Want to start over, past keeps following

[Sudds3]

I just want one of my friends to talk to me about this. They all know how i feel yet they all think im just joking about it when i say "im gonna kill myself one of these days" im not....its going to happen. Im just waiting for the right time.

I go into each day depressed more than ever, by lunch i feel pretty ok and i can manage a smile. The next few class period ill actually be happy, but it quickly falls away when i get home. Im only, only with my brain. I think too much, it leads to suicide and then its the only thing i can think of. Sometimes its the only thing i think of all day and i never speak a word to anyone that day. But sometimes i wake up refreshed thinking i can change things, buti get to school and that feeling is long gone for some reason. I love my school and my friends, but none of them ever talk to me about personal things.

Ill talk to them and itll lead to suicide or something and ill say i feel bad but they just tey and change the subject. Today i was talking to my friend and i said i wanted to kill myself and tht i dont feel like studying anymore because im not gonna live long enough for it to matter and he just said "life sucks. Life is a bitch. You just gotta deal with it" ive never felt so bad.

Ive talked to people on VT but it only holds me over for a few hours, i want someone to talk to that will be there for me to help me every day in person. Just one person that i can conceal my past in so its not as much of a burden...butno one wants to talk, all they care about is that the lockout is over which is awesome...but all i doceveryday is sleep, eat, think, and breathe. I really really want to start cutting too.

My mom found one of my tweets saying i wanted to kill myself because of my sister and my mom has never been able to look at me the same, she cant even look me in the eye because she feels like she failed...i just want to make her happy but i really just want to end my pain. Ive been selfless all my life, putting others first, buts about da,n time hat someone returns the favor...because i need it a lot more than most people.

[Castle of Glass]

don't do it. It is not worth it. sure you might think it is the only way out as none of your friends don't want to talk about it and your mother thinks she failed. But there are other ways of getting rid of your thoughts.
You said in your title that "past keeps following", what do you mean with this? because if you explained that, we could help you better. But do not take the hasty way out. If no one can help you here or in your close circle of trusted people(family or friends), why not go to a counselor or something similar.
and i am here. just send me a PM if you ever want to talk.

[Sudds3]

Well ive done some things in my past im not proud of, not like sexual things but just little things related to depression and they are wearing me down and its so hard to have to carry them along. I just want someone to know what ive been going through so this path isnt so lonely.

[Breakeven]

past is past
you will move from it when the right time comes , it wont hurt so much in time , trust me i know
the way you look at your past its in you , let your past make you a better and stronger person , no matter what you did or happened
no one is perfect , we all make mistakes but everyday is a chance to start over and learn
dont live your life worrying about the past, if you cant change it then accept it!

[Mob Boss]

Hi, Adam
I used to see you around here a bunch. :hiya: Anyways, you've already established that you need someone to talk to you -- and to not just hear the words you're saying, but listen to them and take you seriously. You're friends aren't cutting it for you in that department, it would seem. Let's face it, they're teens who probably have girls/boys, video games and the next big app on their mind. I love my friends, but I truly only have one friend that will listen while I spew my thoughts and problems at her. You need to find that friend, you just haven't yet. You said you really shook up your mom when she found your tweet, but have you tried talking to her? I know, parents and issues don't seem like they'd go together but you're in need of a set of caring ears. Do you have siblings you can talk to? If not, there should be a school counselor you could pay a visit to and you should! Pouring your problems out to someone you trust will do amazing things to your poor, over-worked mind. Your friend that said that probably didn't realize how careless he sounded, I'm sure he would be extremely upset if something happened to you. I've come to the realization that some people don't know how to handle situations like that, so they think not talking about it or saying a few words will help. Don't cut.
The relief is short. The pain hurts. The scars aren't pretty. And when your shirt slid off your shoulder and the people around you give you these awful looks because you're not the person they thought you were, it's embarrassing . I have scars all over my shoulders and legs and I regret every one of them. You don't want your past etched in your skin.

So you've done things in your past that you regret. But you know what's cool about pasts? You're done with them. You're moving on. You're 14! 14! You've got so much ahead of you with more pasts to make, and pasts to be proud of too.


I found this for you. Instead of getting lost in your thoughts, make yourself stop. Tell yourself to stop out loud if you have to, and think about ponies and dragons. :P
Watch your thinking! Anti-rumination strategy is vital to breaking out of depression and other emotional ruts. Become aware of those times you dwell on the negatives in your life –both real or imagined –and stop them. It takes work and persistence but if you constantly tell yourself to ‘stop it’ when you start to go over and over the negatives, then you are building a positive habit that will change your life for the better. Whether it’s the jerk who cut you off in traffic or something a little closer to home, don’t give yourself the luxury of a negative thought.

If you ever need someone to talk to, I'd be more than glad to listen so feel free to VM or PM me. Even if you need to talk about why the grass is green, I'd be more than happy to listen. :)

Keep your chin up, kiddo.

[Sudds3]

Thanks to everyone for posting, especially Illicitus! You really have an amazing way of how you can take what you think and clearly put into words. Your amazing and terrible experiences make what you say that much more worth while, like when you say that you dont want your past etched into your skin....that just kind of hit me like a brick wall. Those scars would never go away and people would just judge me even more. So I wouldnt just be an ugly freak, i would be an ugly emo freak....ive tried so hard to forget my past...and yes i am14 which made me laugh when you pointed it out, but things are just so confusing all the time. I literally constantly fantasize about my future but then immediately after i fear i wont let myself live long enough to see what comes of it.

and yes my friend was being an ass but he probably just didnt want to talk about anything to in depth because we had to study for exams...so yeah, im still searching for that one friend who will really be there for me when im down and who will still be there for me when im feeling good and might forget about them (hopefully not).

