How can I forgive myself?

[Aimy]

Okay, long story short:

I began to have these bad intrusive thoughts a few months ago that I didn't get help for..

Things became worse when my aunt passed away unexpectedly, and ever since then, the intrusive thoughts have shifted from obsessions about my friends/family dying to nasty things about people. I don't understand how or why, but it happened.

I don't even think about the dying thing anymore, I don't--

It's only about insulting others. I hold it in most of the time by biting my cheek, humming, or distracting myself-- but I sometimes say these things. Usually this is when I'm anxious, but yeah. I feel horrible afterwards, and I've been apologizing to the person. If I don't do that, I beat myself up over and get depressed about it, since I don't want to hurt people.

I'd like to believe that I'm not crazy/or a bad person, but things say otherwise.

I cry because of this, and it makes me feel even more depressed because I can't even hang out with friends anymore, since I'd say something nasty that I didn't mean.

It's like an impulse or something--I can't contain it sometimes. :(

[happinessisoverrated]

You're not a bad person, hun. You're just going through a hard time and you've been taking it out on those around you. I used to do that a lot too, and I know how hard it is; you see yourself hurting the people that you love, and you hate yourself for it and yet you can't stop. Its incredibly hard to forgive yourself for, because sometimes the result is losing people close to you.
Maybe subconsciously you want people to understand how much pain you're in, so you've been hurting them. It makes sense, though its not a good way to go about things. I'd try talking to them and telling them what you've been dealing with and why you've been treating them that way. Make them understand. It won't fully fix things, but they deserve to know why you've been saying these things to them.

Hope this helps.
Best of luck! xx

[Fiction]

We all think bad things about other people, now does that make every single person a bad person?

You're issue sounds a little like OCD. OCD involves intrusive thoughts that result in compulsions (an overwhelming desire to do something in order to control the intrusive thought). It's not a typical example, but it seems like something similar. My advice is to go and see someone about it, they may be able to help. But you are most definately not a bad person.

[Lights]

We all think bad things about other people, now does that make every single person a bad person?

You're issue sounds a little like OCD. OCD involves intrusive thoughts that result in compulsions (an overwhelming desire to do something in order to control the intrusive thought). It's not a typical example, but it seems like something similar. My advice is to go and see someone about it, they may be able to help. But you are most definately not a bad person.

I would agree. I think you are showing typical symptoms of OCD - and perhaps depression also. The best advice I think I can give you is to have a chat with your family doctor because they will be able to take you in the right direction. They can refer you to people who can really make a difference with your thought processes, and they might recommend a medication as well such as an anti-depressant which can help to make you feel more emotionally balanced. I can empathise with you and assure you things will get better sooner rather than later if you take that first step in making contact with your doctor. I know that all might sound a little daunting and scary, but it's really not too bad; it's just making the those first initial steps.

How does that sound to you? There's some small things I could recommend you in the mean time, but they're sort of secondary things that could help you to feel slightly more comfortable.