Not again :/

[Fiction]

I've just gone through my longest period of recovery since this started 2 and a half years ago. I haven't had any serious episodes of starving in almost a full year. Last January I weighed 96lb (I'm 5"4) and since then i've gained and maintained a weight of 111lb. I still had the thoughts vaguely in the back of my mind, but I was controlling them, and they weren't bothering me too much.

Then just after Christmas I noticed I weighed 115lb, and that was too much to cope with. I've started starving myself again and now I weigh 108lb, so i've lost half a stone in a week (although probably not since some of it was probably water weight) and I can't bring myself to eat anything. I can't think straight, my mind just seems "foggy", I have a headache and i'm getting all the symptoms I used to get when I starved myself. The thing is this is the most extreme starvation i've ever put myself through.

Since New Year's Eve i've only eaten 3 things, and none was a meal the size of what I would normally eat, and I don't want to eat either.

I'm feeling tired and ill and this is the worst it's even made me feel.

It's a combination of things that have triggered it. Exam stress, the increased weight after Christmas, and the fact i'm going to Jamiaca in February and will be wearing a Bikini. But yeah, long story short, I don't want to stop again, but I don't want this to start again either.

[ImCoolBeans]

You've done such an incredible job of getting your life back on track and headed in the right direction, Kathy. There is no doubt in my mind that you can regain control of your urges again and continue to control them even better than before. You are one of the strongest people I know and your recovery shows just that. Anybody who really knows you would agree with me, Kath.

You are such a beautiful person, inside and out. I really hate to use that phrase because it's such a typical "Hallmark" response that you'd expect to see from just anybody; but when I say it to somebody like you, a close friend, I really mean it with all of my heart. I've seen you go through a lot of ups and downs in the past year and your perseverance to continue to try to keep recovering is something to be held at a very high standard. You've helped me through so many of my personal problems even while dealing with your own -- and I'm sure other peoples' as well -- yet you continued to recover and get yourself to a better place.

I know that you're seeing yourself differently from how we do; but only eating three things since New Year's Eve is very serious and very dangerous, Kathy, and that concerns me a lot. You know all of the dangers that come with this much better than mostly anybody, so I won't preach them to you; but please, for the sake of your health and wellbeing eat something, Kathy :(

Triggers can be very unavoidable, like the ones you listed, but there are much better ways to cope with them. Instead of starving yourself or purging you could always eat a healthy, balanced diet. It's a lot of work to keep that up but much better for you in the long run. Exam stress is another possible trigger which can be very hard to avoid; but it is another one that can be coped with in a different fashion. Rather than hurting yourself you could try to do more relaxing things while you aren't working on exams/revising for them. If you're a tea drinker, try some soothing or stress relieving teas. My friend and I had some tea recently that is supposed to relieve stress, and to be honest I felt that it worked quite well -- my friend did too.

How often do you exercise? If you do exercise, what types of physical activity do you do? If you don't exercise regularly I think it could help you greatly. I don't think you need to exercise because of weight; I think you need to exercise because it is simply good for your health in more ways than just physically. When you exercise your body naturally produces endorphins, which are basically the body's natural pain stimulants. These hormones that are released during physical activity will seriously lift your mood and will last for quite a while. If you exercise every day, or every other day, you will notice a big change in the way you feel very quickly. You don't need to go crazy with exercise if you don't want to; but you should try to go for a bike ride, jog or whatever you may like to do to exercise at least a few times every week.

If your worried about looking good in a bikini, starving yourself is not the way to attain that body. If you maintain a healthy diet and do a bit of exercise you'll be much happier with the results, Kathy. You won't feel guilty or as self-conscious as you may already feel. Losing weight in an unhealthy way is terrible for your organs, your mental health, your skin, anxiety and an innumerable amount of other things.

I'm always here for you, Kathy, and that isn't going to change any time soon. Don't ever feel like you can't come to me. I'm always more than willing to help anybody who I can -- especially a good friend like you. xx

[Fiction]

Thanks Mike, that was a lovely reply :)

My main issue is that I can't excercise easily. I have a heart problem and it makes that difficult, making it feel like the only way I can lose weight is this way.

The thing is the thoughts have never stopped, only how i've responded to them and it's hard to ignore them forever, when they aren't going away.

I'm just feeling down at the moment. I really don't know what to say or how to explain it :/

Just thank you for your reply Mike, it meant alot x

[ImCoolBeans]

You should look into the stress relieving teas and other ways to help yourself feel calmer. Eliminating some of that stress could help ease some of the anxiety that's causing you too feel this way.

Anxiety has been believed to come from unbalanced parts of ourselves, whether it be psychical or psychological. One big factor that I see that could be causing the imbalance is the lack of eating. You're starving your body of the food that it needs to keep functioning properly and this causes a lot of anxiety, which causes more stress, which comes around to possibly be another trigger. You and I both know that it isn't an easy cycle to break; but if you continue on with it you're going to do a lot more harm than good and it will only get harder to break from as time goes on.

I only want to see the best for you Kath. Keep me posted? We'll talk soon x