I'm thinking of having a relationship with an older guy?

[Aceso]

Sooo, I'm in a bit of a difficult situation here, just came for some opinions haha.
I regularly lift weights at the gym, and naturally that's mostly male-orientated, and being 15 there aren't really many guys my age. I regularly make friends there and about 5 months ago I met a really sweet, normal guy that I sometimes train with. He lives about an hour away but we exchanged numbers, facebooks etc. and have talked pretty much 24/7 since.

I'm in the process of moving on from a long term unrequited love, so not really been looking for a relationship, and until a month or two ago I only considered him a good friend. Around this time he confessed that he had some feelings for me, and that got me thinking quite a lot, and I realised that I did feel a connection with him, which has since been growing. I wouldn't yet call it love, however I do feel that there could possibly be something there and if I gave it a chance these feelings would grow.

Now, here's the catch. I've always been mature for my age, and this have generally gotten along better with people a few years older than me. I'm 15, and my parents are used to me hanging out/occasionally dating guys two or three years older than me. I don't feel comfortable saying his age, but he is older than this and I'm aware that this could be judged or frowned upon from people if they knew about the gap, however physically, I could pull off looking 17ish and he could look around 18/19 so it's not like we'd get funny looks from anyone if they didn't know. I think my parents would be okay with me hanging out with him, but I'm not sure how they'd feel with me dating him until I was 16 (Age of consent here is 16. I don't intend to have sex beforehand as I realise that there are risks involved if someone found out, particularly for him.) but I'm fairly sure they'd get along with him well once they spent a bit more time together.

So after some careful thought I narrowed it down to a few options. I could keep it to how it is now, though we both want to move forward in some way and I want to get to know him better. My best idea on this would be to date him casually until I'm 16 and not commit so he could see other girls if he wanted to, though he's already said he's not interested in finding anyone else right now, and the same for me. This is most likely what I can imagine happening, and it suits me as I'm still moving on from my last love interest, which has apparently ended disastrously and he understands this. Once I'm 16 I'm in half minds about committing seriously. I like the idea of a casual relationship with him because it still give us freedom, which I imagine will be useful considering the age difference, and it would still strengthen us as friends, without having to worry about the judgement of everyone else. By all means I'd probably take it to the next level by then, but considering he'll have moved into his college dorms by then I understand his needs and interests may well have shifted. On the other hand, I really do think that the more time I spend with him the more feelings I'll develop for him and by this time I'd be ready to commit. I think he's more into the relationship thing, and it would thus mean that we had each other exclusively, and honestly the idea of that kind of support and stability is comforting. I already trust him with a lot and I see this as a big window of opportunity to take it to the next step and really strengthen our bond.

So that's all there is to it really. I'm just looking for opinions on how to handle the situation so it's as easy/safe for us as possible, I don't want things to become complicated and I'm just really looking for advice :) Many thanks.

[AkuRokuStalker]

Just follow your heart and do whatever makes you happy

[FreeFall]

Keep it as it is. If you two are so into each other as you claim, then there's no issue waiting some years no?
You only act mature for your age. You're 15. You're not special from any other 15 year old.

Your mind looks like this (--_-__-__----____-______-)
Your brain is growing and developing along with your body. Your mind has to fill int he gaps which will only happen with age. Those gaps are your emotional maturity, mental maturity, psychological maturity and growth, decision making, and information retaining gaps. Unless your mind is mutated and has grown to that of a 21 year old's, you're still just a 15 year old girl with a better taste of older age things.

You won't say his age, it makes you uncomfortable (which by the way is a big read warning flag. You're so into him but not as much as you claim if you're not even comfortable in stating his age.) So I'm assuming he's like 28 or 30.
His mind is this (----------_-----_---_).
It's is far more developed than your's, unless there's an issue or two with him, and since males are shown to develop at a slower rate than females, that says something. An age gap is not just a number, it's many gaps in the mind and emotional rates.
That's why adults can date adults that are like 20 years older than them, their minds are done growing and developing and they are pretty much set at who they are, they will change so much slower than teenagers are prone to. Think changing every 10-20 years where a teen can change in a few months.

Besides this, if he's so much older than you yet suitable for a 15 year old, will he still be suitable for a 15 year old when you turn 40 or will he have continued to develop?
Do what you will, you clearly seem to have thought it all over.

[Lost in the Echo]

Do whatever makes you happy. It doesn't sound like he's really old, since you said something about him moving into a college dorm room.

It would really help, if you let us know his age, but that's your decision to keep that private, and i'll respect that.

