JustinPCGamer
January 13th, 2013, 01:11 AM
I've noticed something for the past two years or so about me. Something that is off, not quite right. I recently began doing research on personality disorders and have come up to the conclusion that I might be a sociopath. I'll start by saying a lot of the characteristics a sociopath has I seem to have. For an example, today it was my grandfather's birthday and my grandparents came over of course, my uncle, aunt, cousin, and friends of my grandparents. Everyone in my family was able to have a conversation at dinner and were all having a good time. I have never really been able to socialize with people. I was by myself for most of the time on the computer and watching some T.V. in the basement. Everyone else was upstairs; my mother, father, younger brother, younger sister, aunt, uncle, grandparents, grandparents' friends, and my cousin were all upstairs. I was the only one in the basement by myself.
The only time I went upstairs was for dinner and dessert. When we had dinner and dessert I didn't make any conversation, I don't know how to. I don't really like people. The company was here for six hours and the only interactions I had was hello, goodbye, and I helped my grandfather get out of the car with his walker because he has trouble walking. To me, people are really things to mess around with but not to have relationships with. Especially girls, they are objects to me. When it comes to rape though, I get really pissed off. It makes me mad when I think how a male can rape a female. My family thinks I am really good because I always try to do the right thing. I ask people how they are politely, but that doesn't start a conversation. One of us, usually me walks away. The same goes for teachers, they think I am one of the best students. I don't consider myself highly intelligent, but I am no dumb ass.
My overall high school average as of right now is an 86%. I get my work done and try hard without pissing anyone off. Teachers compliment me often, I also think my peers are stupid and immature but I act nicely towards them. My peers intimidate me but I try my best not to show it and just act friendly towards them. I don't really have any enemies except for one ex-best friend and his two buddies. Everyone else in my grade thinks I am a charming nice guy. I even do have a good amount of 'friends' that are girls. I only have two close friends and everyone else is an acquiescence. I have lied and completely manipulated these two friends and others including teachers. For an example, they like to go to youth group gatherings. Youth group is a social gathering at the church for two hours where you interact with other people your age and play organized games. My two friends invited me to go with them and I flat out lied to them. I said "I would love to go, but I am Jewish and you know my mother, she doesn't like when I am near anything Christian. The situation stinks, but I can't disobey her."
His reply was "You need to spend more time with us, but if your mother doesn't want you to go then I respect that. I'll see if I can get my mother to talk to yours." His mother and my mother are really close as well. The real reason why I didn't want to go is because I don't like people and want nothing to do with them. I completely lied about the jewish thing. I really am from Jewish heritage though. I find people annoying, and are like tools to me. Now, that night his mother texted my mother asking to let me go, it isn't a religious thing. I snatched the phone and replied pretending to be my mother. I then deleted the text messages from my mother's phone. I felt no remorse and no guilt from this. Then the next day he told me he was really upset I couldn't go but respected my mother's choice. I thought, what a little cry baby I should kill him or something. I said "Well, she has a mind of her own. It's a shame I can't go sorry. I really wish I could, I must be missing out." I've done many deceitful things, but that was probably my best example for this post.
I also have purposely caused confusion in the past. I remember earlier this school year I handed in a test I finished to the wrong teacher. She didn't know where to put it and I knew that she wouldn't. Then my other teachers began looking for my test and contacted me. We all looked for it and found it eventually. I knew where it was all along, but I was toying with the other teachers, misleading them on purpose while I was getting pleasure out of it. They also didn't think of it as being on purpose, they thought it was just misplaced. Man, I loved that, one of my favorite times this school year. I also feel I am superior to just about everyone. I can quickly identify how smart someone is just by having a simple conversation, I can also learn how to exploit them from that same simple conversation.
Two weeks ago, around Christmas my great aunt died. I attended her mass, funeral, burial, and church service. Not once did I cry but everyone around me was crying. I knew her pretty well, I remember every time I visited her in the nursing home she would compliment me on how handsome I was and that made me feel good. I also did talk to her a lot about the world. Then she started to loose her memory and quickly forgot who I was. A few years later she died. I think I felt sad, but maybe not. I couldn't cry though, nothing not even a tear. I even tried to force myself to cry but still no luck. I had like no emotion.
That same close friend that I mentioned about youth group above, his mother's close friend died of a flu-vaccine complication a few months ago. I remember before first period he told me about it. I pretended that I felt really bad and pretended to be upset. I even said "I wish your mother the best, it's really hard when someone close to you passes. Especially when it is something that could have been avoided. Someone screwed up if it was a flu-vaccine complication." I just said that, but in my head I thought that was one of the funniest things I have ever heard and I also hoped his mother was in a lot of pain from the loss.
