War Novel Introduction Idea (WIP)

[AuthorX303720]

Hell shall never be unchained from the pits from the center of the Earth, as it has been damned to stay there for etenrity .” But hell has already been unbottled from the human mind and has caused atrocities and hardships for their fellow humans.Ah, how I wait in unrest for fellow humans to not force atrocties on one another, but instead actually bound hand and hand to go towards a common goal in order to stop atrocities. Yet mankind has been waiting for a thousand years for this to happen but instead greed and anger cloud the mind. And the mind will do whatever it wants causing millions to die in its wake.

[highschooler]

A bit melodramatic, but overall good. The sentence structure could be more sophisticated. What follows is your copy (edited), and my rewrite (use it if you like).

Hell shall never be unchained from the pits from the center of the Earth, as it has been damned to stay there for eternity .” But Hell has already been un-bottled from the human mind and has caused atrocities and hardships for their fellow humans. (sp.) Ah, how I wait in unrest for fellow humans to not force atrocities upon one another, but instead actually bound hand in hand to go towards a common goal in order to stop ins: these atrocities. Yet mankind has been waiting for a thousand years for this to happen but instead greed and anger cloud the mind. And the mind will do whatever it wants causing millions to die in its wake.

Though damned to the fiery pits of the Earth's core forever, Hell has already broken loose from the human mind. Atrocities, hardships; this is Hell let loose upon our fellow humans. Oh! For the day that will end this unrest between us all--the day when brothers will join together hand in hand towards a common goal: to stop the atrocities they have begun. Yet I am still waiting...mankind is still waiting! A thousand years, waiting for peace, but still only greed and anger cloud the collective mind. And the collective mind will not stop until it reaches its goals. What are millions dead to stop this mind of greed and anger? They are naught.

[Noirtier]

Hell shall never be unchained from the pits from the center of the Earth, as it has been damned to stay there for etenrity .” But hell has already been unbottled from the human mind and has caused atrocities and hardships for their fellow humans.Ah, how I wait in unrest for fellow humans to not force atrocties on one another, but instead actually bound hand and hand to go towards a common goal in order to stop atrocities. Yet mankind has been waiting for a thousand years for this to happen but instead greed and anger cloud the mind. And the mind will do whatever it wants causing millions to die in its wake.

Honestly, it's fairly choppy. I would work on your sentence fluency and reword some things to make it flow a bit more. Try not repeating words as much too, that can kind of take away from the flow of a piece and the meaning of it. The concept is good for the beginning of a story, I just think that the execution needs some work.

[AuthorX303720]

Hey thanks for the suggestion! I am trying to write this for my Spec. Ed teacher. My ADHD makes it hard for me to write :/