Guess I need help again

[Keats]

I'd been cut free for about a year now, everything was okay - maybe a few hiccups here and there.
The past 6 months its been getting harder to sleep - I've never slept well maybe five hours a night. But now it's not like I even get tired until day three with no sleep when it suddenly hits me. Once I started not being able to sleep that's when I got all the Time to think about everything. That coupled with a new job in a kitchen surrounded by knives for 8 hours a day. I was seeing a counselor but I never really opened up to her really - I didn't really trust at and she kept trying to refer me other places.

Anyway, last night I found an old box with stuff in and a couple tools and I couldn't help myself. It was the most I could do to limit myself, but lately it's all I can think about.

[Noirtier]

First let me say I'm sorry that you've been through this. I know what it's like, I've struggled with self harm addiction myself. A lot. It's good that you've been able to find a job, they can really help someone. But I think that you should continue to see someone, even if it's just a counselor at a school. Find someone who you feel you can trust. I also think it wouldn't be a bad idea to see your family doctor and see what they say about your sleep, because you may have a sleep disorder of some sort. Depending on how bad it is, they may recommend taking melatonin, which is a natural sleep aid that your body creates on its own and forms no dependencies in its medicinal state. Now, let me say that sometimes even the best of us relapse. I've done it before. And when you do that, well, all you can do is get back up, dust yourself off, and try to keep going on. To make it further than you did last time. Try finding a friend that you can talk to, that you can trust to talk about how you're feeling with. Also, I'm sure you know this but I'll say it just in case, distract your mind in any way you can from the urges. Watch tv, read a book, watch a movie, talk to a friend. Write and/or draw or do some other form of art--they're great ways to get your emotions and feelings out in a healthy manner. We're always here to help and support you if you need it, and if you ever need to talk feel free to contact me! I believe in you, I know you can make it again!

[Keats]

I've seen the doctor about it a couple times over the past year but every time he's said it's stupid to be medicating a 17 year old for sleep - implying he doesn't believe the extent of the impact it's having on me.

What bugs me even more is that my parents have decided that it's harmful for me to work out, i work out to distract myself and better myself. But all of a sudden it's unnatural, i eat too much, i don't have enough fat on me, i'm not their son anymore. It's ridiculous, i have friends dropping MDMA twice a week, and the only thing i'm taking is Protein, creatine and adderall. All of which are to better my Grades and Body. I'm out of here in about 6 months - going travelling, they'll be lucky if i come back. i'm done with people, i'm done with everything. All that petty bullshit that goes on in and around school, i'm so done. I'm just glad i found someone i want to hold onto. But we'll see how that goes with time. I was starting to feel good about myself, about my body - but then apparently i look unnatural and out of proportion. This is getting extremely unstructured but i'm gonna continue saying what comes into my head when it does. I'm being left behind by my peer group, it took my ages to break down my social anxiety but it's creeping back and i just want to be on my own all the time. i don't want to go out, i don't want to go to parties, hell i don't even want to be in a classroom with any other kids. Fuck this man, fuck people, and fuck parents. They might be my mother and father biologically, but jesus they're not my mom and dad.

Jesus it feels good to let off steam.

[missfortune]

maybe get sleeping pills and/or anti-depressions. I some times taek sleeping pills and they work well for me!

[missfortune]

* sleeping pills that work

[Keats]

I've been to the doctor several times, he won't prescribe anything and all the herbal or over the counter stuff doesn't work for me.

Also i see you're from South Africa, me too originally.