"Can't deal with it"

[unsaidwords]

Suddenly, everyone started to find out about my self-harm. My friends, my dad (he doesn't think I need help, although he saw the mess I did to my wrists. Thinks I need "fresh air" -.-')
But what hurted me the most, was the boy I like finding out. I like him a lot, really a lot. And I wasn't thinking about telling him. He knew I was upset and feeling down, and was always asking me what's wrong... One day I told him about "other alternatives I had to feeling sad" and that's when he found out. He was super sweet, though. Surprised me. I expected him to treat me like I was an attention-seeker and not understand, but he was so sweet and nice. Asking me if I was feeling better the next day and all that.
Moving on.
However, when I was talking to my friend (she's his cousin), she told me one of their conversations. He had told her that even though he "liked me a lot, he didn't want to get serious/be my boyfriend because he could deal with my self-harm" and was terrified of... for example... we having a fight or an argument and I went on harming myself. He didn't know what to do, he doesn't understand it.
I feel bad. Because it's not like it's easy to stop, i've been on and off since August and haven't accomplished any more than what 18 days clean at max? On Christmas Day I had a breakdown and spent the afternoon crying and burning myself and scratching... oh god.

I know this isn't a big deal, but yeah I needed to vent a bit. I'm going to talk to my school counselor for the first time this monday, have a scheduled appointment with a therapist in a few days and this is too much to handle right now. He says he will still be my friend, and we still talk and things haven't actually changed. But... It's hard to talk to him, knowing that he knows. And one of my friends telling him that he should back away and stop talking to me if he doesn't want anything "serious" - i'm terrified he might do that, because without he realizing it, he has helped me a lot with this.

(although he is angry at that friend... because of that conversation i think... guess that's a good thing?)

I'm just stressing a bit, bit triggered too. Today is not a good day, i'm so numb and confused and stressed and anxious.
Sorry it's confusing. My ideas are confusing, my mind is confusing.

[Noirtier]

I know what it's like to be struggling with self harm like this, to feel like you're not supported, to feel like you're alone. I want to say that it's good that you're going to see your school counselor and a therapist, they can help you with this more than we can here. They can help you not only stop self harming, but also with all the other things that are going on in your life right now. I know it's not easy to stop, but let me give you some tips. First, you need to be committed to stopping. To know that you need to stop, and to make that decision to stop, even if it gets hard. Distract your mind in any way you can--read a book, watch tv or a movie, listen to music. Get your emotions out in a healthy manner--write, talk to a friend who you trust, do art of some sort, like drawing or painting, etc. Try to stay away from things that you know trigger you for a while. And know that you've got a support system behind you--not only your counselor and therapist, not only friends that you have, and family, but you've also got us here. We're all here to help and support you if you need it. And, let me say that if something happens, and you slip up--which you probably will--don't dwell on it. Pick yourself back up, dust yourself off, and aim higher the next time. Keep on trucking, don't slow yourself down or let yourself get caught up if you mess up once. I have faith in you hun, and I'm always here to talk if you need me :hug3: