is it my fault his family and friends are turning on him

[ackmedsgirl666]

so like ive always felt guilty and felt like its my fault that my boyfriend has lost family members and family because i got him to drop everything in burlington and move out here with me to toronto. basically his uncle has stopped talking to him.... his brother is disapointed with him.. his sister became a real bitch and spread rumours about me that i "took her brother" away from everybody and now all of his friends are starting to back off. it seems the only support we still have from that city is his mom and step dad.
what do i do? i dont want to be the cause of him losing friends and family. he only gets to go home when i have extra money to send him there.

:(:(:(:(
its only 2 days short of my 1 year anniversary with him and i feel like really horrible.. was everything i have done.. fought for... even worth it.

[FreeFall]

You're not magical and cannot control what happens like that so stop thinking you did.

Your boyfriend is an adult.
Your boyfriend is totally capable of making his own choices.

HE chose to follow you. You cannot force someone to leave their home (yes you can but not in your case)
HE chose to be with you.
HE chose to stay with you.
HE decided to have you in his life.
HE picked you.

-His uncle? Meh. Plenty of people either don't know their uncles or have none and they're totally fine. Many people, especially of our culture, do not require EXTENDED family to be up their ass, er I mean speak to them on a daily basis.

-His brother. So he's disappointed? Why and what for? He's sad his brother found a woman to love? He's sad his brother's man enough to not cling to his family like a baby? He's sad he can't control his brother? Did he expect him to live within waking distance forever?
Because enmeshment isn't a healthy thing.

-His sister. EW. You took her brother? Did she want to take her brother? How old is said sister? I'm hoping she's under the age of 10 because anything else, she's too attached to be speaking like that. Like she's jealous of you, for "taking" him when she wanted him all to herself. Goosebumps D:

Bottom line- if that's what they've decided to do in reaction to you two being a couple and, remotely, happy together, then that was their choice. You two did not force them to become or react the way they have.

And if your boyfriend wants to go home he needs to do it himself, you know, be a man? You sound like you're taking care of a child, sending him home when YOU have the money? He relies on you to go home? Really?

His home is with you now though, isn't it?
That place just used to be his home, right? Because his home is where you are? Right?

[brianabyington]

You're not magical and cannot control what happens like that so stop thinking you did.

Your boyfriend is an adult.
Your boyfriend is totally capable of making his own choices.

HE chose to follow you. You cannot force someone to leave their home (yes you can but not in your case)
HE chose to be with you.
HE chose to stay with you.
HE decided to have you in his life.
HE picked you.

-His uncle? Meh. Plenty of people either don't know their uncles or have none and they're totally fine. Many people, especially of our culture, do not require EXTENDED family to be up their ass, er I mean speak to them on a daily basis.

-His brother. So he's disappointed? Why and what for? He's sad his brother found a woman to love? He's sad his brother's man enough to not cling to his family like a baby? He's sad he can't control his brother? Did he expect him to live within waking distance forever?
Because enmeshment isn't a healthy thing.

-His sister. EW. You took her brother? Did she want to take her brother? How old is said sister? I'm hoping she's under the age of 10 because anything else, she's too attached to be speaking like that. Like she's jealous of you, for "taking" him when she wanted him all to herself. Goosebumps D:

Bottom line- if that's what they've decided to do in reaction to you two being a couple and, remotely, happy together, then that was their choice. You two did not force them to become or react the way they have.

And if your boyfriend wants to go home he needs to do it himself, you know, be a man? You sound like you're taking care of a child, sending him home when YOU have the money? He relies on you to go home? Really?

His home is with you now though, isn't it?
That place just used to be his home, right? Because his home is where you are? Right?

I totally agree with this poster. It's not ur fault it's their fault for acting that way.

[ackmedsgirl666]

You're not magical and cannot control what happens like that so stop thinking you did.

Your boyfriend is an adult.
Your boyfriend is totally capable of making his own choices.

HE chose to follow you. You cannot force someone to leave their home (yes you can but not in your case)
HE chose to be with you.
HE chose to stay with you.
HE decided to have you in his life.
HE picked you.

-His uncle? Meh. Plenty of people either don't know their uncles or have none and they're totally fine. Many people, especially of our culture, do not require EXTENDED family to be up their ass, er I mean speak to them on a daily basis.

-His brother. So he's disappointed? Why and what for? He's sad his brother found a woman to love? He's sad his brother's man enough to not cling to his family like a baby? He's sad he can't control his brother? Did he expect him to live within waking distance forever?
Because enmeshment isn't a healthy thing.

-His sister. EW. You took her brother? Did she want to take her brother? How old is said sister? I'm hoping she's under the age of 10 because anything else, she's too attached to be speaking like that. Like she's jealous of you, for "taking" him when she wanted him all to herself. Goosebumps D:

Bottom line- if that's what they've decided to do in reaction to you two being a couple and, remotely, happy together, then that was their choice. You two did not force them to become or react the way they have.

And if your boyfriend wants to go home he needs to do it himself, you know, be a man? You sound like you're taking care of a child, sending him home when YOU have the money? He relies on you to go home? Really?

His home is with you now though, isn't it?
That place just used to be his home, right? Because his home is where you are? Right?


his sister is 19 turning 20 very soon
and she is very immature for her age too.. she tells everybody i took him away. and yes freefall. he currently doesnt work and hasnt had any luck at finding a job... nobody is hiring right now so yes he can only go home when i get my government cheque

[FreeFall]

his sister is 19 turning 20 very soon
and she is very immature for her age too.. she tells everybody i took him away. and yes freefall. he currently doesnt work and hasnt had any luck at finding a job... nobody is hiring right now so yes he can only go home when i get my government cheque
I understand that. The economy here, the jobs. It's sucks. When it's not the holiday seasons, you're shit outta luck in getting hired.

