HeartCoreHannah
February 4th, 2013, 05:29 AM
I over eat. Constantly. I can never eat a normal meal. I have always struggled with it, but lately it has gotten worse. I’ve gained so much weight in the past year, it’s unbelievable. I’ve had issues with purging but don’t talk about it with anymore. But I won't go into that.. Not like anyone would care anyways, because I’m obese.
Anyways, I just got done watching “Thin” and I feel like a piece of shit. The entire time I was watching it, I was wishing I was in their position. It’s so fucked up. I know so many people with an ED and their lives are miserable, they pray for death every single day, and I feel so bad for them… But I can’t help it. I wish I was sick so I could be thin. I don’t have the will power to not eat anymore. I’m even bad at being sick. I hate my face. I hate my body. I hate myself. I’m mad at everyone around me constantly. I blame my mom for my weight because if she would of controlled my eating habits, I wouldn’t be where I am now. Which I know isn’t rational, but that’s just how I feel.
I can’t have any type of relationship with anyone because I can’t get close to anyone. I want someone to love and to have someone love me, but I can’t imagine ever having someone touch me, hold me, kiss me, because I’m so disgusting.. and even when it did happen, I didn’t believe it was love because, come on, who would willingly want to be loving toward me? So like all the others, that relationship didn’t work out… and he still to this day, doesn’t talk to me.
I even find it hard to have friendships because I’m always the ugly fat friend and I always feel like I’m in competition with them. I have online “friends” and that works for me, but the moment they want to hangout, I get so paranoid, I actually make myself sick. I had a theory in my head that a girl I hung out with a while ago, was just hanging out with me to do something horrible to me and to go home and tell all her friends how disgusting I was.
When I was suicidal I was in the process of taking a bunch of tylenol and I remember thinking “All I want is to be skinny.. now I’m going to die and I’m never going to be..” and I stopped taking them. I mean, who does that? Who stops in the middle of attempting suicide just because they want to be skinny? I did start throwing up every meal after that, for about three months. I lost ten pounds, but it obviously wasn’t enough. Once I realized I was never going to lose weight, I did attempt killing myself again. But we all see how that turned out. I even lose at trying to die.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish I were born someone else. I just keep hoping reincarnation is real so that maybe when I do die, I will come back as somebody beautiful and skinny. That’s all I can ask for at this point. That’s all I want.
Anyways, I just got done watching “Thin” and I feel like a piece of shit. The entire time I was watching it, I was wishing I was in their position. It’s so fucked up. I know so many people with an ED and their lives are miserable, they pray for death every single day, and I feel so bad for them… But I can’t help it. I wish I was sick so I could be thin. I don’t have the will power to not eat anymore. I’m even bad at being sick. I hate my face. I hate my body. I hate myself. I’m mad at everyone around me constantly. I blame my mom for my weight because if she would of controlled my eating habits, I wouldn’t be where I am now. Which I know isn’t rational, but that’s just how I feel.
I can’t have any type of relationship with anyone because I can’t get close to anyone. I want someone to love and to have someone love me, but I can’t imagine ever having someone touch me, hold me, kiss me, because I’m so disgusting.. and even when it did happen, I didn’t believe it was love because, come on, who would willingly want to be loving toward me? So like all the others, that relationship didn’t work out… and he still to this day, doesn’t talk to me.
I even find it hard to have friendships because I’m always the ugly fat friend and I always feel like I’m in competition with them. I have online “friends” and that works for me, but the moment they want to hangout, I get so paranoid, I actually make myself sick. I had a theory in my head that a girl I hung out with a while ago, was just hanging out with me to do something horrible to me and to go home and tell all her friends how disgusting I was.
When I was suicidal I was in the process of taking a bunch of tylenol and I remember thinking “All I want is to be skinny.. now I’m going to die and I’m never going to be..” and I stopped taking them. I mean, who does that? Who stops in the middle of attempting suicide just because they want to be skinny? I did start throwing up every meal after that, for about three months. I lost ten pounds, but it obviously wasn’t enough. Once I realized I was never going to lose weight, I did attempt killing myself again. But we all see how that turned out. I even lose at trying to die.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish I were born someone else. I just keep hoping reincarnation is real so that maybe when I do die, I will come back as somebody beautiful and skinny. That’s all I can ask for at this point. That’s all I want.