I'm lost...

[Whiskey-Lullaby]

Guys, I don't know what to do anymore.

My life has never been easy, and last year I got to a point where I was seriously consdering suicide. But I somehow found the strenght to wait for thoses thougts to go away. I was feeling better.
But I'm not okay anymore. I tried to cope with my feelings, I don't know how I resolved to this, but I self-harmed. I've been clean for 2 weeks now, I'm snapping a rubber band on my wrist instead. I had to stop because I'm too scared someone might see my scars.
But as I stopped self-harm, I feel like I'm getting worse.
I know how it feels to be sucidal, feeling there is no other way. I'm starting to feel like this again and it scares me.

How not to have sucidal thoughts again ? I'm so lost, and I'm not sure I will find the strenght to fight them if they were to come back....

[Gwen]

You need to find someone or something important to you and grasp it. Everyone needs something to live for, some people use Religion, some people have their Parents or Siblings and some have their friends. Everyone has someone they care for you need to remember him/her/they care for you too and you've got to hold onto that feeling...

[ackmedsgirl666]

you need to think of better coping methods to avoid these bad times...
try listening to music... writing down bad feelings...
and continue with that rubber band snapping it does help

and as for your scars those are just there as past memories to remind you of your darker days and remind you that your doing so much better... and that your happier... keep your head up kiddo

[Whiskey-Lullaby]

Thing is, I'lm a musician and a painter, last year it helped me a lot, bu right now I can't find the strength to do anything.
My friends have no idea of the state I'm in, other dissapointed me lately. And I do have family issues too. I don't really know who I can't talk to.
I really don't know what to do and it just keeps getting worse..

[Whiskey-Lullaby]

Guys, I couldn't bear it anymore, I cut again. And as I'm doing it I'm feeling slightly better.
It can not be the right thing to do, right ?

[xarvon1412]

I'm going to tell you straight and flat out, cutting is a lot better than being dead. However, you shouldn't do it. I know that right now you're hurting, and it seems hopeless, but it will get better. Find things to distract, get back into your music, find a friend that you can tell, one that will understand. You can't do this. Try to keep away from that razor, and keep up with the rubber band snapping, thanks for that, I'm actually going to try that now. I'm feeling pretty suicidal right now as well, so I probably shouldn't be giving you advice, but let's get through this together alright? If you need somebody to talk to, or just advice in general, you can wall me. I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

[Whiskey-Lullaby]

So it's been a few days since i cutted. I went on again with that rubber band method, so far it's working. But now I know that if the pain is too strong it won't be enough...
The thing is, I have a harsh past and it's hard for me to trust people.
I had this very good frien whom I told almost everything and lately she's been very rude and mean to me. I thought I knew her but I guess I couldn't have been more wrong.

I'm trying to keep busy, I went back to music, painting and also text-writing, it helps, but when I'm in school, in the bus or in my bed trying to fall asleep, I start thinking and the it's very hard not to think of suicide.
I don't see the way out, and I feel like everything is pointless.

There are plenty of things I used to care about, now I just don't care. I feel like nothing is important.
For example, we talked about Columbine's shooting in class the other day. And as I was thinking about it, I thought " Well if I had been there, I don't know if I would've hidden in a closet".
Right after this thought came to my mind it freaked me out. "How dare you think such a thing ?" you know.... I don't recognize myself anymore

I wish I could be able to think clearly, I wish everything would be better in the blink of an eye. But it's not like that. I know I need help, but I don't know who I can talk too. People would either panic about it, or laugh at me for being weak. But somehow writing this message helps. I don't want people to know what I'm going through and it's getting harder to hide the scars. That's why I have to stop cutting.

And I know even if I overcome this dark period of my life, I'll keep the scars (mental ones) forever and it scares me to think that it will never go away. That I will never be totally happy.

[mynameistaken]

If suicidal thoughts start creeping back in i believe you should just remember that if you go through with suicide that you will be missed. There is always somebody that loves you someone that will be hurt by losing you. If you kill yourself you'll also never be around for those people that need you in the future or you'll never be around for the good days. Every life has its ups and downs and you have to take them as they come and live with them but there will be the good times and just try to stick around so you'll have them if they didn't happen yet. I'm not great at advice so i hope this helped...

[Texas warrior]

Get some help, talk to some one. If you do nothing it will just get worse.

[xmojox]

Exercise. Work your body hard. You'll be surprised how much it helps.

[Whiskey-Lullaby]

Hey guys.

So I tried to talk to a friend, I didn't tell her the whole things, I just told her I wasn't feeling so good at the moment ( did't mentionnes suicidal thoughts or self harm) and it helped a bit for like 30 minutes and as soon as we stopped talking i went back to feeling bad again.

It's not getting better but the good thing is that it's not getting worse either.

The only positiv thing is that I havn't self-harmed for about a month and the marks on my arms are fading.

[Whiskey-Lullaby]

And things are getting worse...

Self-harm's back, I feel terrible...

Honestly I feel worthless, like nobody cares, i feel alone.
If only I had someone that would like to help me...

