Asking for help (again)

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I've tried asking for help a few months back, but I didn't get any replies. I haven't been feeling much better since then, hence why I'm making this thread. Sorry this is so long, and sorry if this doesn't make much sense.

I don't really know where to start.
I made it through the Christmas season pretty decently. I didn't really get moody or anything. I was just slightly ticked off because I didn't have any decorations.

My mom and I got in a car crash just over three weeks ago, and I got a case of whiplash, or whatever you'd like to call it. I've been to the hospital once, doctor's twice, and now I'm going to physical therapy. Every day, my shoulder muscles spasm and it feels like someone's decked me. I can barely support my head, and I can barely lift anything without something hurting. So, that's one reason I'm dragged down.

I'm still overweight. Granted I've lost quite a few pounds lately, I'm still a fat fuck. Last week, I go from barely eating anything, and now this week I'm chowing down like there's no tomorrow. I still have 20lbs to go before I even hit my first goal, then I still have more to lose after that. I just look hideous, between my weight, hair, acne, just everything about me looks atrocious.

I basically have no talent. Sure, I take photos with a camera, but I'm no expert. I can't sing, can't play an instrument well, can't play any sport. I'm just this fat sitting around all day screwing around.

Another thing is that I live with a family friend (gramma we'll say). I don't even live with a parent! Mom's always busy with my little brother or work, and all she does now is keep me fed and everything. I ask for help with school, she blows me off. I rarely go to dad's anymore because he's always either out of the house or he's locked in his room. It just pisses me off that there's no family anymore. It's going on... either four or five years since my parents first separated, and that's basically where my life started to go downhill.

School? Well. I'm behind. I just had to drop a class because I didn't do anything in it, and I'm like 2 months behind in my other classes. I'm freaking 16 and I haven't completed 9th grade. How sad is that? I honestly have no motivation to do schoolwork.

My best friend is also on my nerves. First off, he says to me all the time, that he'll text me and ask to hang out, and he never gets a hold of me. If I ask him to hang out, he is always "busy" or "his mom won't let him". It's honestly pissing me off.
Another thing is what he told me last Sunday at church. Basically, we knew this kid that went to youth before. Well, I guess the guy texted him and said that he's gay. My best friend goes on and says "How can you be a Christian and gay at the same time?" and stuff like that. Basically, if someone's /not straight/, he's not gonna even bother talking to them.
I've also heard this in the church. No surprise here, though. I mean, the pastor's always like "love the sinner, hate the sin", ya'know? But apparently, there's an asterisk. If you're not straight, well, we won't even give you an ounce of attention. Which just pisses me off, and honestly, I'm considering breaking ties with not only the church, but my friend and his family. Especially when I'm trying to find out what I am, those kinda comments just freaking stabbed me.

I don't self harm or anything of the like. I'll be honest and think about suicide, but I could never act upon those actions. I just find it... idunno, calming, thinking different scenarios over in my head.

It feels like I'm this fake person. In public, I'm always this happy-go-lucky guy who's always able to do stuff or help you out, but just feels so tired and run down on the inside. I just keep it all bottled up, I just keep thinking "It'll pass. Look at every other time. You get happier. For years this has been happening." But no. Every time I feel like I pick up, something knocks me over and drags me back.

I've already skipped youth group two times this month because I've felt like this. Now I'm even thinking about skipping out on another youth event (and more church in general) because of the way I've been feeling, and because of what my friend and the church in general is saying.

I can't really go to a school counselor, seeing I'm homeschooled. Nor do we have the money to see a regular counselor. Heck, I don't have the balls to talk to anyone in real life. Sometimes, I just wonder what it would be like to start over... Move somewhere where no one knows who you are, no one knows what you've done to get there, anything like that.

But yeah, what I'm trying to get to is... I'm tired of repressing everything, and I have literally nothing/no one to do anything about it with in the real world. If you've read it this far, you deserve some kind of reward. I really appreciate you all here online, but online help only does so much. I just don't know what to ask anymore.
Sorry for taking up so much space.

[Lyra Heartstrings]

Honey, no post is a waste of space. I'm, quite honestly, dead tired, so I apologize if my post doesn't make sense. I'll bold my response under each paragraph.

I've tried asking for help a few months back, but I didn't get any replies. I haven't been feeling much better since then, hence why I'm making this thread. Sorry this is so long, and sorry if this doesn't make much sense.

I don't really know where to start.
I made it through the Christmas season pretty decently. I didn't really get moody or anything. I was just slightly ticked off because I didn't have any decorations.

