Seems silly but...

[Fiction]

Well it was a year yesterday since my last overdose. It was a year today that I woke up throwing up everywhere, and was taken to hospital. It wasn't the first time i'd been taken to hospital after overdosing. The first time was 7th of February 2011, but the second time was worse, I think. I don't know actually. They where both different, and people had different reactions, and I was in different situations and different things triggered me to do it.

I know i'm rambling a lot but please bare with me :(

It feels like yesterday, but at the same time it feels like forever ago. The things that happened to make me do it, and I suppose the memories of the overdose it's self still play a huge part in my life. I changed after it. I remember thinking as well that now this was my second time, a third time was inevitable. I just sort of completely lost hope for a while. Since then i've got a lot better, and actually since that overdose i've only overdosed once whereas before it was something I did regularly I suppose as a form of self-harm.

I don't really know what i'm posting about but it's just making me feel down and like I genuinely do just want to sleep all through today and miss it out. I'm a lot better than I was back then, in every respect, but I still don't trust in the fact that I will never end up back to that. I still think it's inevitable that that time wasn't my last. Maybe i'm just being lucky and experiencing a break? This time last year was the worst time of my life, and the fact that it's a year on just makes me feel odd. I didn't think i'd still be alive now and here I am, with so much going for me. It's just odd how so much can change in a year. Even though so much has changed the memories of it and the thoughts of it happening again terrify me.

[MrVanity]

Hey kathy
Rambling is a good thing, at least on this board.
I know how you feel
I guess our brains just can't comprehend that things are getting better. (correct me if i'm making completely wrong assumptions.)
Are you gonna be ok.

[Mortal Coil]

Hey Kath, I just want you to know that your fear... it sucks, it's horrid, but it's a good thing. It's good that you're scared of it recurring because it means that you're consciously and subconsciously healing. You've regained your will to carry on. And one year is just incredible. I'm proud of you.

The way I see this - and correct me if I'm wrong - this is similar to the anniversary of an abusive incident. Only your depression is the abuser. These are always going to be stressful but they also come with a sense of liberation.
Because every anniversary is another period of time where you have survived and grown past that. 365 days, countless moments of joy, friends made, movies seen. It's more distance, both in a temporal sense and an emotional sense.

[Fiction]

Hey Kath, I just want you to know that your fear... it sucks, it's horrid, but it's a good thing. It's good that you're scared of it recurring because it means that you're consciously and subconsciously healing. You've regained your will to carry on. And one year is just incredible. I'm proud of you.

I see what you're saying but when I was younger I always used to think I was much more scared of surviving a suicide attempt than surviving one. After my first attempt I said i'd rather die than let it happen again and I suppose the same is still true. I'm not as scared of dying as I am of letting what happened happen again. I have regained my will to carry on (most of the time), but I think i'm only scared of it because I do think, however far in the future it is, it will happen again.

The way I see this - and correct me if I'm wrong - this is similar to the anniversary of an abusive incident. Only your depression is the abuser. These are always going to be stressful but they also come with a sense of liberation.
Because every anniversary is another period of time where you have survived and grown past that. 365 days, countless moments of joy, friends made, movies seen. It's more distance, both in a temporal sense and an emotional sense.

That's a nice way of looking at it, but it's just difficult to see it so positively. I don't really feel any liberation though. I suppose- and now it's your time to correct me if i'm wrong- but an abusive incident, there's no comfort there. When you've been depressed for so long it can feel difficult to move out of it, and it can feel uncomfortable to move out of it, and sometimes I regret the fact that I seem "better". I want to be depressed, suicidal and self destructive, where I feel comfortable. But of course, I don't really want that I just felt comfortable there and I miss it, sort of, but I don't. I don't know what I mean :/

Thank you for your reply though :) And MrVanity :)

[Mortal Coil]

I suppose- and now it's your time to correct me if i'm wrong- but an abusive incident, there's no comfort there.
You're right, to an extent. Anniversaries of abusive incidents bring back flashbacks and make whatever post-traumatic stress one may have, a lot worse. However, once it's over it gives a feeling similar to stepping off a treadmill. Like, without the added stress, continuing normally is a lot easier.

When you've been depressed for so long it can feel difficult to move out of it, and it can feel uncomfortable to move out of it, and sometimes I regret the fact that I seem "better". I want to be depressed, suicidal and self destructive, where I feel comfortable. But of course, I don't really want that I just felt comfortable there and I miss it, sort of, but I don't. I don't know what I mean :/
I know what you mean. Your sickness begins to feel like home. But you know you can't go back to that home, because you might never leave.