to him, all I think is that he's gonna have a great life. But now, I don't even have the drive to get my A-Levels to get into teaching.
Fuck. I've written an essay, but there's so much more I want to say... My title reads 'this might be it', and I really think it might be. They say, when you know you're going to die, the last thing people feel is acceptance. and that's how I feel. If I knew that I was going to die any day now, I wouldn't be worried, I'd welcome it. I truly believe that. I think the only thing stopping me from topping myself is the thought of that boy, and the whole life he has ahead of him.

[SilentCutter]

Wow, it made me sad to read this. My words may be meaningless to you, but I have to disagree with what you said, "Even now, writing this; people don't give a fuck what I have to say. It doesn't benefit them, so they pass it by." If that were true then I would have read a few words and then "pass it by" but I didn't. I'm here simply to help. If this boy is keeping you here with the rest of us, then why not stick around and see him grow up into a good person? Your friends and family mean nothing to you, but they do. Some tiny part inside you care about them. No matter how small it's there.
More than anything our lives are in our own hands, and we have the power to end it when we like. Knowing that why not live it up, before the time for us to die comes? If we do fade away after we die, now would be the time to make the most out of our lives.
You can ignore my words, but please know the people here on VT and in your life out there do care about you.

[chrisawesome]

Oh my, this makes me feel so terrible. You just have to think of the positive side of things. Life is what you make it. I know its hard now but you just have to push yousellf out of this hell filled rut and find something you really are pationate about in life. You do actually sound like me when I was young. My friend moved away and to this day I never got over that! For a few years I would be inconfident and feel ;, sad, lonley, and worthless. One day really pretty girl saw me in class and just taked to me for a while. I really thought that she was "too good for me" but I got a good friend connection with her. Just as hard as it was for her to talk to that lonly person sitting by himslef(me), you have to suck it up and find people who you are interested in. Not for a gf/bf relationship, but someone who really cares about you. Look at your family. I knew someone who died young and they werent very close to their family. I've learned that they go to the cemetary everyday and pray for an hour everyday in church asking to see them one more day. You cant in no way tell me that no one cares

Life will get better, I promise!! I feel so much better that I got out of that hell tempted rut. I am completely a different person. It all changed for the better, most things do change for the better. But I wont happen instantly. After a while You will be so proud of yourself. I know I was. If you want to feel like you are more attractive, that will get some people talking to you. Maybe you could; get contacts, get a job to pay for higher priced clothing, workout, take care of your body, just do something that you admire in other people and strive to get there. I was a skinny nerdy person until I discovered Jacob Black. I tried to follow like him and I can vividly see improvements in many things from physical to the most important, emotional confidence GOD BLESS YOU!!!!!


( :

After a while, tell me how you feel. Any different? I hope so!!!

[Mob Boss]

Hi, Harry!

To be completely honest, you make some valid points. I'd be a fool if I said you are being irrational. But what you're leaving out is the absolute beauty and mystery of life. There are moments when I question my existence, or the existence of the human race in general. I mean, why are we here? I think that question can be answered simply: We're here to live. We are here to write our own story through memories, love and experiences. Cheesy, right? But it's so true. You're so numb to everything in life. Well that can be changed. I've been in that same spot. I didn't feel like anything could change, I'd always wake up wishing for nighttime again so I could sleep and not feel anything. So I could detach myself from life. And it didn't happen over night, but I changed. My perspective on life changed. Instead of contemplating my existence, I began cherishing my existence. We're here once, with these people once, and these lives once. We get to make memories, and have immortality through those memories that we make with others. So, yeah, our physical selves fade, but the impact we had on other's lives and memories we give others will never fade. I heard once that joy and sadness/depression cannot reside together. They truly can't. When you find yourself, or purpose, you will find joy as well. When the joy and serenity comes, the sadness and numb feeling will dissipate. You're gay, so what? There has never been a more accepting period in society than we're in now. Society, as a whole, is starting to realize that not everyone is born the same or thinks the same, or feels the same. Being gay is such a small aspect of who you are as a person. And those who can't accept that, well, they don't deserve to have a person like you in their life anyways.
I think what is so beautiful about childhood is the blinding innocence we all have. It's like we have these goggles on that shield all the bad in the world, but we also don't experience some of the beauty in life that we do as adults/teens, such as self-discovery.
The thought of the future is an overwhelming one, certainly. But don't let that prohibit you from striving for your dreams. Those dreams don't have to be centered around career success. They should be centered around your happiness, whether that be doing non-profit charity work and living in a cardboard box, or living in a suburb with your hubby and picturesque family. Whatever makes you happy and brings you joy will eliminate those thoughts. Ruminations about the future and the purpose of life will make you feel numb and begin questioning. Live in the presence, Harry. Life, well, it's not always rewarding and happy, but it is beautiful. And the person that you've been molded into is beautiful. Keep fighting because one day you're going to look back and smile and thank yourself for staying so strong.

I feel like this is you reaching out for help. Well, I'm always a VM or PM away and we can talk about anything under the sun if you ever need to. Don't hesitate to ask for help, we're all here for you. Keep fighting, Harry; one day it will all be worth it. :hug: