I'm the problem.

[rockNroll]

Hi everyone. So I'm just gonna jump into some stories.
Edit: I just realized this is pretty long. Sorry about that. You should still read it though.

2 nights ago, I was hanging out with some friends. We decided to smoke a little bit (I'm not promoting anything, just telling the story). I was with 2 good friends and a few people I'm acquaintances with, 2 of which smoked with me. I was having a good time, but I slowly started to realize that everyone there were all better friends with each other than I was with anyone. I didn't really have much to say in conversation, which happens to me often unless I'm with one of my really close friends who I can talk to about anything.

I decided I'd leave, said goodbye to them and walked to a concert in my town that some of my friends were at. I go to concerts all the time with friends and I always have a great time, but this was my first time going high (I'd been drunk before and it was pretty awesome. Wait, shit, that's kinda promoting alcohol. Don't do drugs). I knew some acquaintances and a friend who I really like that would be there are anti-everything and they wouldn't be happy if they knew I was high, but I didn't think it was that obvious.

When I got to the concert, after a 20 minute walk by myself in the freezing cold during which I had a lot of time to think, I felt pretty good. I was ready to party. But, just like I had noticed at my friend's house, I started noticing that nobody really wanted me there or cared that I was there. I started noticing small details in peoples' body language that I would have been oblivious to otherwise. I think people realized I was high and started shunning me for that, but nobody cared when I was drunk. It didn't make sense, and the only difference I could think of was me. When I was drunk or even when I go to these things sober as a nun, I wouldn't think about any of this stuff, I'd just try to have a good time. But I wasn't having a good time.

Once again I was sensing that everyone there had someone they'd rather be talking to than me. It's not that people don't like me, I don't think, but it's that I'm not 'best friends' with anyone. I'm always really awkward around new people, but I could now see extremely clearly as if I was watching my actions, that I just felt uncomfortable around people and they feel uncomfortable around me. I started to realize that although I liked my friend as more than a friend, she clearly didn't feel the same to me. This was confirmed in my head when I heard someone talking about me and her and a date we went on that ended badly. I didn't tell anyone about that date, so clearly she told him, which pissed me off. I felt like nobody had any respect for me anymore. Or maybe they never did?

So I eventually had to leave, but not before talking to two other friends for a little bit. Then, last night, I got a text asking if I wanted to hang out with them. They picked me up and the three of us went on a mission to score some weed. Not exactly what I would have chosen to do if it was me, but I wasn't gonna say anything. During the night, I got the same feeling I had the night before. The two of them are close friends, they dated for awhile as well, and I just felt like I was permanently a third wheel. I know that I could have said all the right things and ended the night being best friends with both of them, but I didn't say the right things so instead it just felt awkward and strained.

I had never really had that big of a problem with who I am before those nights, but they left me thinking. I started to see how I act to other people and I realized that I can be really annoying when I do talk, which isn't too often. And while I used to be content with just not talking at all before, I now see how uncomfortable that makes situations. I think I might have social anxiety or maybe depression, but I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about it, since I don't feel close enough with anyone to talk about this stuff, not even my parents.

So, I guess I don't really have anything to ask you guys, I think I just needed to vent this all out to someone, even if nobody reads it. I guess if anyone could give me advice on how to overcome my social anxiety or if anyone has any advice or thoughts in general, that would be awesome. Love you guys.

[Lost in the Echo]

It seems like you're just paranoid about your friends being uncomfortable around you.
Also, it seems that you've only felt this way around them when you're high ( just thought I should add that ).

I think they do like you, otherwise they wouldn't have wanted to pick you up, to go get some weed with them.

I think you should just try to ignore these feeling for a little while.
If these feelings don't go away, then tell everybody how you feel. Tell them you're sensing they feel uncomfortable, when they're around you.

Honestly though, I just think you've been a little paranoid about this.
I think that feeling should pass, soon.

Also, if they really were uncomfortable around you, they would've said something by now, or would have just ignored you.

I think everything will be fine, it just seems like you're paranoid.
Like I said though, if these feelings don't go away, then let your friends know how you feel.

[workingatperfect]

Yeah, I used to feel like this a lot when I still had friends. I haven't really felt like anyone's best friend for years. Even when I had two other best friends, they were always closer to each other than they were to me. And I think part of it could be my social anxiety because it's hard for me to relax around anyone and not worry about saying the rights things and whatnot. That makes it really hard to actually connect with people. I feel like people find me really annoying a lot too. It's a shitty feeling. But what I always keep in mind, and this is kind of in response to the story about going a mission with the two friends, is if they approach you to hang out, you must be doing something right. they obviously like you or they wouldn't bother trying to do stuff with you. So you're on the right track with them. Just remember that they are the ones who asked you to hang out, and that should help you relax around them and hopefully talk more and feel more comfortable.

Oh, and keep in mind that while being high can give you some new perspective on things, it can also make you paranoid and that can skew your view on situations.

[Lyra Heartstrings]

TWPR :arrow: Family and Friends
This was hard to sort. ;_;