Introduction

[Erin]

Hi guys ! I'm French and new on this website.

I've been suffering from eating disorders for now 3 years, more or less. I sarted with anorexia and lost 10kgs (22lbs) in a few months then I came into bulimia, first without purging, which made me put on 16kgs (35lbs) in less than a year. Then I started purging because I thought I would never stopped being fat. These last months my weight has stabilized but this weight gain was very hard to handle, especially because of the comments of the people around me.

I told some friends about my EDs. Two of them seem to ignore them, I think they don't understand and don't know how serious and dangerous it is and I guess they think I'm done with it because I always do my best to look happy and mentally fine. An other friend is more involved and regularly asks me if I binged recently or things like that. I always lie to her because I don't want to disappoint her and binging makes me feel guilty. And I know that if I tell her the truth she will get worry and try to help me which will make me be forced to talk about the EDs and my life and I don't like it.

Last year, following her advice, I went to a psychologist but it didn't help at all. She was asking questions about me and my life and I was crying because I'm very sensitive when it comes to personal stuff. I felt like it was useless so I stopped seeing her.

So to make it short, I'm still binging and purging (but less than what it used to be) and I sometimes cut myself. My mother is depressive, my father is focused on his girlfriend and, they've never been good caring parents. We've never been close and I don't trust them so I would never confide in them.

I'm quite alone and kind of psychologically unstable, I just needed to talk.

[Fiction]

First of all, Welcome to VT.

How long exactly where you at the psychologist? Because the thing with any form of talking therapy is that they take time. It sounds to me as though your issue is in having no one to talk about this problem, so you probably won't like this suggestion, but how about going back to your psychologist and trying again? Or, if you really do think that the psychologist was terrible, then try a different psychologist. I'm terrible with talking to people about stuff too. I can't look people in the eye when i'm talking about those type of things and I end up deciding half way through my sentence that I don't want to say what I was going to, so I understand how you feel. When I was with my counsellor I did find it easier to talk to them than the people around me and my life, although I still wasn't completely truthful with them, so I understand.

In the end I made huge improvements with my eating disorder by myself. The thing I found was that once I was happy, once my depressive symptoms settled down, so did my eating disorder. You said that you don't do it as much as you used to, and that's a good start. Try doing things that make you happy, and when you're feeling alone or particularly emotional, write it down. That helped for me. Especially because binging, purging and cutting are all impulsive behaviours that people often use to try and alleviate their emotions. So try other ways to alieviate them, such as writing.

[Erin]

Thank you for replying.

I had something like 3 or 4 sessions at the psychologist...I know it's not a lot. But the thing is that I'm 17 and I can't go to a psychologist without my parents agreement, meaning that I'd have to tell them. I managed to see this one thanks to a psychological consultation centre where it was free and I didn't have to bring my parents with me. But the psychologist wanted me to make them come because she said my problems were mostly coming from my parents and they would help me to solve them. She also said that at her scale she coudn't help me that much and that I needed a psychiatrist to start a behavioural therapy. Actually, I'm waiting to turn 18 to be able to do what I want to do by myself and leave my parents out of here. I'll try to find a good psychiatrist and to recover.
I don't know why I'm refusing so adamantly to tell them I'm not good or I would need help... I've never talked to them about anything, I always pretend I'm strong and nothing affects me. I don't trust them, in my opinion they don't deserve to know about my life.

As to the things I should do instead of binging, I sometimes write but it happens that it is just not enough. Moreover, it is very hard to express myself, even by writing. I never know what to start with, I don't even know what I'm fighting against. Nothing is clear in my mind.

[Fiction]

I completely understand not wanting to tell your parents things, i'm exactly the same. When I went to the doctor with my eating disorder, she rang my parents to tell them and it was a horrible experience, so I completely emphasise.

How long until you're 18? It's my plan to look for someone to help me when i'm 18 as well for the same reasons as you. I guess we just have to hold on until then. If you can't write about it then try distraction techniques. This can literally be anything. Playing games, talking to someone, listening to music. Anything. I know how difficult it is, but at the end of the day even with a psychiatrists help, they can only help you to make yourself better. You have to do the work yourself.

[Erin]

3 months before I turn 18, not that much :)
I'll do my best to avoid binges and work on myself. But the thing is when I don't binge I've got this anorexic voice that tells me "you should be on a diet, you're too fat, you need to lose weight". It's like it's all or nothing. I manage to eat properly when I'm surrounded by people because I eat the same quantities as them so I'm sure I won't put on weight or overeat. When I find myself alone, it's very hard to strike a balance.
Thank you for your help :) I wish you the best

[Fiction]

I'm the same with the all or nothing thing too! I can eat a lot, or I can eat nothing. I can not maintain a diet that is healthy, but will also make me lose weight. Once I eat, I have to eat more. I think it's just a biproduct of any form of disordered eating. You find it hard to find the balance again that most normal people just seem to have :/