Smeller
October 20th, 2007, 04:11 AM
WARNING! this is long since this is my 1st post ma apologies to y'all who wont be able to stand readin this whole shit list :P
I'm sure everyone was lost once in a while in their lives.. and apparently thats whats happenin to me....this whole thing slowly progressed when i was 14 (2003) right after i came to my "new home" aka canada... somehow between the 4 years i've been in a new country and the total cultural and lifestyle change in my life..something happened to me that i dont understand..
i had to give up alot when i left my home country i mean i was in my early puberty teen yrs, i had to give up childhood/old friends, i always thought i would grow and stay in one place until im ready to travel to a new place. That ordeal already shook me hard...
then about 2 years later (2005) my parents split.. after 4-5 years of witnessin them fight ALOT.. finally they split cuz it was killin me bein around them with all the tension and such.
then you also have problems that you get from peer pressure and school and a whole other stuff teenagers go thru hormones etc.etc. Then depression came which at the time i didnt care for nuthin but to end my misery i was lost..
so i started to see a councillor which i did AND i even took anti-depressant pills by the doctor's request. Pills plus therapy.. you'd think everythin is goin fine n dandy smooth as brandy well i was hella wrong! Well it did help me think clearly on what was wrong with me and it got me to stop the urge of suicide n heh..
after almost a year i stopped using pills and therapy.. knowin that i'll be ok.. at least i got myself in control again. Not feelin lost at all i felt like i was back in the right path and i actually had a plan to reconstruct my life. After that i switched schools (again) to an alternative school for students who cant "operate well" in standardized systemed schools (no not a special school for the mentally disabled).
After 3 months and summer this year (2007) im lost again. I dont have any urges to suicide or a deep deep state of depression but i felt really lost. Its like I dont know who i am anymore. I mean i was a fun loving, happy and full of energy, kind and the most friendliest kid you would have ever known.. now i'm the opposite of what i just said.. i've lost all those things. I feel like i'm dead inside and i'm a ghost to the people around me. I mean they talk to me, relate and all that but i somehow step back and seem dead or uninterested.
Everywhere i seem to respond with only a yes or no answer. I even shut up when i'm with my friends I dont feel like talkin much or sharin anythin. And now I'm havin a mid-life crisis about life, careers and happiness in life WHICH normally happens in an older age but my mom says I'm lucky that i'm experiencing this at an early age :S And i'm stuck there not knowin what to do
pickin what "path" i take in life.
they say its the "crossroads of life" bahh.. watever maybe it is... either way i'm stuck in the middle not knowin what to do. Its a real big fucken problem for me cuz i cant seem to move forward into anythin without clearing my head and settin my mind into that right path.
Just wanna know what y'all think of that
I'm sure everyone was lost once in a while in their lives.. and apparently thats whats happenin to me....this whole thing slowly progressed when i was 14 (2003) right after i came to my "new home" aka canada... somehow between the 4 years i've been in a new country and the total cultural and lifestyle change in my life..something happened to me that i dont understand..
i had to give up alot when i left my home country i mean i was in my early puberty teen yrs, i had to give up childhood/old friends, i always thought i would grow and stay in one place until im ready to travel to a new place. That ordeal already shook me hard...
then about 2 years later (2005) my parents split.. after 4-5 years of witnessin them fight ALOT.. finally they split cuz it was killin me bein around them with all the tension and such.
then you also have problems that you get from peer pressure and school and a whole other stuff teenagers go thru hormones etc.etc. Then depression came which at the time i didnt care for nuthin but to end my misery i was lost..
so i started to see a councillor which i did AND i even took anti-depressant pills by the doctor's request. Pills plus therapy.. you'd think everythin is goin fine n dandy smooth as brandy well i was hella wrong! Well it did help me think clearly on what was wrong with me and it got me to stop the urge of suicide n heh..
after almost a year i stopped using pills and therapy.. knowin that i'll be ok.. at least i got myself in control again. Not feelin lost at all i felt like i was back in the right path and i actually had a plan to reconstruct my life. After that i switched schools (again) to an alternative school for students who cant "operate well" in standardized systemed schools (no not a special school for the mentally disabled).
After 3 months and summer this year (2007) im lost again. I dont have any urges to suicide or a deep deep state of depression but i felt really lost. Its like I dont know who i am anymore. I mean i was a fun loving, happy and full of energy, kind and the most friendliest kid you would have ever known.. now i'm the opposite of what i just said.. i've lost all those things. I feel like i'm dead inside and i'm a ghost to the people around me. I mean they talk to me, relate and all that but i somehow step back and seem dead or uninterested.
Everywhere i seem to respond with only a yes or no answer. I even shut up when i'm with my friends I dont feel like talkin much or sharin anythin. And now I'm havin a mid-life crisis about life, careers and happiness in life WHICH normally happens in an older age but my mom says I'm lucky that i'm experiencing this at an early age :S And i'm stuck there not knowin what to do
pickin what "path" i take in life.
they say its the "crossroads of life" bahh.. watever maybe it is... either way i'm stuck in the middle not knowin what to do. Its a real big fucken problem for me cuz i cant seem to move forward into anythin without clearing my head and settin my mind into that right path.
Just wanna know what y'all think of that