My mom and I got in a car crash just over three weeks ago, and I got a case of whiplash, or whatever you'd like to call it. I've been to the hospital once, doctor's twice, and now I'm going to physical therapy. Every day, my shoulder muscles spasm and it feels like someone's decked me. I can barely support my head, and I can barely lift anything without something hurting. So, that's one reason I'm dragged down.

Obviously, an injury will affect your mood. However, remember that you'll heal, and it'll go back to normal.

I'm still overweight. Granted I've lost quite a few pounds lately, I'm still a fat fuck. Last week, I go from barely eating anything, and now this week I'm chowing down like there's no tomorrow. I still have 20lbs to go before I even hit my first goal, then I still have more to lose after that. I just look hideous, between my weight, hair, acne, just everything about me looks atrocious.

Ya know what? Despite your weight, or acne, or hair, or anything. You are an absolutely AMAZING person. You never cease to make me laugh anywhere. You're a great guy. Appearance doesn't make the man.

I basically have no talent. Sure, I take photos with a camera, but I'm no expert. I can't sing, can't play an instrument well, can't play any sport. I'm just this fat sitting around all day screwing around.

Or, you haven't found your talent. And maybe you have. Maybe you'll be a photographer. Practice. Get better at it. And you'll do amazing.

Another thing is that I live with a family friend (gramma we'll say). I don't even live with a parent! Mom's always busy with my little brother or work, and all she does now is keep me fed and everything. I ask for help with school, she blows me off. I rarely go to dad's anymore because he's always either out of the house or he's locked in his room. It just pisses me off that there's no family anymore. It's going on... either four or five years since my parents first separated, and that's basically where my life started to go downhill.

This..this hit me hard. I know what it's like to be disconnected from your parents. Talk to them about it. Explain how it's hurting you. Really, it's your best bet.


School? Well. I'm behind. I just had to drop a class because I didn't do anything in it, and I'm like 2 months behind in my other classes. I'm freaking 16 and I haven't completed 9th grade. How sad is that? I honestly have no motivation to do schoolwork.
Oh, trust me, school sucks. But you know what? Even if you fail a year, at least you lived through it, right?
My best friend is also on my nerves. First off, he says to me all the time, that he'll text me and ask to hang out, and he never gets a hold of me. If I ask him to hang out, he is always "busy" or "his mom won't let him". It's honestly pissing me off.
Another thing is what he told me last Sunday at church. Basically, we knew this kid that went to youth before. Well, I guess the guy texted him and said that he's gay. My best friend goes on and says "How can you be a Christian and gay at the same time?" and stuff like that. Basically, if someone's /not straight/, he's not gonna even bother talking to them.
I've also heard this in the church. No surprise here, though. I mean, the pastor's always like "love the sinner, hate the sin", ya'know? But apparently, there's an asterisk. If you're not straight, well, we won't even give you an ounce of attention. Which just pisses me off, and honestly, I'm considering breaking ties with not only the church, but my friend and his family. Especially when I'm trying to find out what I am, those kinda comments just freaking stabbed me.

Religious extremists will always be like this, no changing them. Learn to ignore them.

I don't self harm or anything of the like. I'll be honest and think about suicide, but I could never act upon those actions. I just find it... idunno, calming, thinking different scenarios over in my head.

If it works for you, great. But don't take it too far.
It feels like I'm this fake person. In public, I'm always this happy-go-lucky guy who's always able to do stuff or help you out, but just feels so tired and run down on the inside. I just keep it all bottled up, I just keep thinking "It'll pass. Look at every other time. You get happier. For years this has been happening." But no. Every time I feel like I pick up, something knocks me over and drags me back.

I think a lot of members on VT feel like this. Even I do. It's about faking a smile, yeah? It's not worth it. It kills you. Just..tell someone.

I've already skipped youth group two times this month because I've felt like this. Now I'm even thinking about skipping out on another youth event (and more church in general) because of the way I've been feeling, and because of what my friend and the church in general is saying.

..So what?

I can't really go to a school counselor, seeing I'm homeschooled. Nor do we have the money to see a regular counselor. Heck, I don't have the balls to talk to anyone in real life. Sometimes, I just wonder what it would be like to start over... Move somewhere where no one knows who you are, no one knows what you've done to get there, anything like that.

Talk to your parents.

But yeah, what I'm trying to get to is... I'm tired of repressing everything, and I have literally nothing/no one to do anything about it with in the real world. If you've read it this far, you deserve some kind of reward. I really appreciate you all here online, but online help only does so much. I just don't know what to ask anymore.
Sorry for taking up so much space.