I dont really like my brother and sister cuz they fight a lot and with my parents and me so they wont help. Then my mom, i just want her to forget i said that, it was dumb that i put it online and i just wanted help and now my mom feels terrible. Its like im screwing everyone elses lives up too. And ive thought about meeting with a counselor and i might, im not too sure about it though. Im not too into the idea of pouring out to someone, and its taken me this long to be comfortable with the idea of opening up to a friend because i never would open up to anyone because ive been judged too harshly over the years starting at an early age. So yeah lets toss around some quotes now /( 0.0)/ \(0.0 )\

Trust is like a mirror, it is easily broken but can still be fixed. It takes a lot of time and effort to fix and once it is fixed, it can never be the same.

Beauty can get you anywhere in life, those who werent fortunate enough to be beautiful will just have to work for what they want, and they will have more of a respect for what they have achieved in life.

Thanks

[Mob Boss]

Haha, no problem. And thank you for saying that about me. You're neither a freak, nor ugly; what you consider attractive, there's always going to be someone out there that finds it unattractive. So what you see in yourself, and what others see are two very different things. From what I can tell you are not a freak at all. You seem like a very genuine person which is a big accomplishment these days, as nearly everyone seems as fake a Dolly Parton's boobs. And you actually use proper grammar for a 14 year old! There just might be hope for all 14 year olds now. :P Probably not, but still...

"I literally constantly fantasize about the future" - That right there is rumination (what the small paragraph I quoted was against). It's like throwing gasoline on a flame when you're depressed then you start fantasizing about things that haven't happened yet -- whether good or bad -- then you snap out of it for a brief while and you're thinking oh, crap, that's never going to happen to me. Or you're so completely emerged in the thoughts of your future, but you realize life has kind of kicked you down at the moment and you have all this time to endure it. Or you're so caught up about thoughts from your future that you're not living in the present and you're missing out on things that other kids your age are experiencing. So you've got to stop thinking. The next time you find yourself caught up in your thoughts again, stop yourself. It will be hard at first but after a while it should develop into a habit. Cutting the over-thinking will cut your problems in half, maybe even more. The less you're worrying about your future and past, the better you'll feel and the less you'll have to worry about not getting to live that future. I mean, that seems like it will really help your depression because I see two main factors in this; your past and your future and you can't control either of those. Things happen and we move on. From the looks of it your life isn't bad until you start over-thinking or holding onto things that have already happened that you can't change. This is just another obstacle that life will throw at you that you somehow have to find a way to overcome and keep moving forward.

You aren't screwing anyone else's life up. Your mom was just upset that you are feeling this way and that she didn't catch onto it. She's your mom so I'm sure she thought she knew you better than anyone else did, and when she read that she probably felt a little sad and guilty (though she shouldn't, as teens are extremely good at hiding things from their parents). She wasn't mad at you or blaming you. And getting better would not only help yourself, but I'm sure she'd be happy to see you happy again. Yeah, the idea of a counselor or therapist is a scary one indeed. I've been to therapy for a few different reasons and you get to this point where you just have to let all the bad out. That's their job, to listen to the good and bad things going on and to help you organize the two and develop more good things. They get paid to do that. And they don't judge you. Until you decide whether to see a counselor or not, you can always work on yourself by starting a word vomit journal. This way you can get all those bottled up emotions out and pinpoint certain reoccurances that trigger your depression and find a way to work that problem out with yourself.

"Sometimes, struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Give every opportunity a chance, leave no room for regrets.”

[Texas warrior]

Watch Angel Beats. The first two episodes are kind of goofy but if you watch all of them it should help with your depression, I know it helped with mine.

[unusedaccount]

I just want one of my friends to talk to me about this. They all know how i feel yet they all think im just joking about it when i say "im gonna kill myself one of these days" im not....its going to happen. Im just waiting for the right time.

I go into each day depressed more than ever, by lunch i feel pretty ok and i can manage a smile. The next few class period ill actually be happy, but it quickly falls away when i get home. Im only, only with my brain. I think too much, it leads to suicide and then its the only thing i can think of. Sometimes its the only thing i think of all day and i never speak a word to anyone that day. But sometimes i wake up refreshed thinking i can change things, buti get to school and that feeling is long gone for some reason. I love my school and my friends, but none of them ever talk to me about personal things.

Ill talk to them and itll lead to suicide or something and ill say i feel bad but they just tey and change the subject. Today i was talking to my friend and i said i wanted to kill myself and tht i dont feel like studying anymore because im not gonna live long enough for it to matter and he just said "life sucks. Life is a bitch. You just gotta deal with it" ive never felt so bad.

Ive talked to people on VT but it only holds me over for a few hours, i want someone to talk to that will be there for me to help me every day in person. Just one person that i can conceal my past in so its not as much of a burden...butno one wants to talk, all they care about is that the lockout is over which is awesome...but all i doceveryday is sleep, eat, think, and breathe. I really really want to start cutting too.

My mom found one of my tweets saying i wanted to kill myself because of my sister and my mom has never been able to look at me the same, she cant even look me in the eye because she feels like she failed...i just want to make her happy but i really just want to end my pain. Ive been selfless all my life, putting others first, buts about da,n time hat someone returns the favor...because i need it a lot more than most people.

I won't say 'don't do it' I'll say this, because this is the truth. Suicide is selfish, and a cowards way out. Think of the people you'll leave behind, think of the thousands of children that die each year from disease, or fatal accidents. You can be a strong person, if you want to be, and you can overcome your problems. Speak to someone you can trust, and confide in them, the first step to solving your issues is admitting you need help. :)