From all my research I have been doing on sociopaths, I have seen it stated that they don't have a conscience. I know that I do, whenever I am about to do something wrong, I do think twice. When I see someone else do something wrong, I can recognize that. I know wrong from right. I basically am pretending to be someone that I am not. Everyone who knows me thinks that I am good student, good boy, charming young man, I have never been in trouble with the law, I never even got detention before, and everyone thinks I am a gentleman. Basically what I really am is a cold person deep down inside. Can you be a sociopath and have a conscience? Also, I come from a good family my mother and father are together, all four of my grand parents are alive and love me, and my relatives love me. Plus, I get along with my younger brother and sister. Maybe I am not a sociopath and have something else?
Also, I haven't really stole anything for the most part. Three years ago, I was on vacation in Canada and saw some nice man made crystals in a store. I didn't see the sign that they were $10 and took one. I honestly did think they were free. I took one and put it in my pocket. Then later we came back to the store and I saw the sign. I didn't have the balls then and probably wouldn't have it now to stop everyone and say "I accidently took this crystal because I thought it was free." Another thing I have been stealing, more recent is alcoholic beverages from my parents. Oh boy, I love alcoholic beverages. I have been robbing my father of beer, wine, and champagne. Just last night I got drunk off of two glasses of my father's champagne. I don't really feel bad when I steal his drinks to be honest. I just enjoy them, the most I can. Four months ago, I stole one of my father's cigars and smoked it. I didn't really like it but I thought it was worth it. Still, I didn't feel bad after taking it.
As far as killing goes, I think about it a lot. I could never kill anyone for no reason. That ex-best friend I mentioned earlier, I fantasize a lot about killing him and his buddies as well as some of my teachers. I like fantasizing about killing my ex-best friend and his other buddies because last school year they all harassed me non-stop. In my head, it is justified. In fact, over the summer I had a plan setup to kill him. He lives only two blocks away from me so distance won't be a problem. I wrote it all down on paper and then learned more about the law. I was going to go through with the plan but then I thought about being caught and I figured it would not be worth it. Perhaps one day I will kill him, but not anytime soon. Now I have a few oblivious teachers and I often think about killing them, just for being oblivious. I really focus on fantasizing killing my ex-best friend and a few other ass holes.
Now here comes my porn problem. I illegally download porn and watch it almost every single school night. I have over 37 porn movies and I keep a list of my favorite porn stars. Not only am I cheating Brazzers out of money, I watch the porn as a minor; before each movie starts it clearly states where it was filmed, when, and the age. In the US if you view porn under 18, you're considered a minor. Well, I am 16 not 18 so I am a minor. Plus, I break a morale value, my parents/teachers/friends would be so disappointed in me if they had any idea I watched porn. Yet, I still have no feeling of remorse or guilt.
Another way I get away from everyone else is aside from doing school work, I play computer games all day. All day long-late night. On a weekend night until 1 am. On a school night until 11 PM. On average of course. According to steam, I have played 84.7 hours in the past two weeks. I have fun doing so, a lot of fun. I love PC Gaming, really a hobby of mine. That and computer science of course.
Either way, If I am not a sociopath, there is something that is wrong with me. Also, sorry I know this is long, but I really thank you for reading as it is important to me.
The only time I went upstairs was for dinner and dessert. When we had dinner and dessert I didn't make any conversation, I don't know how to. I don't really like people. The company was here for six hours and the only interactions I had was hello, goodbye, and I helped my grandfather get out of the car with his walker because he has trouble walking. To me, people are really things to mess around with but not to have relationships with. Especially girls, they are objects to me. When it comes to rape though, I get really pissed off. It makes me mad when I think how a male can rape a female. My family thinks I am really good because I always try to do the right thing. I ask people how they are politely, but that doesn't start a conversation. One of us, usually me walks away. The same goes for teachers, they think I am one of the best students. I don't consider myself highly intelligent, but I am no dumb ass.
My overall high school average as of right now is an 86%. I get my work done and try hard without pissing anyone off. Teachers compliment me often, I also think my peers are stupid and immature but I act nicely towards them. My peers intimidate me but I try my best not to show it and just act friendly towards them. I don't really have any enemies except for one ex-best friend and his two buddies. Everyone else in my grade thinks I am a charming nice guy. I even do have a good amount of 'friends' that are girls. I only have two close friends and everyone else is an acquiescence. I have lied and completely manipulated these two friends and others including teachers. For an example, they like to go to youth group gatherings. Youth group is a social gathering at the church for two hours where you interact with other people your age and play organized games. My two friends invited me to go with them and I flat out lied to them. I said "I would love to go, but I am Jewish and you know my mother, she doesn't like when I am near anything Christian. The situation stinks, but I can't disobey her."
His reply was "You need to spend more time with us, but if your mother doesn't want you to go then I respect that. I'll see if I can get my mother to talk to yours." His mother and my mother are really close as well. The real reason why I didn't want to go is because I don't like people and want nothing to do with them. I completely lied about the jewish thing. I really am from Jewish heritage though. I find people annoying, and are like tools to me. Now, that night his mother texted my mother asking to let me go, it isn't a religious thing. I snatched the phone and replied pretending to be my mother. I then deleted the text messages from my mother's phone. I felt no remorse and no guilt from this. Then the next day he told me he was really upset I couldn't go but respected my mother's choice. I thought, what a little cry baby I should kill him or something. I said "Well, she has a mind of her own. It's a shame I can't go sorry. I really wish I could, I must be missing out." I've done many deceitful things, but that was probably my best example for this post.
