Don't know what's my problem...

[EllieS.]

Hello,

I have a girlfriend for 9 month ago but she lives far from me.
Before her, I felt in love with 2 other girls. The first broke my heart, she told me that she hated me and then, few months later, she said that she loved me. She played with me.
The second girl was older than me, she was like a sister, a best friend, a confidant for me and then, a day without saying me anything, she stopped talking to me.
I was always very sad and depressed but I learned to hide my feeling and to seem happy no matter what happened.
Since that, it's like if I just can't be happy, even when everything's right, I find something to feel bad.
And with my girlfriend, it's the same thing, it's like if I always do something wrong to make her angry or I don't know.
I interiorize everything, all the time. I can't say what I feel, I can't say how I feel, I can't say anything because I'm used to keep everything hide inside me, I'm doing my best to talk to her, to tell her my feeling and my thought but I always end up shut on myself.

I don't know why I am like that.. I'm so tired of being like that...

If you have some advices for me, it would really help me. I'm willing to try anything which would help my problem.

[Harley Quinn]

Have you tried writing your thoughts down, or actually voicing them? I'm not talking about telling other people, I'm talking about telling yourself. Sometimes, the best way to get over something is to get it out of your body, you're still dealing with it yourself, just in a more manageable way.

However, you can't keep everything to yourself forever, you have to talk sometime and to someone. You don't have to tell anyone what's wrong straight away, just build up to it, and if you feel uncomfortable, you can stop. You're in control of what you want to do, and how you want to do it, remember that. Try and force yourself though when you feel yourself shutting, because that's how it gets easier to talk. You need to put your trust in your girlfriend, relationships and friendships for that matter require trust.

[tundravortex]

tell her about what happend in the past with your last girlfriends and maybe she'll understand...srry i cant give it any better but thats the best i can give you

[EllieS.]

I write or wrote a lot, it's an escape for me but it's harder now, I don't know why.
She knows my past, she knows everything I had to go through. But she wants me to open my heart to her, I think she understands that it's hard for me but she is hurt when I can't tell her what's going on. It's not that I don't what, just that I can't. Sometimes it's because even me I don't know what's going on. It's always so confused in my mind.
I trust her, she is the one I trust the most and probably the one who knows the most about me. But I don't know.. I think that I was so used to say anything that now it's easier to still keep everything inside.