So Damn Confused

[Underground_Network]

I just keep getting pissed off and depressed for no reasons. I keep thinking my life sucks, even though its getting better. I have no goals right now, I feel I have no future, so I'm not even trying. Just as my life was starting to work out, its begun to fall apart again. All my new "friends" have just been using me, and I think I have a total of about one true friends right now. I can't handle this anymore. I'm too fucking shy. I already have a plan set in motion to pull a prank with two of my friends on Halloween just after the school day ends in an attempt to get noticed, but there are two possible negative outcomes (in a sense). One; if it goes wrong it could just be worthless and my friend could've wasted a lot of money on something; even if it goes right, we could get suspended. I kind of want to get suspended. It seems the only way to get noticed in my school is to be bad or athletic. And I'm too lazy to work out (I spent the entire summer working out, but I just don't have enough time during the school year to work out...:/), so now the only way I know to get noticed is to get in trouble, b/c you're either a skater, a jock, or a nerd in my town. And I don't skate very well, I'm definitely not a jock, but I'm not really considered a nerd either. I'm just an outcast, and so our my three closest friends. I'm starting to work my way up (I've become friendly, but not exactly friends with some people who are pretty popular), but I'm just worried I'm going to crack before I get the chance to pull my life back together. My shyness is hindering my ability to rebuild my life, and I've been really suicidal/emotional lately. I just don't know what to do, I don't think I'm patient enough to wait for life to come back together. I think in the end I'm going to hurt someone else, myself, or both. :/ I'm going to change my hair, my clothes, and possibly even my personality, and see what the reaction is on Monday; I'm praying for the best. :/ I've been training myself to be apathetic as well (I don't feel sympathy any more; seriously) I'm worried, I don't like changing myself, I don't even know who the real me is. I guess I'm just a friendless, soulless asshole. I seriously have no reason to live. The only reason I haven't killed myself is because my mom has explained how bad it would make her feel. I made a vow to her when I was 7; the vow went like this: The day you die, I will kill myself.

[ctw4451]

You're in puberty. Hey, I don't know who I am anymore, and my life is falling into pieces. You have to be positive. It happens, it happens. It is what it is, popularity doesn't matter. Think about it and realize it, it REALLY doesn't. In 100 years, it won't matter that you did the prank. It won't matter that you only had three best friends.

If you want more friends, try being nice and friendly. Try, it might work. You have plenty reasons to live. Your family, your friends. You could be the one to change the world, realize it or not. You could be the one to find the cure for cancer or AIDs. You never know.

Everything you do in life has a consequence, and I hope this paragraph helps you.

[Underground_Network]

I am nice and friendly. You don't understand. I'm probably the nicest fucking person in my school. Girls appreciate that, but they overlook that, b/c I'm strange. I'm different, people don't understand that. The real me is unknown even to myself. I don't know anything anymore. I'm worthless. And this has nothing to do with puberty, its not hormones that are causing these feelings, its just my fucking head messing with me. I guess it could be hormones, but it really has nothing to do with being in puberty, this could follow me past puberty. I don't like getting emotional at random points. Its gotten me suspended in the past and gotten me sent to a psychiatrist (when I've gotten so pissed that I reach a breaking point and hurt someone or myself).

[ctw4451]

If you're getting help, it should be helping you. It shouldn't be getting you to the point where you can harm anyone including yourself. To get help from a psychiatrist, you have to let your guard down. You have to let them help you. If you don't belong, and you're unaware of who you are, you need to take time off and just think and relax. Think about what you want, think about what you like, and think about what you need.

[Underground_Network]

My family isn't exactly financially savvy. My mom couldn't afford the psychiatrist, I haven't gone there for about a year. And I have no clue how to discover the real me. The last time I acted like myself was the last day I saw my best friend before he left my life forever. I miss him so damn much. I've never recovered since he left. I'm just LFD (left for dead). I'm roadkill. My life was torn apart so long ago, I probably should've died from that suicide attempt in 7th grade.. I'm starting to wish I did.. :/

[ctw4451]

Suicide is never the answer. Suicide is the opposite. You need to try to get your life again. Make an attempt to find out what you want, and what you need. Try going to a school counselor. You might say they don't help but, in my opinion they do. Let your guard down, and listen to what they have to say.

[thesphinx]

I'm really sorry your feeling like this underground, I know what you mean about not knowing who you are. I have felt the same way it just baffles me, who am I? my best friend moved away 2 years ago. and it just killed me to this day. I guess eventually I realized that all the stuff that was happening to me is making me who I am. I know what it feels like to be at the point of suicide, and because of all this I am very compassionate about people and how they feel, and I wouldn't be me if this hadn't of happened. Being the "bad" kid wont get you anywhere, because what about when you get out of high school? then what I bet you wont know hardly any of the kids you went to school with. so whats the point? sure you may be noticed for the time. but after that than what? True friends are hard to come by and its really a trial and error process until you find the true friends. most kids don't find there true friends in high school. because your still changing and you really don't know too much about yourself, which brings up my other point these experiences make who you are. Try talking to a counselor like CTW said. breaking the ice with a counselor can suck. but once you get comfortable with them you can really get to the root of why you are feeling like this. when I did this I found out a lot of habits I had of putting my self down and thinking irrational thoughts that really didn't make any sense, and once I figured this out out I could stop them and get them under control. but anyway sorry for writing such a long post, I guess its just because I can relate to this. I would really like to talk to you sometime if you want.
Thesphinx