Personality Change

[Fiction]

I think now is probably the right time to make a post about this. It's getting worse and it's been a year since it happened.

A year ago I ended up hospitalised after trying to kill myself. The weeks leading up to it had been the worst of my life. I was in a relationship that pretty much reduced my self-esteem to 0, and was extremely controlling. I'd possibly go as far as to say abusive, but i'm not sure. It was most definitely manipulating. I was left crying almost every night for several hours convincing myself I was completely worthless. I have never felt so low about myself in my life.

Ever since then i'm a different person. At first I thought it might be a phase, but it's been a year and i'm only getting worse. I don't have anyone making me feel bad about myself anymore, in fact I have the opposite, now I just have reason to dislike myself.

I'm angry all the time. Whereas before all I wanted to do was be nice to people, and to help people. I had almost no capacity for anger. I wouldn't tell someone if they where annoying me, or if I thought they'd done something wrong to me, I just left it. Now I over-react to the slightest thing. I conciously know that it's probably stupid, but I feel completely betrayed at the slightest thing. I'll have a go at my boyfriend purely because a girl from work posted on his wall. I know that's controlling and horrible but I feel so betrayed and down when it happens, I can't seem to help it. It's not just too my boyfriend, i've become so much more outspoken against other people if I feel that they're doing something wrong. Although in some ways that's a good thing, when it's too extreme it's not.

Sometimes I get the urge to start arguments for no reason, I used to avoid them at all costs. I'll stir things up and delibrately try to provoke people, but it's not even like I enjoy the arguement when it gets going, it upsets me so I don't know why I do it. I don't even do it conciously. Sometimes i'll start arguements to be manipulative. I don't mean too. I really don't. But I do. I know what i'm doing but it's almost like a compulsion. I have to do it. I never used to do that before. Never.

I'm also really irritable. I get overly agressive over the slightest things (so i've been told). I don't really notice this but it's caused problems with my boyfriend and my mum's also said it too.

I also get urges to hurt people. Usually my boyfriend. I get urges to hurt him and a few weeks ago when drunk I apparently hit him and made him bleed. I have no recollection of this but I don't think he's lying, and it would be consistent with my urges.

I don't understand why i'm such an angry person. I feel like a completely different person to who I was, and I really hate who I am now. I'm not a nice person and I just don't know what to do. I feel like i'm different to other people now. Before I was just depressed, now I feel like my mind is just wrong. I'm so angry at everyone all the time I just don't know :/

[Disintegration]

Well, as your boyfriend, i have to say you really are a beautiful person and you're really not as bad as you think.

Seems as though we've been together for a year and we spend more tim together than we do part I do see the things you've said regularly but they're not apparent to that extent all the time. We've spoke about this a lot and you know that i think you should get proper help so that you can get an official diagnosis. personally I'd say that BPD fits what your like or you have strong tendencies but obviously neither of us are experts even though you like to think you are ;P

Forever Yours

[Texas warrior]

I think that your boy friend rubbed of on you. I think you were around him so long you became like him.

[workingatperfect]

Traumatic experiences like an abusive relationship can have that affect on people, especially that kind of damage to your self esteem. You're mad at him for doing it, maybe deep down you're mad at yourself or someone else for letting it happen, and you take that anger out on other people. It's entirely normal for someone in your situation, especially since it's only been a year. I strongly suggest therapy to help you work through any leftover problems from that relationship.

I went through a period of being incredibly depressed where I was basically doing all the same things you were. Starting fights just because, even though in my head I'm yelling at myself to shut up. Being mad at everyone and anyone. Wanting to hurt the people closest to you for no reason. It gets really tiring and annoying and it wears on you a lot. It's pretty shitty. If you don't want to try therapy, find someone you really really trust and talk to them. Like, really talk to them, get out all the emotions you haven't even acknowledged. That's what I did. I had something I'd been carrying around for the last couple years and it got to the point where you were and I finally told someone and after that the anger started to slip away. It still flares up here and there, and I still do the argument thing a lot, though to a lesser degree, but it's gotten better since I faced myself.