I feel like nobody would notice If I was gone. You know that feeling ? like when you're at the lunch break and everyones tries to go away from you, you hear laughters everywere but you're never the one laughing.
And the few people who doese care about how I'm feeling...well they just want me to feel bad.
For example the girl I used to call my best friend ? Well, If I'm doing something, she's gonna start doing it just to show me and everyone she doese it better. Everytime I'm making new friends, she comes to them and take them away from me (she's done it with my best friend for 7 years who barely talks to me anymore) If a guy starts to talk to me well, she's gonna flirt whith him (even though she has a boyfrend) just to show me how crappy I am.

So basically, all the people who used to ignore me still are, but I don't have anyone around me anymore, not even my best friend for 7 years.
I'm alone in this, and it really hurts to see that no one cares.
I don't see the point anymore, I feel suicidal, as last year, and I'm not sure of how to overcome that...

[Whiskey-Lullaby]

I don't see the point anymore, I don't see any way out.

I used to be able to hide my feelings, sadness, depression when I was at school with other people.
But now I'm not even able to do that.
A few people asked me if I was ok today, I answered that I was tired because I know they don't truly care, and I don't want to bother people with that.

But It's getting harder to hide, just like thoses brand new cuts on my forearm.

Honestly I don't see the point anymore, and I catch myself having suicidal thoughts...
I don't know what to do anymore, I've tried, but I'm helpless...

How do you do ? how do you get better ?

[Whiskey-Lullaby]

I thought here, people would listen to me...but I guess you're just like everyone else.
Ignoring me...

[jayyy-lmao]

We're not ignoring you. :)
How to get better? Go look for help. A counsellor, teacher, parent, friend. Tell them EVERYTHING. Tell the, half a story and they'll be no help. Tell it all. People want to help, and they will help. They will show you that there is more to life and that there is something to live for. :)

[Fanta_Lover44]

Hey! I was in the same position, i stopped cutting. For me i tried talking to people withc worked, this was mainly people over the internet because i feel more comftorable with that. You need to set your self a goal. Next time you feel like your upset, listen to music to cheer you up. Everytime i feel.. i didn't thing that i would come out again.

[zicamir]

Guys, I don't know what to do anymore.

My life has never been easy, and last year I got to a point where I was seriously consdering suicide. But I somehow found the strenght to wait for thoses thougts to go away. I was feeling better.
But I'm not okay anymore. I tried to cope with my feelings, I don't know how I resolved to this, but I self-harmed. I've been clean for 2 weeks now, I'm snapping a rubber band on my wrist instead. I had to stop because I'm too scared someone might see my scars.
But as I stopped self-harm, I feel like I'm getting worse.
I know how it feels to be sucidal, feeling there is no other way. I'm starting to feel like this again and it scares me.

How not to have sucidal thoughts again ? I'm so lost, and I'm not sure I will find the strenght to fight them if they were to come back....
Hi. I can't say I've ever wanted to commit suicide but I have been very very low in the past. Sport helped me a lot. And also share with people as much as you can. You can never imagine how much help you can get from others. When I was depressed I truly believed nobody was able to understand what I was going throug but I was wrong

[APhkinPanda]

Hey, whiskey.. You got to keep your head up. I know it sounds hard to do with all the depression. Yes I know it's easier said than done. But I have been depressed for 11 years. The last 3 years have been almost impossible. I do know what I'm talking about. Because I have been there. Though you got to understand that no one is ignoring you. Is just that people have things to do as well. They have to sleep, eat, breath, blend in with everyone else. But I will try my absolute best to keep in touch with you, I personally want to see you not wanting to hurt yourself. I'm sure others don't as well. Such as your parents and possible siblings. Oh if I don't respond. Is not cause I'm ignoring you. It's cause I have my hands tied up with my problems or its because I don't have connection. Think of other possibilities than thinking everyone is against you. Oh and once I figure out how to cruise on this website ( just made my account to help others ) ill will try my best to respond to your pm's.

[Whiskey-Lullaby]

Hey guys, sorry I didn't reply but I just got my computer back :/

Sorry about the ignoring thing, but I was NOT feeling good when I sent that post.

Anyway, I'm not feeling better at all.
You know, I don't want to annoy people with my problems so I just hide them.
I hide the Self-harm, I hide the depression, I hide the suicidal thoughts...
But sometimes it's hard to hide, cause people think I'm ok, they tease me... when really it hurts.
Bullying is back too, the friend I talked to you about keeps getting the people I love away from me, I've got too much work I can't even chill for just a minute, I still have thoses families issues I talked about...
Basically I don't see the point of living, I would be dead if my parent's were not here. Not because they support me or anything, they don't know what I'm going through anyway, but just the thought of them suffering because of me holds me back.

I see everyone around me very happy, or they would start to complain because they don't have enough time for luch or stuff like that and everyone comforts them.
Whatching this makes me feel very bad, I'm trying to protect people, I don't want them to be involved with any of my problems, but still, they think I'm not worth anything, they don't care.
If only they knew.

I have three close friends (they don't know what state I'm in either) and two of them are going away next year. I'm going to be alone again...

I don't know what to do, I don't see any way out, but still, I'm writing all I've been holding back the past few weeks, and it feels good.

And also I'd like to thank everyone here who answered and took the time to read my not so interessant story. It means a lot.