rEpReSsIoN.?
October 23rd, 2007, 07:09 PM
Well this story begins about two months ago (i self harmed before that but not suicidal), well i cheated on my girl friend while she was away for a week (straight after she came back i dumped her), i cheated on her with this guy who was her friend. During that week i felt such guilt i wanted to kill myself and tried to overdose twice but did not work (just felt sick) i just scared my arm, then after two week of secretly going out with this guy i had to get away from what i had done and i was going through a depressive stage. I feel so much like my dad who cheated on my mum (not with a man) so i dumped my boy friend by saying i needed sometime away from it all and i was going through a depressive stage and needed to get through it alone.
After a few more weeks had past i learned that he was going to brighton looking for a boyfriend or just sex and he was interested in this girl as well, but my ex girl friend was being really nice and we remained friends after i dumped her. After that the guilt kept coming back and self harm (cutting and strangulation with a belt tied to my bed, like i had to be tied up for 30 seconds or till i got a throbbing feeling in my head from no circulation and that was my punishment for myself) and attempted overdoses started again and i went to see the school councilor who told me she was getting me a mental health councilor for the self harming and depression (the depression and self harming has been coming in cycles for years). My ex boy friend kept coming round and one time me held me down and said what do you want bto do to me while i struggled under his grip (i'm alot weaker than him).
At a party with my ex girl friend we got back together and i wanted to be with her i wanted someone i was so lonely, we got together and soon enough my ex boy friend found out and got angry with me because he thought i wanted him, i told him that he was off with other people trying to have sex while i was going through a depressive stage and i said he was not there for me when my girl friend was. It soon came to my attention that a few people knew of me cheating all those weeks ago and i did my best to cover it up with the help of my ex boyfriend, i do not want everyone finding out and hating me the only reason i live is for my friends i can't lose them.
And now all i feel it guilt because i still partially like my ex boy friend but i like my girl friend alot and i feel guilt for cheating on her... i just want to punish myself, i want it all to end, i don't want her to think badly of me it was a mistake i was stupid and i hate myself, i am just like my dad causing all the pain and suffering he brings along with him.
So i can't tell my friend or my girl friend or i'll lose them, i live in the fact my girl friend might find out any day and i want to be with her, and also i have to live with myself for likeing someone else... i just want it to all end.
After a few more weeks had past i learned that he was going to brighton looking for a boyfriend or just sex and he was interested in this girl as well, but my ex girl friend was being really nice and we remained friends after i dumped her. After that the guilt kept coming back and self harm (cutting and strangulation with a belt tied to my bed, like i had to be tied up for 30 seconds or till i got a throbbing feeling in my head from no circulation and that was my punishment for myself) and attempted overdoses started again and i went to see the school councilor who told me she was getting me a mental health councilor for the self harming and depression (the depression and self harming has been coming in cycles for years). My ex boy friend kept coming round and one time me held me down and said what do you want bto do to me while i struggled under his grip (i'm alot weaker than him).
At a party with my ex girl friend we got back together and i wanted to be with her i wanted someone i was so lonely, we got together and soon enough my ex boy friend found out and got angry with me because he thought i wanted him, i told him that he was off with other people trying to have sex while i was going through a depressive stage and i said he was not there for me when my girl friend was. It soon came to my attention that a few people knew of me cheating all those weeks ago and i did my best to cover it up with the help of my ex boyfriend, i do not want everyone finding out and hating me the only reason i live is for my friends i can't lose them.
And now all i feel it guilt because i still partially like my ex boy friend but i like my girl friend alot and i feel guilt for cheating on her... i just want to punish myself, i want it all to end, i don't want her to think badly of me it was a mistake i was stupid and i hate myself, i am just like my dad causing all the pain and suffering he brings along with him.
So i can't tell my friend or my girl friend or i'll lose them, i live in the fact my girl friend might find out any day and i want to be with her, and also i have to live with myself for likeing someone else... i just want it to all end.