I am just so confused....

[AkuRokuStalker]

Right now I am bi-sexual as far as I know, but I want to be straight then I don not want to be straight and other times I just wanna be all out lesbian. I am so confused. I have finally figured that the reason I am bi was because of when I was molested when I was younger. I can hardly go past kissing with a guy without flashbacks and the overwhelming feeling of being a whore for weeks afterwards. I can not stand being touched or looks at not even by doctors. I will start crying and the feeling of a whore will come back. It is a doctor. I mean really! Sometimes if people tell me to look at things a certain way with this certain tone in their voice I will have flashbacks. But I digress. I want to be straight so I do not have to keep hiding it. I am going to a christian school now(of all places) and I am tired of hiding it especially with the rumors going around that I am. I am not usually the type of person to hid these things but I do not feel like a bunch of preachers and religious people lecturing me and getting back to my parents. If they knew I would literally be put in an early grave and I know this cause I have brought it up nonchalantly and spoke hypothetical along with my grand maw(whom I'm living with). Then when I start to think about what I mentioned erlier I just can not do it. I just need advice.

[Gandalf]

Right now I am bi-sexual as far as I know, but I want to be straight then I don not want to be straight and other times I just wanna be all out lesbian. I am so confused. I have finally figured that the reason I am bi was because of when I was molested when I was younger. I can hardly go past kissing with a guy without flashbacks and the overwhelming feeling of being a whore for weeks afterwards. I can not stand being touched or looks at not even by doctors. I will start crying and the feeling of a whore will come back. It is a doctor. I mean really! Sometimes if people tell me to look at things a certain way with this certain tone in their voice I will have flashbacks. But I digress. I want to be straight so I do not have to keep hiding it. I am going to a christian school now(of all places) and I am tired of hiding it especially with the rumors going around that I am. I am not usually the type of person to hid these things but I do not feel like a bunch of preachers and religious people lecturing me and getting back to my parents. If they knew I would literally be put in an early grave and I know this cause I have brought it up nonchalantly and spoke hypothetical along with my grand maw(whom I'm living with). Then when I start to think about what I mentioned erlier I just can not do it. I just need advice.

I'm genuinely sorry you had to go through such an ordeal, I understand how past events have some bearing on sexuality.
Those flashbacks, I can only hope they'll fade with time. I'm in no way an expert but I think time can heal all wounds, we can help you deal with that to some extent here.

With regard to wanting to change your sexuality I completely understand, when you first realise you're not straight you think "I don't want to be like this" and then you have the added pressure of society homophobia which to be blunt, fucking sucks, I can imagine the guilt, I've been there myself. In time that too will hopefully drift away and be left with self acceptance, you can't change who your attracted to. One day you'll feel be free to express your sexuality and enjoy it.

If you are still somewhat sexually confused all I can suggest is try not to let all this frustration, fear and even anger even to some extent effect determining your sexual identity, it forms such an important part of all of us and it certainly isn't made any easier by these added and uncontrollable emotions.

It seems you are quite close to your grandma, is there any chance at all of talking to her? Maybe she'll be more accepting than you realise.

Hiding your sexuality is completely normal too, I had to do that, and still do to some extent, all I can say is try and enjoy your sexuality safely within your own mind, and eventually when the time is right you'll face the large task of coming out, of course only when you're truely ready.

I sincerely hope I've helped, If you still need any advice just let us know :)

[TigerBoy]

Psychiatry as a profession does not believe that abuse makes your sexuality change, however this claim is heavily pushed by religious conservatives who have an agenda to discredit homosexuality as a mental disorder, and this is likely where you've heard it. These are the same people attempting to 'cure gays' with no success and now being outlawed in multiple states. This World Health Organisation report (http://www.who.int/publications/cra/chapters/volume2/1851-1940.pdf)looks at the outcomes which include PTSD, but not a change in sexuality. What it can do is affect your feelings and behaviours around sexual matters as a result of the trauma, and especially where same sex feelings are involved and there may well have been guilt anyway.

I think what you should do is seek reputable psychiatric help to deal with the issue, and to help you separate your guilt over the event from your sexual identity, whatever that is.