But yeah, do whatever makes you happy. I recommend you don't rush anything though.
Get to know this guy better, before you guys go any further.

[Aceso]

Keep it as it is. If you two are so into each other as you claim, then there's no issue waiting some years no?
You only act mature for your age. You're 15. You're not special from any other 15 year old.

Your mind looks like this (--_-__-__----____-______-)
Your brain is growing and developing along with your body. Your mind has to fill int he gaps which will only happen with age. Those gaps are your emotional maturity, mental maturity, psychological maturity and growth, decision making, and information retaining gaps. Unless your mind is mutated and has grown to that of a 21 year old's, you're still just a 15 year old girl with a better taste of older age things.

You won't say his age, it makes you uncomfortable (which by the way is a big read warning flag. You're so into him but not as much as you claim if you're not even comfortable in stating his age.) So I'm assuming he's like 28 or 30.
His mind is this (----------_-----_---_).
It's is far more developed than your's, unless there's an issue or two with him, and since males are shown to develop at a slower rate than females, that says something. An age gap is not just a number, it's many gaps in the mind and emotional rates.
That's why adults can date adults that are like 20 years older than them, their minds are done growing and developing and they are pretty much set at who they are, they will change so much slower than teenagers are prone to. Think changing every 10-20 years where a teen can change in a few months.

Besides this, if he's so much older than you yet suitable for a 15 year old, will he still be suitable for a 15 year old when you turn 40 or will he have continued to develop?
Do what you will, you clearly seem to have thought it all over.
Thanks for the info, this has all crossed my mind, but I see this as an interesting oppertunity as he just seems so genuine.
I didn't mean to imply that I was special in anyway, maturity wise I meant that we had a very similar outlook and think very similarly, thought I would say the way I handle certain situations and act would hopefully be more sophisticated than the majority of fifteen year olds I know.

The next part irritates me slightly as I've already said - I have some feelings for him yes, however I'm not head-over-heels follow him around like a puppy in love. It's a mutual attraction which I could see as a good base core for a potential relationship, I thought I'd been clear with that. I don't feel comfortable saying his age simply because I'm aware of what people would think if I did, but if you must know he is six years older than me.

I understand that there are potentially so many issues and complications involved in a slightly complex situation like this, but as I've said before - right now I only want to dip the toe in the water, not dive in headfirst.

Do whatever makes you happy. It doesn't sound like he's really old, since you said something about him moving into a college dorm room.
It would really help, if you let us know his age, but that's your decision to keep that private, and i'll respect that.
But yeah, do whatever makes you happy. I recommend you don't rush anything though.
Get to know this guy better, before you guys go any further.

See above post :)
I'm not going to rush anything at all haha, we're hanging out next week other than gym, so should be nice. I don't intend to go any further than that yet.

[FreeFall]

Thanks for the info, this has all crossed my mind, but I see this as an interesting oppertunity as he just seems so genuine.
Seems? You don't sound 100% certain, so staying as you are and getting to really know him and yourself better sounds like the safer route in terms of mentality and emotional connections.

I didn't mean to imply that I was special in anyway, maturity wise I meant that we had a very similar outlook and think very similarly, thought I would say the way I handle certain situations and act would hopefully be more sophisticated than the majority of fifteen year olds I know.

So far you seem to be proving it. I tend to catch the maturity card the minute someone throws it. To me it is the same thing as the crazy person trying very hard to convince people they aren't crazy, by telling them they aren't crazy. It's a natural thing that comes at different ages, doesn't matter too much, not a big highlight of life in my opinion. That's the only reason I grabbed it.
The next part irritates me slightly as I've already said - I have some feelings for him yes, however I'm not head-over-heels follow him around like a puppy in love. It's a mutual attraction which I could see as a good base core for a potential relationship, I thought I'd been clear with that.
Where...did I imply you were a love struck puppy? I said this;

"If you two are so into each other as you claim..." meaning into, in click, in sync. And you support that by saying "we had a very similar outlook and think very similarly".

And again I say "You're so into him", as in sync, in tune, in the same out look on life.

My use of into was emotional, mental synchronization and similarities. Not that you two were star crossed lovers and you were chasing at his heels.
I don't feel comfortable saying his age simply because I'm aware of what people would think if I did, but if you must know he is six years older than me.
Yes. It actually helps me in forming advice/opinions.

21. That's not too far of a gap. See, I was shooting for 28 or 30. Had you said 21 from the get go, I would've put more gaps in his brain, he probably is suitable for a 15 year old girl with a better frontal lobe development. A six years gap isn't as large as 10, less risk, less potential damage than a 10 year gap.

