I Just Don't Know Anymore

[galacticlullaby]

I've expected depression for a while. I guess I've kinda known I was depressed since it started back in May or so. It didn't really get noticeable until recently when I started sleeping all of the time, everything always hurts, I no longer have the energy to go to school almost ever, I started skipping all of my after school activities, and I've lost a dramatic amount of weight since September; enough that the teachers and school counselor have noticed, and they don't have time to pay attention to anyone. But now that they know, and they have reassured me that my hunch was right, I don't want to believe it.
Yesterday I had a meeting with the counselor, not by choice, and she told me she was calling home right then and there. I freaked out and bargained with her until she promised not to call yet. I don't really know why it freaks me out so much that she was going to call, I guess maybe because I'm afraid to admit I have a problem and I need help.
What really rubs me the wrong way though is the fact that she thought I was going to kill myself. She honestly thought I was suicidal. She made me promise I wasn't going to overdose or anything in the next couple of days before she calls home. I told her that was ridiculous and I could never do that. But it scared me because it was like she read my mind, in a way. I've been suicidal. A lot. And I can't tell anyone. It would hurt the people who love me so much. But sometimes, I swear it's the only escape.
I just don't know what to do anymore, or what to say. I have two exams coming up and I just want to forget it all and go sleep somewhere. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next couple of days. Normally it's hard, but now it's just ten times worse. I don't want to die, I just really need a way to escape all of this.
Rant over. :(

[Marcus_Stockley]

Let it all out to everyone. I know you said you don't like admitting it, but doing so will make you feel better. To me it seems as though you're balling up all of these emotions inside of you and one of the best things to do in your situation is to let it all out. Tell your parents, tell your friends. Let them know how you feel so they can help you. I had depression about a year ago. I kept it a secret from everyone and I only told my friends about it in september. They've been helping me through this and I'm still suffering from depression, but it's not so bad with their aid. Suicide is never the right way to go. Your profile says you're 14, and that means you've not even experienced a quarter of your life. Think of your situation as a speed bump and once you crossed that, it gets better. So just express how you feel to friends and family and try to get through this speed bump in life. I wish you good luck and I hope my comment helped.