Venting....Again

[Gandalf]

I hate my thoughts. My brain won't shut up. I'm living a simple everyday event over and over and over. And my other thoughts are just distressing me.

The situation, is simply me in the library speaking to the librarian. An every day conversation, One I managed to go through without letting my anxiety get in the way Something I guess? NO

I mean. This was Thursday. It's now (only just though)Monday. And the conversation is going round and around.

The darker thoughts are uncontrollable thoughts of self hatred and fear as
well as an over whelming desire to self harm and thoughts of suicide.
I can't handle this.

:mad:

[AkuRokuStalker]

Whenever you start to think about it think about something completly different immeaditly. This happens to me ALOT and that is what I do.

[Breakeven]

awww benny , im here if you need to talk
you are stronger then that feelings , try talk to us when you have them <3 or keep urself busy with anything so you dont self harm

[Gandalf]

Thanks, that was actually two days ago and things have certainly changed since then.-My head changes on a day to day basis.

As I said privately in my blog I'm strongly recommended as somebody who needs Cognitive behavioural therapy by a member of staff at school who's remit covers this area. I really think it'll help me so much :')

Again thanks guys for just posting your support it means a lot to me.

[Wustenfuchs]

Suicide?

Trust me, that's not the way to go. Take this advice from somebody who had to deal with it personally. In May of last year I lost one of my best friends due to a bike-crash. I was so depressed for the next week that I hardly slept in 72 hours, I got drunk.... and well, shit started here.

My father is a retired officer, and he still had his personal sidearm reissued to him as a personal defense weapon. I knew where to find said firearm. And how to use it.

I had these thoughts one night when my parents where outside for dinner together, they said 'you need to get over it, reclaim your own life'. I almost failed to do so. I loaded that firearm, one bullet. I still shiver when I remember what I was about to do.

Chambered it in, started crying, thinking, then unconsciously I pressed the trigger. A click sound echoed in the room. I forgot the safety. God bless it.

I ran to the bathroom, and threw myself under the shower. I was about to put an end to my life for what? To disappoint my parents? Only the thought of my mother or my father crying destroyed me, only the thought of the scene that they would have seen when they got back home gave me goosebumps. I regained my composure (I'm not shy to admit that I cried a river, punching walls and breaking stuff), unloaded and removed every proof about what I was about to do.

My parents never knew about it.

I was impulsive and naive. An almost dangerous mix, if you couple it with a firearm which you can easily reach. I later found that in order to kill these 'thoughts' to the root, I needed something to do, to 'work me out'. I went on to practice martial arts, krav maga. I frequent an archery range as well. It's a good way to relax and vent out physically.

[Scarface]

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