I understand that there are potentially so many issues and complications involved in a slightly complex situation like this, but as I've said before - right now I only want to dip the toe in the water, not dive in headfirst.

Then keep doing what you're doing (:


See above post :)
I'm not going to rush anything at all haha, we're hanging out next week other than gym, so should be nice. I don't intend to go any further than that yet.[/QUOTE]

[Aceso]

Seems? You don't sound 100% certain, so staying as you are and getting to really know him and yourself better sounds like the safer route in terms of mentality and emotional connections.
I agree, neither of us are going anywhere any time soon so it'll give us a chance to just really learn about eachother, what we enjoy, dislike etc.
Like I said, he's an hour away from me and I haven't been physically on top form + the snow the past couple of weeks so haven't had chance to see him which is a shame, but I guess it's just to take it all one stride at a time.

So far you seem to be proving it. I tend to catch the maturity card the minute someone throws it. To me it is the same thing as the crazy person trying very hard to convince people they aren't crazy, by telling them they aren't crazy. It's a natural thing that comes at different ages, doesn't matter too much, not a big highlight of life in my opinion. That's the only reason I grabbed it.
I usually dislike saying I am something, or I can do this that and the other. There are many things I'm not, but I AM mature, and I always have been. I think I brought it up because I was aware of the age gap, but was trying to highlight the fact that mentally we aren't too far apart, that's all :)

Where...did I imply you were a love struck puppy? I said this;
"If you two are so into each other as you claim..." meaning into, in click, in sync. And you support that by saying "we had a very similar outlook and think very similarly".
And again I say "You're so into him", as in sync, in tune, in the same out look on life.
My use of into was emotional, mental synchronization and similarities. Not that you two were star crossed lovers and you were chasing at his heels.

It was the implication that I didn't like, sorry. To me, when one says "you're so into him" it means that you're really obsessed with him, though that may have just been how I've come to know that phrase. I understand what you mean now, so to re-answer that earlier - it's very taboo around here to even consider dating someone two years older than you, three at a push. So a six year gap would immediately send alarm bells and red lights flashing in every direction. I've certainly never come across a situation like this for anyone else before, which is why I was concerned about posting his age, I didn't really want people telling me that it was a stupid, crazy thing to do and it must not happen etc. etc. :)


21. That's not too far of a gap. See, I was shooting for 28 or 30. Had you said 21 from the get go, I would've put more gaps in his brain, he probably is suitable for a 15 year old girl with a better frontal lobe development. A six years gap isn't as large as 10, less risk, less potential damage than a 10 year gap.
Haha thanks, when I posted it I was expecting at least one person to tut-tut and tell me it was ridiculous. I understand 15-21 is hard because there is not a huge range of activities that interest us both - he likes to drink/party with friends, I can't do that yet. So hence why I thought theoretically a more casual thing would suit us better - gives him his freedom, not tied down to me or feel the need to change his activities much around me. :)

[dingo006]

When i was 15/16 i dated a girl who was in college (19). she was a bit immature and i was probably quite mature for my age (i was smart, well read and a bit of a flirt) and my mother hated her. it caused serious friction with my parents and myself. Eventually we broke up because honestly it was moving WAY too fast than i was comfortable with.

If you do decide to date him, just remember you both might be looking for different things in a relationship.

[Aceso]

When i was 15/16 i dated a girl who was in college (19). she was a bit immature and i was probably quite mature for my age (i was smart, well read and a bit of a flirt) and my mother hated her. it caused serious friction with my parents and myself. Eventually we broke up because honestly it was moving WAY too fast than i was comfortable with.

If you do decide to date him, just remember you both might be looking for different things in a relationship.

I completely agree. I've already covered as many situations as I can think of in my mind - my parents vaguely know who he is, and that I am friends with him and he is a little older than me. They're also okay with me dating people a couple of years older, though as I've already said six years is a bit of a step, so if we do start something in the future it may take a while for them to get their head around it. However they've always supported me and understood that I'm sensible with my decisions, and that they are my own.
Again, I've thought about our needs and differences with this whole thing and I can see how potentially it would be harder than what I'm used to - but if we didn't enter anything serious until I was older and more independent I don't see how it should affect us.

I discussed all this with him yesterday and we both agreed that it would be best to hang out a bit more and see how to move forward from there, and cross bridges when we come to it. We seemed to have similar opinions and thoughts on the situation so I'm excited to see where this will take us.