This is about SH, but also about a boyfriend.. advice? i'm so lost..

[Rylezarr]

Hey everyone... I'm new here. :)
I hope i can help everyone out here with some advice, i've read these forums for years just to not feel so alone but i've finally made an account and i really want to help people here, i was on Gaia but people are just mean. so here i am.

Now for my issue, which i would love some help with... (may have some triggers not sure though)

BACKGROUND: I've had a serious problem with self harm, primarily cutting, for maybe 3 years, i'm still in highschool. it started out as little scratches, and then i started using razors, and in December of 2011, i cut myself open... and i could feel my heartbeat through the cloth i pressed against the wound... my boyfriend's mom, luckily, is a doctor, and he told her i had cut my leg on a side table, even though it was in fact my wrist and i'd done it to myself... I was terrified, but she gave him some sticker stitches that would eventually desolve into the wound without it opening up, so that was helpful...anyway, after that incident i swore i was done.. and i was... over a year clean.

But then my boyfriend of a year had... found a new girl... and broke my heart... we got back together after a few months and he proposed to me last month... we've never been happier.. but i started it up again... he'd thrown away all my razors so i'd been using haircutting scissors and stuff like that... and only a few cuts once every month or two- it really wasn't a problem anymore.

ISSUE: a few weeks ago, my boyfriend was being... controlling, and it hurt the way he had been acting, the fight was purely over texting and the phone and anyway one thing lead to another and i started thinking abou the girls... all the girls he used to flirt up on... (He's 100% faithful now just in the first few months there was some problems) but anyway, i'd almost forgiven him, it's not a grudge, it's real pain, and i'm not asking you to judge me on that part.

anyway, i slipped, so that i would stop saying things like "you hurt me so bad! how could you do that to me? we were so happy!", so i cut so that i would stop being so upset and he would stop yelling at me for being upset.

the next day he came over and, stupid me, i let my sleeve slip down... and he saw it.

He yelled at me... he smacked my cuts over and over again... he twisted my arm... he threw me to the ground... he hurt me. He has a history of being violent sometimes and losing his temper toward me...

anyway... i've slipped again... and i can't just avoid him.. i miss him, i want to see him... and in the chance that he sees... what do i do... what can i say...

EXTRA INFORMATION: he's cut himself before so he understands... and he's apologized so many times i shouldn't still be mad at him for what he used to do, he's been supportive but i've exaughsted the topic by now...

Also, i will never leave him... i love him. he's mentally, emotionally, physically, and morally synced with me.

I just... need to know how to deal with this.. stop... i dpn't know what to do.. i recently quit smoking and.. that used to be what helped me cope... but idk.. i just need someone to talk to i guess... thanks for whoever replies and i'm sorry this was so long...

[Lost in the Echo]

I think you need to try to find better ways of dealing with problems in your life.
There will always be problems, life isn't perfect, but you need to find better ways of dealing with your issues.

I suggest you talk to your boyfriend, or anybody else you feel comfortable talking to about your problems, anytime you're feeling depressed, or having issues.
I've noticed that whenever I talk to somebody about my problems, it helps get it off my conscience, and makes me feel way better, and less depressed/stressed.

So yeah, anytime you're having problems, talk to somebody about it. That should help.

[Desuetude]

Instead of him making you feel disappointed with yourself when you relapse why don't you ask him to encourage you, with you both working together to support you I'm sure it would be a lot easier than you always be scared about him finding out. The relationship should be a safety net, you shouldn't have to hide anything from him and if you do, then that's not right.

When you feel like cutting talk to him, tell him how you're feeling and why you have that urge. There are other things you can do as alternatives or to distract yourself until the urge fades, a couple are: writing it down, taking a shower, exercise, scream into/kick a pillow, tear up paper, listen to music, read a book. Anything you enjoy doing could help to just let the urge pass. Basically it's just a case of you finding a way that gives you some of the release that cutting does.

Another thing that might help if you haven't heard of it is the butterfly project or the paper chain project. In butterfly project you draw butterflies on the places of your body you usually self harm and name them after people you love and care about. The point is when you get the urge the to cut you see them and don't 'kill' them by cutting them. The paper chain project is, again, good motivation to stop self harming. You start a paper chain and for every day you go without cutting you add a coloured, decorated strip of paper. For every day you relapse you add a plain white bit of paper. If you hang the paper chain up somewhere you can see it then when you start to get the urge you can see how far you've come and think, is it really worth it?

If you do need someone to just talk to and get things off your chest I'd be more than happy for you to contact me. Stay safe, you can beat this.