Onto the topic now. 20!? She's 20 and fucking crying over how some "mean, little girl, came and stole her brother away from her, waaah!?!?" EW. eeeeew. EW on her!

What 20 year old WOMAN has place to be crying, whining, bitching, and moaning about her ADULT brother is in a relationship!? Oh my god. She's too old to be crying that her brother left her for another woman. That's essentially what she's doing, you're the other woman to her. Ugh ew.
Your poor boyfriend, I don't know how boys end up with such uh, clingy, sisters.

On that note; you still trying for that baby? DO NOT LET HER BE ALONE WITH YOUR BABY. EVER. She will pretend the baby is her's. She will not see you as the mother. She will not respect you or your parenting.
If you "took her brother from her", she will also cry how you're taking the baby from her and how babies need their aunties. These are lies. Babies only ever need their mother. Dad's too if they're there, but babies need mommy, they know her smell, her voice, her warmth and her heartbeat. Do not ever let her be alone with the baby, do not ever let her parent your baby. If she disrespects you, take action. When the baby is old enough, if you've failed in keeping her within good boundaries, the baby will pick its favorite aunt over its parents and it will resent and hate you for not being her.

I'm sorry your future sister in law, is...crazy?

[IAMWILL]

I thought I'd offer a male opinion seeing as only females have answered this thread so far.

I think it depends on how much you encouraged him to follow you. If you were begging him, or telling him that you couldn't live without him, or anything along that line, it may have forced him to make a decision he didn't really want to make just to please you. That type of action in a relationship is definitely not good for a stable, healthy relationship. If you left it open to him and didn't pressure him more than just a tiny bit into the decision, its his decision and fair on your part. But if he made the decision to not disappoint you, that is unfair for him.

In regards to his family, their reaction is expected. They love him too, and having someone that is not a family member leave to be with you like he did is definitely tough on them. If his family took him away from you, you would probably be just as angry and sad as his family is.

[FreeFall]

It's not a matter of differing gender/sexual opinion though.
It's a matter of simple respect of someone's relationship and love life and them making choices as an adult.
And there's still no excuse, at the end of the day he picked her. Even if he was pressured, it was still his choice to have given in. If he wanted his family more than her, he'd go to them or he'd try to, and eventually the relationship would strain so badly it would snap. It sucks when people can't have all the family members they want in their life, but that's part of being an adult. Deciding who you feel benefits your life more; the people that cannot respect your girlfriend whom you plan to marry and have a baby with and therefore also disrespect you because you and your girlfriend are a untied front, or the woman you plan to marry and have a baby with who you have as your other half and untied front partner.

The thing is, somehow it has been brought to her attention that his family is not fond of her, of them, of anything having to do with her. This isn't her fault and she does not deserve to be treated like this by them. They've the right to their opinions but they have no right to be acting as they are. They can be hurt all they want, it's sort of sad in a way that they care more about how they're feeling than about the person they wish was still there, is in love and remotely happy.

[ackmedsgirl666]

It's not a matter of differing gender/sexual opinion though.
It's a matter of simple respect of someone's relationship and love life and them making choices as an adult.
And there's still no excuse, at the end of the day he picked her. Even if he was pressured, it was still his choice to have given in. If he wanted his family more than her, he'd go to them or he'd try to, and eventually the relationship would strain so badly it would snap. It sucks when people can't have all the family members they want in their life, but that's part of being an adult. Deciding who you feel benefits your life more; the people that cannot respect your girlfriend whom you plan to marry and have a baby with and therefore also disrespect you because you and your girlfriend are a untied front, or the woman you plan to marry and have a baby with who you have as your other half and untied front partner.

The thing is, somehow it has been brought to her attention that his family is not fond of her, of them, of anything having to do with her. This isn't her fault and she does not deserve to be treated like this by them. They've the right to their opinions but they have no right to be acting as they are. They can be hurt all they want, it's sort of sad in a way that they care more about how they're feeling than about the person they wish was still there, is in love and remotely happy.

thanks freefall for all your help this past few months
i couldnt have done it without you... today marks one year for me and mikey and we are hoping that things will get easier now.... and that there will be less posts from me...

again thanks all..

oh and also girl... his immature sister turned 20 yesterday.... and his brother is gonna be getting dealt with we forwarded the messages to his mom

[FreeFall]

thanks freefall for all your help this past few months
i couldnt have done it without you... today marks one year for me and mikey and we are hoping that things will get easier now.... and that there will be less posts from me...

again thanks all..

oh and also girl... his immature sister turned 20 yesterday.... and his brother is gonna be getting dealt with we forwarded the messages to his mom
I certainly hope so. In every regard. Easier relationship, easier life, no stress from bro obsessed sister. Better economy and situations, everyone needs that : D


20 years old and acting like that. If she were like 12, I could understand. Young children don't process that their big sibling isn't there anymore and won't be as a part of the family. They don't comprehend that they've found love and went to be there with them, you can tell them that sure, but it doesn't click for them in the same way it does for those who can understand it in that sense. But a 20 year old? She could be married at that age with kids and everything would be fine, she definitely should totally comprehend about moving to build your life with your loved one. Not clinging like that. I guess in a way, you should be happy she's only 20 and not like 32.

Very belated New Years wish to you: that the stress is less and life gets smoother
: D