[Dunce]

I'm sorry you were molested as a child. Even though I don't believe being abused by the opposite sex would make you gay or bi, my friend was molested by a man and she's a lesbian, though she has (unhealthy) sexual relationships with men. So I guess I don't know if that's coincidence or not.
If you don't feel you can go far with a boy, don't. Even though you're bi you can just choose to date girls if you want. What people at your school thinks doesn't matter. If you don't want to come out to them then don't, it's none of their business.
You should try get some sort of counselling for the way you see men though, then eventually you might be able to have a relationship with one. Don't waste your time wishing your sexuality was different though, it will just make you unhappy.

[Gandalf]

Psychiatry as a profession does not believe that abuse makes your sexuality change, however this claim is heavily pushed by religious conservatives who have an agenda to discredit homosexuality as a mental disorder, and this is likely where you've heard it. These are the same people attempting to 'cure gays' with no success and now being outlawed in multiple states. This World Health Organisation report (http://www.who.int/publications/cra/chapters/volume2/1851-1940.pdf)looks at the outcomes which include PTSD, but not a change in sexuality. What it can do is affect your feelings and behaviours around sexual matters as a result of the trauma, and especially where same sex feelings are involved and there may well have been guilt anyway.

I think what you should do is seek reputable psychiatric help to deal with the issue, and to help you separate your guilt over the event from your sexual identity, whatever that is.

I completely agree with this, it would be useful if you dealt with the abuse first. Although, unlike this it wouldn't have to be phyciatric per se, there are many successful types of therapy around now so medication might not be the solution, it's important to remember it would be up to you what help you accept, but if you could gain it, it would be crucial support and help you through this. :)

[AkuRokuStalker]

Thanks guys but I do need to say that Im mentaly attracted to guys but physical attracted girls but I usualy dont look at a girl and go damn she is hot like I will a guy(usualy goth or seen guys only). But going further with a girl just seems so much more appealing than a guy. I like being wrapped in the strong protecting arms of a man. I mean I like it with any sex but it just feels better with a man. Ya know what I mean? Then girls I tend to go for more of the dikes(excuse my lack for a better wordt not trying to b offensive or anything)I dont like the preps and flowers and I dont even like most of them as people some Im okay with. Girls I just feel like I can actualy fall in love and not have my heart broken into a thousand little peices cause us girls are just more sensetive to emotions and things. I hope this made since.

I did not even come out about the abuse until very recently (7 yrs later) cause I have always felt like it was my fault and I still do I set myself up for the situation time and time again. I blame myself.

[TigerBoy]

Thanks guys but I do need to say that Im mentaly attracted to guys but physical attracted girls but I usualy dont look at a girl and go damn she is hot like I will a guy(usualy goth or seen guys only). But going further with a girl just seems so much more appealing than a guy. I like being wrapped in the strong protecting arms of a man. I mean I like it with any sex but it just feels better with a man. Ya know what I mean? Then girls I tend to go for more of the dikes(excuse my lack for a better wordt not trying to b offensive or anything)I dont like the preps and flowers and I dont even like most of them as people some Im okay with. Girls I just feel like I can actualy fall in love and not have my heart broken into a thousand little peices cause us girls are just more sensetive to emotions and things. I hope this made since.

I did not even come out about the abuse until very recently (7 yrs later) cause I have always felt like it was my fault and I still do I set myself up for the situation time and time again. I blame myself.

I get from that you don't trust guys to be sensitive and romantic. Some guys are dicks. I've got lucky with my guy, and nice ones do exist out there. If the abuse is giving you trust issues towards men that is totally understandable, but in spite of that it does sound like you can have a great life with Miss Right one day, so it seems to me the relationship side of your life will work out fine for you.

Nothing wrong with wanting a strong female partner. I'm the same with my boyfriend, I tend to be more of a 'flower' as you use the term, he's the strong protector guy. Took me a while to get my head around fully accepting that but I got some good support and advice when I first joined VT (thanks to MortalCoil and FullyAlive). Our differences work for us as a couple.

If you are having a reaction to male doctors and the like, then I think a bit of help might allow you to deal better with the more day-today situations.

[AkuRokuStalker]

Thanx for the advice:)