Sorry if this is dumb or unhelpful, I'm just really tired.
If you ever feel down, PM me. I'm here.

[Gandalf]

Brice, I think if I go through this one point at a time it would simplify things... I'll offer practical advice mainly, I know it doesn't go to the route of the cause but if you solve some of the "doable" things, you can think more carefully later about how to improve your life long term.

I know about your car accident, I never knew what to say about it really. I do recommend you keep on top of the physical injuries and make sure everything is ok. I definately think it would be worthwhile you speaking to your doctor about counselling, since you are under 18 you might be able to get it for free, and being homeschooled your city/state might even be obliged to offer it to you if you need it.

Your weight, your body is physically weak from the car accident, let yourself heal physically before worrying about this, I know it's easy for me to say, but if you could concentrate on the most practical solvable points first, then tackle the long term issue, I know there are defiantely possible associated issues like self esteem and confidence, perhaps a counsellor would help with this to. Speaking to your doctor is definately the way in, not that it will solve all your problems, but the helping hand...

Brice, I'm in the no talent club, it's hard when there isn't something close to home that's fulfilling, think of all the things you enjoy doing, want to do, write them down and think about which are achievable, which would need altering and you might strike gold.

With regard to school if you can do as much as possible try it will take time to get back on track, it's no problem to be 16 and doing 9th grade work, age is not in correlation to learning, you are clearly intelligant and will most probably be ok if you can figure out how to motivate yourself, I ask myself why you aren't motivated and what you could do to alter that.

I really can't comment on your family life, I don't know what pressures your parents are under, I think from just reading this that you have deep routed personal problems that perhaps were never dealt with, again speaking to your doctor would help and remember talking is often the best medicine. If your family offers a helping hand, as unexpected as it might be you need to take it while it's there.

Friends, humans as a species are jerks, it is really a judgement call in regard of what you choose to do, just don't let people mess you around. If you are unhappy I would recommend direct action, find out why the person is being difficult in arranging activities, they could have a reasonable explanation or not, but it's the reaction too. We've all experienced it, perhaps suggesting a different type of activity in case they are uncomfortable.

His narrow mindedness is probably from having a strict sheltered background, I don't think it's likely you'd be able to get through to him that his actions are affecting you, think carefully and just follow your gut instinct, I know you are smart enough to do that. People don't change their ways but the friendship may still be worth pursuing. Ignore the drawbacks of religion, I know this may sound disrespectful but you need to be happy while your living, it's not healthy to be constantly be in fear and anxious needlessly.

Skipping social activities, this will get better (he says when he has the same problem) a bitersweet catch 22, not feeling like being social, and then missing out on social situations which would help you long term... It goes on and on. These things can be overcome...

Feeling like a fake person, I'm genuinley sorry you feel like this, it's unfortunately common for us teenagers to feel like this, but you already knew that, I know it's only nice in intentions but I always try and recommend looking for the positive wherever it can be found, aviation, vt, every little helps, and we'll help you through this Brice.

Not having the confidence to get help, something many of us have, it's not a sign of admitting defeat, it's simply the key to unlock the new door and move on...

You know the limitations of the internet, but we are all here and will help wherever possible, if you need to talk to us feel free, the amount of things I've heard in my life has left me somewhat unshocked on a serious level of what does happen to people, even individuals, and that isn't just from being on here... Take your time, you are in control of this, and I want to say that you should feel proud you have avoided self harm, and you seem logical in your attitude to death which is quite spookily similar to mine, a healthy sense of danger. Hopefully I covered everything, if there is something I neglected to think about please let me know, and if you have any further response to what I say, but of course it's upto you what you share and do, If this has been of any help to you at all I'll be glad. :hug:

[Navi]

Sorry it's taken me a few days to reply, but - Blake, Ben - Thank you for helping out. Any suggestions you guys give is better than getting nothing at all.

Forgive me if the rest doesn't make sense, it's rather late, but - Honestly, I have no motivation to do anything. I try to do something good and I get knocked back. It's so discouraging that it always happens. There is literally no one I want to bring any of this up with in the real world, simply because I don't know who has the time and/or my ability to trust them. I know that you guys are always here, and I appreciate it, but I've been asking for too much out of almost everyone I know.

Anyways, sorry if this doesn't make sense. I just honestly don't know anymore, I'm just ready to curl into the fetal position and whatever happens happens.