I also have purposely caused confusion in the past. I remember earlier this school year I handed in a test I finished to the wrong teacher. She didn't know where to put it and I knew that she wouldn't. Then my other teachers began looking for my test and contacted me. We all looked for it and found it eventually. I knew where it was all along, but I was toying with the other teachers, misleading them on purpose while I was getting pleasure out of it. They also didn't think of it as being on purpose, they thought it was just misplaced. Man, I loved that, one of my favorite times this school year. I also feel I am superior to just about everyone. I can quickly identify how smart someone is just by having a simple conversation, I can also learn how to exploit them from that same simple conversation.
Two weeks ago, around Christmas my great aunt died. I attended her mass, funeral, burial, and church service. Not once did I cry but everyone around me was crying. I knew her pretty well, I remember every time I visited her in the nursing home she would compliment me on how handsome I was and that made me feel good. I also did talk to her a lot about the world. Then she started to loose her memory and quickly forgot who I was. A few years later she died. I think I felt sad, but maybe not. I couldn't cry though, nothing not even a tear. I even tried to force myself to cry but still no luck. I had like no emotion.
That same close friend that I mentioned about youth group above, his mother's close friend died of a flu-vaccine complication a few months ago. I remember before first period he told me about it. I pretended that I felt really bad and pretended to be upset. I even said "I wish your mother the best, it's really hard when someone close to you passes. Especially when it is something that could have been avoided. Someone screwed up if it was a flu-vaccine complication." I just said that, but in my head I thought that was one of the funniest things I have ever heard and I also hoped his mother was in a lot of pain from the loss.
From all my research I have been doing on sociopaths, I have seen it stated that they don't have a conscience. I know that I do, whenever I am about to do something wrong, I do think twice. When I see someone else do something wrong, I can recognize that. I know wrong from right. I basically am pretending to be someone that I am not. Everyone who knows me thinks that I am good student, good boy, charming young man, I have never been in trouble with the law, I never even got detention before, and everyone thinks I am a gentleman. Basically what I really am is a cold person deep down inside. Can you be a sociopath and have a conscience? Also, I come from a good family my mother and father are together, all four of my grand parents are alive and love me, and my relatives love me. Plus, I get along with my younger brother and sister. Maybe I am not a sociopath and have something else?
Also, I haven't really stole anything for the most part. Three years ago, I was on vacation in Canada and saw some nice man made crystals in a store. I didn't see the sign that they were $10 and took one. I honestly did think they were free. I took one and put it in my pocket. Then later we came back to the store and I saw the sign. I didn't have the balls then and probably wouldn't have it now to stop everyone and say "I accidently took this crystal because I thought it was free." Another thing I have been stealing, more recent is alcoholic beverages from my parents. Oh boy, I love alcoholic beverages. I have been robbing my father of beer, wine, and champagne. Just last night I got drunk off of two glasses of my father's champagne. I don't really feel bad when I steal his drinks to be honest. I just enjoy them, the most I can. Four months ago, I stole one of my father's cigars and smoked it. I didn't really like it but I thought it was worth it. Still, I didn't feel bad after taking it.
As far as killing goes, I think about it a lot. I could never kill anyone for no reason. That ex-best friend I mentioned earlier, I fantasize a lot about killing him and his buddies as well as some of my teachers. I like fantasizing about killing my ex-best friend and his other buddies because last school year they all harassed me non-stop. In my head, it is justified. In fact, over the summer I had a plan setup to kill him. He lives only two blocks away from me so distance won't be a problem. I wrote it all down on paper and then learned more about the law. I was going to go through with the plan but then I thought about being caught and I figured it would not be worth it. Perhaps one day I will kill him, but not anytime soon. Now I have a few oblivious teachers and I often think about killing them, just for being oblivious. I really focus on fantasizing killing my ex-best friend and a few other ass holes.
Now here comes my porn problem. I illegally download porn and watch it almost every single school night. I have over 37 porn movies and I keep a list of my favorite porn stars. Not only am I cheating Brazzers out of money, I watch the porn as a minor; before each movie starts it clearly states where it was filmed, when, and the age. In the US if you view porn under 18, you're considered a minor. Well, I am 16 not 18 so I am a minor. Plus, I break a morale value, my parents/teachers/friends would be so disappointed in me if they had any idea I watched porn. Yet, I still have no feeling of remorse or guilt.
Another way I get away from everyone else is aside from doing school work, I play computer games all day. All day long-late night. On a weekend night until 1 am. On a school night until 11 PM. On average of course. According to steam, I have played 84.7 hours in the past two weeks. I have fun doing so, a lot of fun. I love PC Gaming, really a hobby of mine. That and computer science of course.
Either way, If I am not a sociopath, there is something that is wrong with me. Also, sorry I know this is long, but I really thank you for reading as it is important to me.